340. crystal clear
Whenever you try to implement change, a tension arises. The rational part of your brain knows what needs to be done, but the emotional part doesn’t want to do the hard work.
For change to happen you need both parts of your brain on board. If you only instruct the rational part of your brain you’ll have an understanding, but no motivation. If you only appeal to the emotional part of the brain, you’ll have passion, but no direction.
The rational part of your brain is the part of you that knows exercising before work is a good idea, so it sets the alarm nice and early. It has a clear vision of what it wants and the best way to get there, but unfortunately it’s a poor motivator. The best shot at getting your emotional brain on board is to be specific as possible about what needs to happen, otherwise the passion for change will fade.
“Lose weight” isn’t very clear, but “wake up at 5am, put on shoes, go to the gym, do 4 sets of squats and pull-ups” is a crystal clear instruction.
“Be more productive” is not clear either, but “sit down at the desk, open up a word document, set the timer for 20 minutes, and start writing all the words bouncing around in your head until the time is up” is another crystal clear instruction.
Both examples allow for small tasks to be repeated right after another, adding motivation to keep moving forward.
If it’s clear and easy, motivation and direction come into alignment effortlessly, allowing for change to happen. As soon as clarity is lost in vague statements, real change stands no chance.
279. saying no
Some of us don’t know what we need because we never take the time to stop and ask. We’re too busy saying “yes” to anything that comes our way. Maybe it’s because we feel obligated to say “yes” so we can be liked or feel included, but what if what we’re agreeing to doesn’t’ align with our needs? Eventually, those situations we so eagerly agree to at first, start to feel more and more like burdens over time. And most often, instead of coming to the realization that we’re in control of our decisions, we complain that other people are taking advantage of us.
In all our efforts to fit in and feel special, we’ve conditioned ourselves to automatically say “yes” without the benefit of asking ourselves whether the situation we are agreeing to is really in line with what we need or simply an attempt at feeling included or loved. We forgot how to put ourselves first. We forgot that each “yes” is still our decision to make.
That split second after someone asks if we would like to do this or that should be filled with a moment of introspection; “is what this person is asking of me, really what I need right now, or am I saying ‘yes’ out of habit, just to feel included?” The sooner we can get away from our automatic “yes,” the sooner we can leave behind any negative feelings of obligation that come with it. We need to break the habit of saying “yes” and take responsibility for our decisions so that we can figure out what we really need.
253. making moves
Life is full of challenges. Most of us worry too intensely about each step needing to be considered as forward progress that we reach a point of stagnation. We can no longer push forward because the situation we’re in no longer serves the person we want to be, while at the same time, we don’t allow ourselves to create a lateral move, much less take a small step back, to reset the momentum which ultimately has the potential to propel us forward.
Anything less than continual progress is considered failure. We make the mistake in believing that each step needs to move us in the same direction, even if it mean we’re running headfirst into a wall. But it’s important to understand that we aren’t defined by each individual step we take, so much as the trajectory we keep. Sometimes that means making different moves, small changes, or step-backs to keep us moving toward to person we want to become. If we keep avoiding the necessary moves that match where we want to go, the only place we’re going to progress is right off a cliff.
251. fitting in
Where would we be if we worried more about what our future-selves thought about the decisions we make on a daily basis, than the people we currently surround ourselves with? When we’re young, we worry about how we’re perceived by everyone around us. We often make decisions that aren’t in line with who we truly are, instead making those decisions that best fit the narrative we want to fit into. But after a while, we figure out that making decisions based on how we’re perceived by others isn’t the best way to create a life we want to live. At a certain point, we need the courage to stray from the pack we’ve been running with to have a chance to build a life that makes us happy or at least gives us a chance at that happiness.
Part of growing up is separating ourselves from who we thought we were supposed to be — someone defined by the people we surround ourselves with — and the person we need to become — someone defined by making decisions that best align with the future we want to create. The more we struggle and fight who we are, by making decisions that try to fit our lives into a framework that our social group deemed “acceptable,” the less happy and fulfilling our lives will be.
