323. unaware
If you aren’t aware that you’re unhappy, you aren’t going to do anything about it. You’re just a fish, living its life in an ocean of water, with no concept of what “wet” is. You’re unaware.
Until you become aware that you’re uncomfortable (or wet), you’re going to stay in a place of complacency and stagnancy because you’re okay with the environment you find yourself in. Some internal mechanism continues to manage your perception of what is normal and acceptable to you, which keeps you from tuning into the reality of what is happening around you.
The very small things that would otherwise alert you to problems within an unfamiliar environment have become blunted, and therefore a reason to pay attention. Unhappiness needs to be recognized, felt, and made aware of, otherwise why would you want to change? Start to focus on the small things; Have you been clinching your jaw? Is your heart constantly racing? Are you easily stressed or anxious? The body holds a lot of signals, but if you’re not tuned into them, they can’t disrupt you from the normalcy that you’ve become accustomed to.
It’s not easy to strip away the layers of what has become normal and uncover how you really feel, but it is essential for real change to take place. I think a lot of the time we get so used to a certain way of living that we forget what happiness feels like. The sooner we can recognize the signals our body is giving off, the sooner we can realize that what we’ve become used to is no longer serving us and make the necessary changes.
299. it’s about compromise, right?
People in unhappy or unfulfilling relationships often say things like “relationships are about compromise, right?” More often than not, it seems like this sentiment stems from one person feeling pressured into doing what the other wants by pushing solutions that don’t seem fair. But real compromise feels different. It doesn’t mean mutual sacrifice; it means a balancing of desires. It’s a feeling that your needs are taken into account, and even if you don’t get everything you want, you, as well as your partner, both feel as though you got enough of what you needed.
Compromise doesn’t need to be a painful experience. It largely comes down to the emotional maturity of the people we’re involved with. The best outcomes are from those who are so attentive and connected that it’s enjoyable to work things out with them. They care about how you feel, and don’t want you to be dissatisfied. And because they have empathy, they won’t feel settled if you’re unhappy with the outcome. So don’t compromise your needs, cultivate your own emotional maturity, and find someone that is willing to balance your desires.
232. the dance of love
The paradox of love is that it requires a balance between two opposing forces: surrender and autonomy. We can only find togetherness, if we are able to maintain our separateness. As Esther Perel says in Mating in Captivity, “with too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter.”
In this way, love is a dance. Watch any dancing couple, you will see that much of the time they exist together as one on the dance floor, while they’re isolated from one another at other times so they can fulfill their unique movements that create the performance. Holding each other in a tight embrace, not moving, is only interesting in the contrast of the separateness and explicit movements that follow. When people come together — in a relationship or in the expression of dance — connection is no longer able to happen as there isn’t anyone to connect with. Thus, separateness becomes necessary to create the potential for connection.