335. normalizing fear
We’re all afraid of something, and that’s okay because it can be a powerful motivator. However, if we normalize any of our fears, our attention gradually comes to rest more on what we don’t want than what we do. We are ultimately what we pay attention to.
The things we don’t want continuously run through our mind as we say, “I don’t want to be poor.” “I don’t want to be sick.” “I don’t want to be alone.” They replay so often that we eventually develop a relationship with them.
In those moments of “I don’t want,” the mind can’t distinguish between what you want and what you don’t. It only knows what you’re interested in. And, if we continue to focus our attention on destitution, sickness, and solitude that is what we will manifest. These types of thoughts leave no room for the mind to bring our attention toward wealth, health, and love.
In the end, you get what you focus on. Stop placing all your attention on what you don’t want to happen and begin to focus your attention on what you would like to see unfold in your life. Stop placing a negative bias on your “what if’s.” Instead of saying “what if I end up poor,” “what if I end up sick,” “what if I end up alone,” start saying “what if I end up wealthy, with an abundance of health and love.”
Each of us has to understand that we don’t describe what we see, we see what we describe. The sooner we understand this fundamental principle, the sooner we can change the situation we find ourselves in.
324. adrift
we’re all lost in the deep
fighting against the tide
that our monsters intend to keep.
adrift,
in a sea of confliction
we search in order to be found.
reaching,
for any connection, allowing us
to find our feet on solid ground.
it’s said, that anxiety
is quickly quelled by action.
and it’s known that grasping
makes finding easy.
yet, if we aren’t careful
our fear will anchor us into reaction.
—————————
We’re lost in an ocean of opinion, not knowing where to look for the right answers. Much of the time, information is merely opinion, backed up only by what fortifies the accepted narrative. This is as true for the way we talk to ourselves about if we are worthy of that raise, as the way the news intends to inform us.
We are what we pay attention to. The ideas that we consume — about ourselves and the world at large — are what create the world we see. If we are fearful and looking for answers, we will grasp at the closest thing that makes sense to us. Unfortunately, the closest thing (or idea) isn’t always the right answer. You thinking you didn’t get that date because you weren’t enough, is an idea you believe because it fits your narrative about yourself. You thinking the sky is falling because the news continues to tell you so is an idea you believe because it fits the narrative that is being reinforced.
It’s not until we stop listening to the things that only serve to keep us down, and start recreating how we interact with this world, will we be able to approach life with a sense of conscious choice instead of continuing to react out of fear.
268. “made me feel”
We frequently use the words “made me feel.” We’ll say something like; this person made me feel bad because of what they said.
We use these words for their ease. They require no introspection of their use. We believe we’re just a simple bystander to the events that happen to us. Saying “made me feel” absolves us from the responsibility of having to understand where spontaneous feelings are coming from. But the thing is, no one outside of ourselves has the power to make us feel a certain way. The feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, and even love are all coming from within you. Whatever triggers their response is what we need to call attention to, sit with, and explore.
In other words, the input doesn’t determine the output. Our response to what someone says or does to us, is our response. No one can insert a feeling within us. The sooner we realize this, the sooner we can stop making the mistake that other people can exert some level of control over how we feel or operate in our daily lives, and take the responsibility to create the interactions we want.
260. a bucket of love
We’re attracted to people because they feel familiar.
We’re always trying to find what we didn’t receive from our parents, in people that are just like them. We don’t consciously make the choice to fall for someone just like our mother or father — in fact, if asked, I’m sure we would all agree that when searching for a partner, we want nothing that reminds us of our parents — but subconsciously we gravitate toward those people that most resemble them because the only way we can make sense of this world is by finding someone to fill the holes left by the ones that were most impressionable on us. Whether we are aware of it or not, they remind us of where we came from, what we miss, and what we need to fulfill.
Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. It really comes down to a bit of luck in stumbling on the person that wants to be part of our journey. Because we’re always going to be attracted to a certain type of people, we don’t need to seek them out. However, within that select group of people we gravitate towards, there are going to be a few that can provide us with the comfort we need to feel at home, AND also will work to give us the things that our parents weren’t able to provide.
We enter relationships searching for the love, attention, and admiration we couldn’t get from our parents, all the while oblivious to the fact that we’re looking for these things from the people that most resemble our fucking parents. The sooner we can realize that, the sooner we can understand what we need, what we are willing to put up with, and when we need to get the fuck out. There are going to be people that want to grow with you, and want to make you whole by giving you the things you need, but that isn’t something you should expect or try to force onto them. They have to find it on their own and then want to give it away. It’s beautiful when it happens, but rare because everyone will reach it at a different time. I think that’s one reason why relationships fail, it’s simply bad timing. People aren’t where they need to be to give the other what they need because they haven’t arrived at that point in their journey.
