329. seeking advice
We all want to make the right decision for ourselves, so we seek advice by asking “what should I do, option A or B?” The weight of the advice we receive will be influenced by the experience of the person we’re asking, however the problem is that what worked for one person may not work for you. There are many factors that go into the success or failure of a particular option, therefore we can’t take one person’s advice too seriously. Ideally, asking for advice should, as the author Derek Sivers explains in Hell Yeah or No, “be like echolocation — bouncing ideas off of all your surroundings, and listening to all the echoes to get the whole picture.”
No matter how much advice you get, you’re always likely to receive what worked best for other people. Ultimately, only you will know what works best for you in the end. The right decision for you may contrast with popular opinion, and that’s okay, because all of our individuals situations have personal nuances that no one else knows about. We all need to find our own way, sometimes that means making the unpopular decision, which may help us understand why it was unpopular to begin with, while other times, it becomes the right and best decision we could have ever made. So seek advice from everywhere, but do so with the idea that each piece of advice is simply part of a larger puzzle you’re putting together.
325. confident
Everyone wants to be sovereign in their decision making, yet at the same time people want to be told what to do. It’s a paradox of freedom. I think this stems from a lack of confidence in ourselves and our ability to make the “right” decision. Unfortunately, very few people are willing to bet on themselves, passing on the burden of what to do, they seek direction from someone else, so if they fail, they don’t have to take personal responsibility for their actions. They become a victim of their own lack of confidence — an assistant manager of their own lives — waiting for directions from a higher authority because they don’t feel confident enough to make decisions by taking action on their own.
We can’t be afraid to make our own decisions and fail. It’s really the only way to learn what works for us and what doesn’t. Doing so will grant us the confidence to make decisions on our own. Every failed decision brings us a step closer to a larger victory, which has the power to build a little more confidence in our ability to positively shape our future. Don’t be afraid to make your next decision, no matter how small. Over time, these decisions will bring about more confidence in yourself and what you decide is best for you in the moment. There will be wrong choices, “oh shit” moments, and failures, but they are all there to serve as lessons to build confidence into your future decision making.
For example; failing to put money away for emergencies, or dating the wrong person, are both lessons that inform and create confidence toward our future decision making which will lead to us starting a savings account and figuring out what attributes we don’t like in a significant other so that we can be confident with the direction of our future. However, none of that would be possible if we didn’t have the confidence to make the wrong decisions and thus learn what they have to teach us.
Nothing quells anxiety like action and nothing builds confidence more than learning what works best for us. Be confident in your decisions as they will serve the future version of yourself and who you inevitably want to become.
297. be the source
Be the source of your own beliefs. Turn off the television. Unsubscribe from the dogmatic material. And stop listening to those who claim to have it all figured out. Your mind is too powerful to let it be guided by anyone other than you.
None of this is to say you shouldn’t search for the ideas you think are best, but do so knowing that what you tune into shapes the world you see and how you interact with everything in it. If you’re constantly told that the sky is falling, you’re going to be scared to leave the house, when reality is far less dangerous. If you’re constantly told that you need to live your life a certain way, you’ll likely acquiesce, to the detriment of what you truly should be doing. In either case you’ll never know for yourself unless you can take time away from the noise that is trying to convince you of one thing or another.
Joseph Campbell once said that, “there is nothing worse than climbing the ladder of life, and finally reaching the top, only to find out that your ladder was leaning against the wrong wall.” So, I implore you to be the source of your own beliefs. Take what is useful and disregard the noise that doesn’t further the life you’re after because there is nothing worse than reaching a place that was promised to fulfill you, but is worlds apart from your expectations.
293. trapped by choice
In his book Civilized to Death, author Chris Ryan tells the following story…
“Years ago a man sitting next to me on the train in India explained how his grandfather had hunted monkeys in the hills of Calcutta. He made a small wooden box with a round hole on the side. Before attaching the top, he placed a mango in the box, then strapped it to a tree, where a passing monkey would smell the mango and reach into the box through the hole. But the mangos are too large to pull out through the hole. So the monkey faced a dilemma: let go of the mango and be on its way, or sit there, holding the uneaten fruit, until the hunter came along to capture it.”
