299. it’s about compromise, right?
People in unhappy or unfulfilling relationships often say things like “relationships are about compromise, right?” More often than not, it seems like this sentiment stems from one person feeling pressured into doing what the other wants by pushing solutions that don’t seem fair. But real compromise feels different. It doesn’t mean mutual sacrifice; it means a balancing of desires. It’s a feeling that your needs are taken into account, and even if you don’t get everything you want, you, as well as your partner, both feel as though you got enough of what you needed.
Compromise doesn’t need to be a painful experience. It largely comes down to the emotional maturity of the people we’re involved with. The best outcomes are from those who are so attentive and connected that it’s enjoyable to work things out with them. They care about how you feel, and don’t want you to be dissatisfied. And because they have empathy, they won’t feel settled if you’re unhappy with the outcome. So don’t compromise your needs, cultivate your own emotional maturity, and find someone that is willing to balance your desires.
286. settling for familiar
When it comes to love, there are people who are going to be better for you than others. Unfortunately, sometimes our right person may have already met, and established a relationship with, the wrong one. And you know it’s the wrong one because they stray far enough from their situation to stumble into you. And all that you offer one another, brings you closer, makes you feel alive, fulfilled, and inspired.
Yet, no matter how much love, chemistry, and connection that is shared between the both of you, there is never a guarantee you two will exist together, strictly for one another. It would mean, the one person in the wrong relationship would have to leave, and it’s never that easy. Largely because most of our decisions are based on familiarity. It’s easier to deal with any situation, even if it is less than ideal, when you know what to expect. And familiarity is so powerful that it can cause us to turn down the right person for the wrong one.
Some people realize what needs to be done and make the jump, other people choose to stay where they are because it’s familiar. In either situation, there are differing definitions of success and failure, so there’s no right or wrong answer to the question of what is the best course of action. But the thing is, if we’re settling for familiarity, ease, and comfort, simply out of the fear of having to struggle a little to find equilibrium in a better environment, how can we ever expect to have the things, feelings, relationships, connections, love, or successes we want?
282. better interactions
Most of the problems we encounter with one another arise from our lack of clear and concise communication. Here are a few tips to think about when we’re interacting with someone. Hopefully, with a greater awareness of our thoughts and the words we choose to express them, we can create better, more productive conversations.
Be willing to ask for help.
- Ask for help whenever you need to.
- Remind yourself that if you need something, most people will be happy to help if they can.
- Use clear, intimate communication to ask for what you want, explaining your feelings and the reasons behind your request.
- Trust that most people will listen if you ask them to.
Be yourself, whether people accept you or not.
- State your thoughts clearly and politely, without malice, and do not try to control how people receive it.
- Do not give more energy than you really have.
- Instead of trying to please, give other people a true indication of how you feel.
- Don't volunteer for something if you think you'll resent it later.
- If someone says something you find offensive, you don't need to let the statement go. Try to offer an alternative viewpoint, but don't base the success of the conversation on whether you can change the other person's mind.
Sustaining and appreciating emotional connections.
- Make a point of keeping in touch with people you care about, and returning their messages.
- Think of yourself as someone who can give and receive help from your community of friends.
- Even when people aren't saying the "right" thing, tune into whether they're trying to help. If their effort feels genuine, and makes you feel emotionally nurtured, express your gratitude.
- When someone irritates you, do not say the first thing that comes to mind, think about what you can say to improve the situation and create a mutual understanding. If necessary, wait until you cool off and then ask if the other person is willing to revisit the situation.
Have reasonable expectations.
- Keep in mind that being perfect isn't always necessary. Getting things done is often better than obsessing over getting everything perfect. Adjustments can usually be made after the fact.
- When you get tired, rest or do something different. Your level of physical energy and focus will alert you to when you're doing too much. Don't wait for an accident or produce poor quality work if your head isn't in it.
- When you make a mistake, just remember you're human. Even if you think you've anticipated everything, there will always be unexpected hurdles from time to time.
- Remember that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and for expressing their needs clearly. Beyond common courtesy, it isn't up to you to guess what others want.
Communicate clearly and actively seek preferred outcomes.
- Don't expect people to know what you need unless you tell them. Having someone care about you doesn't mean they automatically know what you're feeling.
- If the people closest to you upset you, use the feelings of pain to identify your underlying need. Then use clear, intimate communication to provide guidance on how they could give it to you.
- When your feelings are hurt, try to understand your reaction first. Did something trigger feelings from your past, or did the person really treat you insensitively? If someone was insensitive, ask them to hear you out.
- Be thoughtful to other people, and if they aren't thoughtful in return, ask them to be more considerate in the future, and then let it go.
- Ask for something as many times as it takes to get a clear answer.
- When you get tired of interacting, politely speak up, asking if there is anyway to continue at another time. Kindly explain that your capacity has been reached at the moment.
249. the ultimate connection
The ultimate connection has us linked together both physically and emotionally. Yet, there are still some people who continue to argue that the more emotionally open and available you are, the worse the sex gets. But how does that even make sense? The more open and honest you are with yourself, the more you can communicate the things you like and wish to see from your partner. Don’t read this the wrong way, carnal pleasures can be great, but they’re limited to their physicality, whereas anyone who has experienced pleasure driven by emotional connection knows that it can be some next level shit.
