232. the dance of love
The paradox of love is that it requires a balance between two opposing forces: surrender and autonomy. We can only find togetherness, if we are able to maintain our separateness. As Esther Perel says in Mating in Captivity, “with too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter.”
In this way, love is a dance. Watch any dancing couple, you will see that much of the time they exist together as one on the dance floor, while they’re isolated from one another at other times so they can fulfill their unique movements that create the performance. Holding each other in a tight embrace, not moving, is only interesting in the contrast of the separateness and explicit movements that follow. When people come together — in a relationship or in the expression of dance — connection is no longer able to happen as there isn’t anyone to connect with. Thus, separateness becomes necessary to create the potential for connection.
225. tribes
We used to be born into tribes. We didn’t have to find people from other countries or walks of life that share our values or ideas, and then try to create our own. We had very little choice in the matter, but what it gave us was a sense of belonging, identity, and continuity.
We didn’t have to figure out who we were because being born into a tribe inherently meant… “I know who I am, because I know who I am a part of.”
We didn’t have to wonder what to do because the tribe would automatically dictate our approach… “I know what to do, because, I do what I am told.”
We didn’t have to worry about finding purpose because our relationships were organized in a way that gave us a sense of duty and obligation… “I am happy when I fulfill the tasks that are expected of me.”
We weren’t raised for autonomy. We weren’t raised to use our words to say what we want. We were raised to know what other people want from us. Despite the gap in time, we are, to a large extent, still these people.
In the transition from childhood to adulting we are thrust into a world of autonomy, and most of us have no idea how to find our place in the modern world. Hence, the boom in the self-help book genre. We’re all looking to find our place. We have never been more free to make our own decisions, yet more alone in the process.
So, how can we overcome this challenge?
Unfortunately, I don’t see that there is any “quick fix” because, in a way, the whole concept of autonomy is going against human nature. We exist to work together. However, in finding your tribe, I think the best approach for any of us will be to focus more on ways of showing the world who you are comfortable being, rather than trying to find somewhere you’d like to fit in. Your tribe should gravitate toward you, not the other way around.
In essence, this whole concept of starting this blog and sharing my ideas is a way to find my place in the world. To work out my ideas and hopefully find others along the way. All we can really do is try, learn, adapt, and grow. And eventually, if we show up consistently, and with conviction, we’re bound to find our tribe.