The man goes on to say that these “traps” were very effective. But why?
It’s ridiculous to think that any creature would willingly hold onto something — therefore securing its fate — rather than to let it go. But much like the monkey, our actions are very similar. We often want something so much, it can become detrimental to us. We’re attached to how a person made us feel, or the promise of an idea. Whether it’s holding on to a past relationship, or the belief that more money will solve all our problems — these are just metaphorical mangos we’re grasping for. They are a trap, only inasmuch as we believe that what we’re grasping is the only choice we have. But at some point, we need to realize that holding on to what isn’t going to work is more detrimental to us than any pain it will cause us to let go.
It’s a choice.
279. saying no
Some of us don’t know what we need because we never take the time to stop and ask. We’re too busy saying “yes” to anything that comes our way. Maybe it’s because we feel obligated to say “yes” so we can be liked or feel included, but what if what we’re agreeing to doesn’t’ align with our needs? Eventually, those situations we so eagerly agree to at first, start to feel more and more like burdens over time. And most often, instead of coming to the realization that we’re in control of our decisions, we complain that other people are taking advantage of us.
In all our efforts to fit in and feel special, we’ve conditioned ourselves to automatically say “yes” without the benefit of asking ourselves whether the situation we are agreeing to is really in line with what we need or simply an attempt at feeling included or loved. We forgot how to put ourselves first. We forgot that each “yes” is still our decision to make.
That split second after someone asks if we would like to do this or that should be filled with a moment of introspection; “is what this person is asking of me, really what I need right now, or am I saying ‘yes’ out of habit, just to feel included?” The sooner we can get away from our automatic “yes,” the sooner we can leave behind any negative feelings of obligation that come with it. We need to break the habit of saying “yes” and take responsibility for our decisions so that we can figure out what we really need.
274. every choice comes with exclusion
Every choice comes with exclusion. Our ability to choose is valuable, in that it gives us the power to create our story. We weigh our options, then choose the best one for us in the moment. Sometimes the choices can be made fairly easily, other times they can be devastatingly hard. In either case, there is always a loss to endure. We inevitably have to give up on one narrative to allow for a chance at another to grow.
261. awareness changes everything
Anything we do will be experienced very differently if we do it as a reaction versus a conscious action. For example, when we’re angry, it has the ability to put us on the defensive by taking over our thoughts and words. Much of the time, we regret the things that come out of our mouth automatically, as a reaction to anger. Sometimes it becomes difficult to repair the damage done from those moments. However, this is not to say that expressing anger is always destructive. If we found ourselves in a situation where we saw the opportunity that we could intervene to stop some egregious injustice, the conscious expression of anger could be the best decision to have made in that moment. The difference is that it was given consciously. And anything given consciously rather than automatically is transferred through awareness. So be aware of what arrises within you, use it to improve situations by holding back things you know you’ll regret, or when necessary, let it out to positively impact a negative situation. Awareness has the power to change everything.
256. the longest journey
The longest journey any of us will have to take is one from our mind to our heart. From letting our thoughts be our guide, to what we feel to be true inside.
It’s coming to the realization that what is going on in our head is often influenced by the voices and opinions we surround ourselves with. It’s understanding that in our need to fit in, to be a part of something, to belong, we often compromise who we are and what we truly want.
The conflict that arrises between our thoughts and feelings should cause us to pause and ask ourselves if what we are about to do is truly the right thing for us. The sooner we can align our actions with our true feelings, the sooner we can live a life guided by our heart.