Study after study show how emotional intimacy increases both sexual desire and sexual libido. And if you really take the time to sit down and think about it, it makes sense. Truly great sex is all rooted in the same categories as emotional intimacy: openness, communication, and trust. Being able to open up so that you can communicate specific desires while trusting your partner isn’t going to think you’re strange or crazy allows for the ultimate connection. Knowing the desires of another and the comfort to explore them openly creates experiences that never stagnate, but instead continue to build upon the last.
Simply put — showing your emotions can lead to some of the best sex of your life. And while we may think that passion and sexual chemistry fade over time, does it really have to? I think that if we can let go of our fears, and stories that prop them up, we will be able to connect on that deep emotional level, allowing us to grow together with each experience so that we can have the best sex of our life each time we have it.
243. out of the corner
There are too many of us who suffer from being lonely. Not for lack of contact or social interaction, but because we aren’t free from our past trauma. We live in a world surrounded by people, yet exist alone, off in a corner with our thoughts. Unable to find the words to speak about the things we’ve gone through or things that have happened to us, we walk alone in a crowd. The only way to break free, to begin to heal ourselves and to grow is to not be scared of vulnerability. It’s okay to stumble over the articulation of our pain on our path to finding our truth. It is not going to be easy, but it is a necessary step toward healing, and perhaps the only thing that is going to bring us out of the corner.
226. “alive”
Ever since I was little, I remember people asking me the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Publicly, I would always answer with some random profession to satisfy the curiosity of whoever it was that asked, as if that’s all this life is supposed to be about. But on my own, in private, when I really took the time to think about it, I’d answer… “when I grow up, I want to be alive.”
Looking back, I’m sure if I voiced that desire many people would think of me as morbid or pessimistic, and try to throw me in therapy, however I never saw it that way. It was more about being present and experiencing the world whenever that far off time of “grown up” decided to arrive. Regardless, the sentiment served me well to get through the next stage of my life.
At one point, I was so riddled with depression and sadness that I no longer wanted to exist. Revisiting the question from time to time, always returned the same answer. Being “alive” always sounded great. And with years of suicidal thoughts, being “alive” was a great goal to shoot for.
Obviously, I made it through those times, tough as they were, and on to the other side of that stage of my life, yet the question still remains… “what do I want to be when I grow up?” I still can’t come up with a better answer to that question than to be “alive.” However, the context is different now. It’s more than the literal — breathing, eating, moving, existing in this world; “alive” — and more the metaphorical “alive” that can only be realized through finding something that lights a fire inside you like finding Love, or Purpose, or Passion, or something along those lines.
I discovered fire. I was lucky enough to have found someone that allowed me to feel “alive” in the experience I shared with her. She opened me up to see the world differently. To see myself differently. “Alive,” no longer meant just existing within the world, it shifted toward wanting to build a new one. Together with her, and for her. Being “alive” became synonymous with the Love and happiness I felt toward this person. It was transformational. I never knew how good things could feel until I found someone whose peaks matched my valleys so exactly. We fit so amazingly well. The polarity was magnetizing. Everything came easy; the words, the passion, the intimacy, the connection, the chemistry. All the feelings and emotions that romance novels and great love stories are made of. The most incredible part is that every bond we connected on, every emotion we shared only grew stronger with the time we spent together. It was fucking amazing when we were together. Truly magic, if even for a moment.
This past year has been the most transformative time in my life. It’s a combination of figuring out how love is supposed to feel, and discovering who I am supposed to be. It’s provided me with a new interpretation of what being “alive” can mean. I’ve never felt more “me” than I do right now. I’ve never felt more alive.
Over the course of my life I’ve returned, again and again, to the question… “what do I want to do when I grow up?” And, I cannot think of a better answer than to be “alive.” However, with each stage of my life it’s taken on new meaning. From my youngest years of simply wanting to grow up. To my darker years of not wanting to die. To the present interpretation of equating “aliveness” (is that a word!?) with finding, experiencing, and expressing Love. The language has always remained the same, but with new experiences, came new meaning.
So, while I’ve answered the question the same way throughout the entirety of my life, the meaning has consistently changed. And I’m okay with that. We should never be too rigid, or strict on the words we use to define our life. They are meant to change, as are we and the words we use. Any introduction to a new experience opens us up to use our language in a new way. New context can change old content. We should always look for new meaning in how we tell our story. The context can change everything. It can light our world on fire, or burn it down. It’s all in the meaning and how we choose to see things.
I hope we all find someone or something that makes us feel “alive.”
224. establishing relationships
When it comes to establishing a relationship, communication is key. It shouldn’t be a chore to talk to someone. There shouldn’t be a desire to avoid contact. And there shouldn’t be any need for posturing. Rather, you should feel completely free to be yourself, and ultimately who you want to become.
Whether it’s in the context of dating or securing a new business deal, you should always ask yourself, “how do I feel when I am interacting with this person?”
If you aren’t drawn to this person. If you don’t feel yourself around them. If you aren’t inspired by their presence. And if it isn’t easy to communicate, then the relationship is doomed to fail, regardless of how attractive or beneficial the relationship may seem.
To cultivate the right relationships, look for comfort in the connection. Finding people who remind you more of who you want to be will allow you to build a transformational relationship, where you and the other person can grow from one another. Whereas, if you have to force yourself to interact in order to commit to something, then the situation merely becomes transactional, and inevitably volatile.
So, when choosing people to surround yourself with, pick ones that make the process of growth easy, instead of chore.