Some people fear rejection so much that they learn to live as some other version of themselves in order to fit the narrative of a person or group they desire attention from. I was one of those people… 

I have tried to fit in my whole life. Saying yes to anything that would provide me with a sense that I mattered in the eyes of another. From relationships to jobs, I measured my self-worth with how others expected me to act. I was unconsciously seeking approval from these interactions for my entire life. It lead me down a road of heartbreak, depression, and alienation. I never knew who I was supposed to be because I was always searching for someone or something else to define me.

Who cares?

Well, I say this because I had been lost my whole life, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I made decisions on things that were not based on what I truly wanted, but instead for how it granted me acceptance with another person or group. I was never happy. I was never fulfilled because I was always seeking external things to make me whole when the real problem was that I needed to allow myself to take control of my self-worth, my situation, and my life. 

The fear of rejection was brought on by the fear of being myself. This fear lead to depression, and suicidal thoughts. I couldn’t escape them. Any happiness was shrouded by simply wanting to disappear. I couldn’t achieve happiness because I didn’t know what made me happy. I was lost. People would ask what makes me happy and I never had an answer, I don’t think I ever knew because I always let the expectation of others rule my life. 

Looking back, it’s very weird not being the center of your own universe. 

So what changed?

The isolation of quarantine gave me time to realize that the way I am living my life through the expectations of others is causing the issue. There’s no self-help formula here. I’m not going to try to sell you anything, but I will tell you what I did to shift my mindset. I read at least 20 different books on storytelling and worked through a book called Finding Your Purpose by Mastin Kipp, and came to the conclusion that we are the stories we tell ourselves. Our inner narrative creates the perception of our outer world. I figured out that I didn’t matter to myself, so I would seek to matter to others so I could feel I had a purpose, but because it was inauthentic it would never last and ultimately cause problems. And so it did.