251. fitting in
Where would we be if we worried more about what our future-selves thought about the decisions we make on a daily basis, than the people we currently surround ourselves with? When we’re young, we worry about how we’re perceived by everyone around us. We often make decisions that aren’t in line with who we truly are, instead making those decisions that best fit the narrative we want to fit into. But after a while, we figure out that making decisions based on how we’re perceived by others isn’t the best way to create a life we want to live. At a certain point, we need the courage to stray from the pack we’ve been running with to have a chance to build a life that makes us happy or at least gives us a chance at that happiness.
Part of growing up is separating ourselves from who we thought we were supposed to be — someone defined by the people we surround ourselves with — and the person we need to become — someone defined by making decisions that best align with the future we want to create. The more we struggle and fight who we are, by making decisions that try to fit our lives into a framework that our social group deemed “acceptable,” the less happy and fulfilling our lives will be.
Make decisions based on who you truly want to be, not who you want to impress or fit in with. Sooner or later you’ll realize that the people you were trying to impress weren’t really even paying attention to begin with.
237. willingness
We all want to be free, but what does that really mean? We seem to think it’s the ability to do whatever we want, yet we would be wrong. Freedom isn’t the ability to do whatever we want, it’s the willingness to do so.
We think, “if I only had this much money or that much time, I could finally have the freedom to do what I wanted.” But that’s bullshit. If we were really forced to make a change, we would most likely realize we already have enough money and time to make the necessary changes that would put us on a path toward the life we want. Will it be perfect? Probably not, but that’s freedom.
We have a lot more freedom than our excuses allow us to believe. The things we tell ourselves are just stories to keep us in familiar territory because we are afraid of the consequences or the push back or the unknown that actually comes with the willingness to be free. We aren’t lacking freedom because we’re missing some liberating force in our lives, we lack freedom because we are stuck in our ways.
209. give credence
There will always be obstacles on our path. When we stumble upon them, most of us will see it as a reason to stop and complain about our misfortune, instead of recognizing it as an opportunity to gain a deeper sense of satisfaction with the process. The things that come up along the way will definitely test our resolve — and to a point, maybe that’s why they’re their — but if we can think of them as more than a simple hinderance, we can use their appearance to our benefit. Instead of complaining, give credence to the obstacles that show up along the way, because what they will do is give us more to overcome, and overcoming them will provide us with more gratification on our continual pursuit toward progress.
207. the dizziness of freedom
One of the scariest parts about embarking on a new journey is not knowing where it may take us. We hope for the best, while at the same time harbor anxiety about what is to come of our decisions; no matter whether it’s a new dietary regimen, a new career or a new relationship. And while each situation can be promising, they still come with a bit of unease, which Kierkegaard cleverly surmises this anxiety as “the dizziness of freedom.”
The dizziness doesn’t come from fear of failure, so much as it is about the unknown of what lies ahead. The freedom to look down that new path, with no end in sight, is akin to peering into a deep hole where the bottom can’t be seen. The anxiety you feel is not from fear of falling, because you are freely holding onto the safety rail, but from the mystery of the void.
The freedom we possess to make our own choices will always be met with a bit of anxiety because we are always worried about the unknown, even if that path we’re staring down is exactly where we want to be. But, that unknown is part of our journey, what creates our story, and pushes the evolution of us. As long as that path we set out on is inline with who we want to become, we don’t really need to see the end because we will be able to create it as we go.
205. denial
Life is a constant battle with decision. Weighing one option against another. We think, “Should I stay or should I go?” It’s equally beautiful as it is stressful, in that we have the ability to be the creators of our lives and at the same time we’re constantly confronted with tension of, “Am I making the right decision?”
Forcing to reconcile the weight of one decision against the other, we find ourselves facing denial in some capacity. Yet, the thing about denial is that it’s just willpower at work. We can try our best to resist what is truly calling us, but we need to remember that willpower is fatiguable.
If something is capturing your attention so fully, pulling you away from where you thought you needed to be, you may as well lean into the thing that is causing the change because it’s inevitable that it’s going to happen. So, you either take control, or let indecision consume you to the point where you are so lost that circumstance ultimately creates a situation where the outcome is made for you.