Full disclosure here… and I fucking hate this thought, but coming to this realization may make my life easier. In a parter, I’m looking for something I couldn’t get from my mother, from someone that reminds me of her. And that is fucking hard to say, because I don’t want anyone like her. I’ve swung the complete opposite direction and failed multiple times. But recently, I found this beautiful woman that feels like home, is dead sexy, and makes me feel alive when I’m with her, while at the same time inspires me to be more everyday. She fills me with the comfort of home, while patching up the punctures that had been left in my heart from years of neglect.
I look at it like this… we’re all a bucket full of holes. We enter relationships, dipping our bucket into the water. We feel content for a time because we found someone to fill us up, our bucket is full. But sooner or later if the people we choose aren’t willing, like us, to go on the journey to patch up the holes of our past, then the water quickly drains out, and the relationship fades. It’s rare to find a person that both fills you up and wants to mend your holes. It’s not a very elegant analogy, but you get the point. So, if two people can do this for each other, I can’t think of a better foundation for a relationship. If you can, PLEASE let me know.
242. you can’t do everything
You can do anything in this life, just not everything. Continually adding things to your plate isn’t going to help you establish a life where you can thrive. Spread too thin, you, like the multiple projects you take on are not able to focus and grow any of them optimally. You are getting C’s in 10 different things, unhappy with the results, when you could be getting A’s in 3 things.
There’s a ~200 page book called The One Thing written by Gary Keller which can be summarized in one sentence — You can only achieve great results by focusing on one thing at a time. (Leave a tip, I saved you $20 and 2 hours!) Sounds commonsensical, but the sentiment is lost on the majority of us.
Most of us have been led to believe multitasking is the best way to get things done. And while you may be right in that you can definitely get more things done, you’re wrong in thinking that those tasks were completed optimally. In one study from the University of Utah, an absurd but remarkably confident 70% of the participants thought they were above average in their ability to optimally complete multiple things at once. They weren’t, and most likely you aren’t either.
When people try to do several things at once — roughly 98%, according to the Utah study — gets worse at each individual task. The idea of answering emails, posting to social media, cooking dinner, hanging pictures on the wall, attending to the kids, while you listen to the news all at once is enticing, but also cognitively draining. Your mind simply isn’t set up to focus on multiple things at the same time. Even the 2% minority in the Utah study who didn’t get worse at execution, they also weren’t getting any better outcomes, they were just exceptionally efficient at switching tasks at a rapid rate.
So if multitasking isn’t the answer to getting things done, then what is? Prioritize what is most important. Delegate what can be better done by someone else. Determine what you will take on going forward. Execute on the things that matter. Obviously this is easier said than done, but with less multitasking and the more specific your attention, the more productive you’ll be because you will be getting A’s in all the things you care about, instead of C’s across the board.
240. pay attention to the tension
Life is the way it is. Always. And if you get upset about that, not only will life still be the way it is, but you’ll also be upset.
If getting upset were the precursor to transforming your life, then by all means you should walk around upset all day because it will totally transform your circumstance. But it doesn’t. However, it does reveal where you aren’t okay with something.
And that is the gift. To see where you are not okay. It shows where the focus needs to go to liberate you from the conflict that causes you to be upset. It’s life’s way of showing you that the situation you’re currently in, or certain things you’re experiencing are not in line with who you truly want to be.
Pay attention to the tension.
211. thoughts that don’t go away
When we continue to have thoughts or emotions arise within us that don’t match the narrative we’ve laid out for ourselves, it’s important that we pay attention to them. They’re showing up for a reason. It’s a signal from our unconscious mind that there is something in conflict with the path we’re walking. Maybe we’re going the wrong way, or on the wrong path altogether. Don’t ignore them. Bring awareness to these thoughts and emotions. Identify what situations or experiences cause them to come about and consciously take the time to understand their presence.
Often times we continue down a path simply because we’ve been on it for so long; confusing “right” with familiar. All the while dismissing those thoughts and feelings as just part of the process of getting where we think we want to go, without realizing they may be trying to tell us something. Don’t discount their appearance. Call attention to them, otherwise we may find ourselves continuing down the wrong path for the wrong reasons.