Make decisions based on who you truly want to be, not who you want to impress or fit in with. Sooner or later you’ll realize that the people you were trying to impress weren’t really even paying attention to begin with.
222. what’s past is prologue
You get to be the narrator of your life’s story. There’s no rule that says you must be defined by your past. It doesn’t matter who you were, in only matters who you want to become. Don’t fall into the trap of using your past as an excuse that keeps you stuck in habits, attitudes, relationships, and situations that prevent you from growing. Take responsibility for the life you have. If it’s not what you want, then change the way you relate to your story. Base your identity and internal narrative on your future, not your past.
194. in line
Are your goals in line with our values?
You have to remember that if you say “yes” to one thing, most likely you’re saying “no” to someone or something else. It’s not necessarily good or bad, right or wrong, it’s just what it is.
That decision in itself helps clarify your values, and understand your priorities. Both of which lead to your identity, and the way the world sees you.
If you are acting in congruence with your values, ideally those values are tied to the person you want to become. So, in practice; instead of trying to be somebody that tries to do something, become that person who does it. Instead of thinking it’s important for me to go workout, think I’m the person who works out. By simply reframing the language you start to become that person, and because we inevitably are what we do, sometimes we just need a little change in language to set us off in the right direction.
171. break free
People don’t realize how much agency we have for change. We think we’re born into a specific mindset with certain predispositions where we fall accustomed to saying “that’s just the way I am,” not realizing that we are actually making choices at every moment. Unfortunately, too often we make choices that don’t serve us.
For example, I’m sure you’ve heard a friend say something along the lines of “I really hate my job, but I can’t find something else because…” or “I am really tired of the way I look, but I can’t find the time to improve because…” or “I am not happy in this relationship, but I can’t change it because…” And then every time you offer a suggestion, it is met with a variety of excuses to keep them right where they are. They’ll say “I can’t do this because of this, that, or the other thing.”
It’s important to understand that just like our friends, we find reasons to stay in situations that are no longer desirable. Change is hard, but to either stay where you are or to move forward is still a choice. Saying “I can’t do this because…” is the same as saying “I can do this because…” as both are reflective of a choice we make with ourselves to continue to either fit within the narrative we tell ourselves or break free to develop a new one.
The idea that shines through the inability to act on what we want is that change is still desirable, but usually what we want is for someone or something else to change, not us. What most people miss is that it is you who is going to need to change — in mindset, outlook, actions, etc. — to actually discover what you’re after.
You’re never going to get the new job if you find excuses as to why you can’t get out of the one you have. You’re never going to lose the weight if you continue to find excuses for not doing the things necessary for you to get the look, and acquire the confidence you desire. You’re never going to leave the relationship you’re in if you continue to turn off the feelings you’re after.
If nothing else, we are the cumulative effect of the choices we make. It is time to recognize that if those choices aren’t pushing you in the direction you wish to go, then they are keeping you from getting there. Sometimes you have to break the mirror to see what is beyond yourself.
109. the path
We find comfort in the way things are. We take the beaten path, and say, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” We think, it’s the obvious choice, as it was traveled by all those who came before us.
In the book Think Like a Rocket Scientist, Ozan Varol gives the following example about how far this idea can go:
The width of the engines that powered the space shuttle — one of the most complex machines humankind has ever created — was determined over two thousand years ago by a Roman road engineer… The engines were 4 feet, 8.5 inches wide because that was the width of the rail line that would carry them from Utah to Florida. The width of that rail line, in turn, was based on the width of tramlines in England. The width of the tramlines, in turn, was based on the width of the roads built by the Romans: 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
What we’ve done in the past, has the power to shape what we do next. This not only goes for feats of engineering, but our lives as well. The decisions we’ve made throughout our lives create the waves that impact our future. So, if we do not like what our past has presented us, then we must change our behaviors, thoughts, ideas, mindsets, and lifestyles to create the change we seek.