230. behind every criticism

Behind every criticism is a wish waiting to be realized.

We critically ask…

“Why didn’t you ask me about my day?”
“Why didn’t you thank me?”
“Why didn’t you say something nice?”
“Why didn’t you say good morning?”

Instead of saying what we really mean…

“I wish you would show interest in my day, gratitude for my actions, appreciation for my deeds, or acknowledgement of my presence.”

If we say we wished another person did something, we have to put ourselves out there, on the line. It means we want something. It opens us up to be refused, rejected, unheard, or unseen. And if those needs aren’t met, it can be devastating.

To save ourselves from the potential of a painful interaction, we place the responsibility of what we’re truly after onto another by asking a critical question. Instead of saying what we want, we’ll say what they didn’t do. Questioning another by asking, “Why didn’t you do this?” or “What’s wrong with you?” feels better in some bizarre way than to tell the person what you actually want. That’s the wish, veiled in criticism.

We’re all so very complicated. Trying to figure out ways to get what we want, as if there is ever going to be a better way than simply asking. Don’t make things more difficult than they need to be. Don’t place the responsibility of figuring out your needs onto another. Don’t criticize. Be direct. Ask for what you want. You’ll get it a lot sooner, and with less tumult.