195. sparks
Whether we realize it or not, we’re all searching to fulfill the next part of ourselves. Our conscious decisions don’t always align with our subconscious needs. We can find ourselves so far down a path of our own making, thinking we have everything in place, yet still be caught off-guard by the smallest of things. Why? Because it’s something we needed.
Pay attention to the sparks. A look. A feeling. A laugh. A touch. All of the small things that stir something inside of you. They matter. They may not be able to provide you with the life you’re currently after, but they may be able to show you what you’re missing.
181. silence
It’s only in silence that we can truly hear ourselves.
When our mind is quiet, there is a reckoning. What arises within that void, sometimes painful, uncomfortable, or challenging, is what holds the key to unlocking the next version of ourselves. We need to bring our attention to whatever comes about in those times of silence. Exploring those manifestations will allow us to overcome the challenges they continue to create and fully experience the feelings we continuously try to distract ourselves from.
“Being silent,” as Lori Gottlieb put in her book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, “is like emptying the trash.” When you stop filling up your empty spaces with shit that doesn’t matter — input from friends/family, social media, news — you can begin to see what is truly important.
Pay attention.
136. what do you see?
As we march forward through life, we have a tendency to narrow our field of vision. We focus only on the things that directly affect the life we are trying to build, and all too often neglect what can be described as “the larger picture.” In doing so, we start to see the world in one way, defining our view of life in terms of absolutes. We make the mistake of thinking that the world can only be the way it is because that is what is directly in front of us. But there are no absolutes, and each of us view the world differently, and rightly so, because we are all walking through this life individually.
There’s an old parable about the definition of life, where a group of disciples approach the Buddha with some questions about what life is. He replied, “Once there was a king who assembled all the blind men in his kingdom in a courtyard. In the center was an elephant. One at a time, each of the blind men were led forward to place their hands on the elephant’s body. One man touched the head, another the trunk, another the ears, tusks, body, tail and so on. After they were done, the king asked each of them, ‘what is an elephant?’ With absolute certainty, they each described the elephant according to what they touched. The man who touched the trunk, said an elephant was like a snake. The man who touched the tusk, said an elephant was a spear. The man who touched the tail said the elephant was a brush.” They were all correct in their definition of what an elephant is based on the input they were provided, yet with sight they would be able to see that the small piece they encountered was simply part of something much larger.
We’re all going through life, certain of what it is and at the same time oblivious to what it could be. Tightly locked into our own field of view, we can’t see possibilities that lay outside of our periphery. So what do you see? If it isn’t serving you, then it’s holding you back.
101. watch where your resources flow
What is the easiest way to know if the strategy you’re implementing will be successful? Watch where your resources flow. Whether it’s time, money, attention, or love — it really comes down to how you allocate your resources that will determine the outcome. If you want to be in shape, but choose to spend the majority of your free time watching Netflix and eating takeout, those 30 minutes a day spent at the gym aren’t going to amount to much. If you want to be in a relationship, but choose to take that person for granted by treating them as though they will always be there, those times you find it necessary to say “I love you” will eventually mean less and less. You might think you’re a dedicated person because you choose to go to the gym for 30 minutes a day, or only choose loving words when you feel its necessary, but the outcomes of those strategies are only going to result in failure. The expectations of these strategies aren’t aligned with the reality of the situation. If the decision you make about where you want to invest your mind, body, and heart aren’t consistent with the person you’re aspiring to be or the things you want to accomplish, you’ll never become that person who accomplishes those things.
69. get specific
Sit down and make a list of the things you want the most. Make sure they’re specific. You want to lose weight; how many pounds? You want to get stronger; pick an exercise? You want to be a small business owner; how much capital do you need to start? You want to be in a relationship; what do you need to get someone to swipe right? It’s your world, so there is no wrong answer. It’s just that if we don’t have what we want, it’s probably for lack of focus.
Now take that list, and look at those specifics. What systems do you need to put in place or what variables do you need to change in your life to get you to the second part of those questions? That is where your attention needs to be. Most people get tripped up because they’re blinded by what they want, instead of focusing one what it takes to get there. If you take the time to put the necessary things in place that will deliver the result you’re after, you will be able to achieve it.
By focusing solely on the outcome, you lose sight of the small things that need to be done day-after-day. Pretty soon, you have little to no results, lose steam and quit. To get closer to what you desire, you need to get specific on what it takes to reach the larger outcome. If you show up everyday and consistently check off the necessary boxes you will be able to lose the weight, get stronger, start your business, have a relationship, or whatever it is that you’re after.
Get specific and have faith in the process.