168. comfort & safety
We have a tendency to love simplicity. When things work, we are at ease and can find enjoyment in the most mundane of tasks. It’s enjoyable, simply because it is easy. Our mind doesn’t need to stress about confounding variables or unexpected changes. We like to feel as though we have a sense of control over all situations, which is likely why we often choose the options that are familiar to us, even if they aren’t serving us, than to one that may be unfamiliar, yet will better serve us in the long run.
When things are simple, they feel manageable which makes us feel a sense of comfort and safety, but these two things aren’t the same. Comfort is staying in a place where you know how everything will turn out, it’s simple and familiar whether the consequences are good or bad. Safety is stepping away from that place, just enough that you can still see where you came from, but also see the possibilities that may lay ahead if you choose to lose sight of what is comfortable and move forward.
Our entire lives are a balancing act between our comfort zone and safety zone. Learning when to move forward and when to come back, understanding that if we go too far we’ll find the danger zone. The unfortunate thing is, we don’t have time to continuously reevaluate what is safe every time we seek to make a decision, so over time we tend to forget about our safety zone and just pay attention to the comfort zone instead, assuming that what makes us comfortable also makes us safe.
162. start right where you are
The best way forward, in any situation, is to start right where you are, with whatever you have, and go after what you want. Waiting will never serve the person you want to become, it only feeds the anxiety of what could happen. The first step out of a new situation is always going to be the hardest, but nothing cures anxiety more than action.
If your car breaks down on the side of the road or runs out of gas, you can turn on your hazards and wait for someone to come along to help, or you can get out and start pushing. Your inaction feeds your anxiety. It signals to the world you are looking for charity by saying, “I’m here, I’m at a loss, please help if you can.” It will never create a better version of yourself. Whereas taking action by deciding to start right where you are can propel you into becoming the person you wish to be. That initial push is going to be the hardest part because you’re going to have to overcome the inertia of the unknown, but after 20-30 feet, you’ll gain enough momentum so that all of a sudden you’re not pushing as hard as you were, and instead your focus shifts to keeping up with your current course of action.
Your anxiety of what might happen disappears with the opportunity that action creates.
The moment or environment you find yourself in isn’t always negotiable, but your response is. The discussion you have with yourself in an effort to decide how best to proceed, defines the person you are trying to become. You don’t need to know the exact next step, but you do need to move for momentum to take place. And the best place to start is right where you are.
139. moments
It’s the moments that make us. “Should I do this, or should I do that?” It doesn’t really matter, as whatever decision you make will always be the “right” one for you in the moment. Good or bad, everything that happens as a consequence to our choices is what was supposed to happen. When we find ourselves in situations, questioning the correctness of a choice, just know that, right or wrong, the moment was made for you. Whether you’re helpless in it, or sitting on top of it, you’re right where you need to be. It’s all a learning process, that compounds with time. Those moments of decision resulting in success, struggle, heartbreak, and elation are all part of the story that makes you, You. They are what define your character and empower us to direct our narrative rather than simply being part of the story. Every moment comes with a choice, which makes us who we are. So live your life one moment at a time, knowing that it’s all working out how it was meant to be.
109. the path
We find comfort in the way things are. We take the beaten path, and say, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” We think, it’s the obvious choice, as it was traveled by all those who came before us.
In the book Think Like a Rocket Scientist, Ozan Varol gives the following example about how far this idea can go:
The width of the engines that powered the space shuttle — one of the most complex machines humankind has ever created — was determined over two thousand years ago by a Roman road engineer… The engines were 4 feet, 8.5 inches wide because that was the width of the rail line that would carry them from Utah to Florida. The width of that rail line, in turn, was based on the width of tramlines in England. The width of the tramlines, in turn, was based on the width of the roads built by the Romans: 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
What we’ve done in the past, has the power to shape what we do next. This not only goes for feats of engineering, but our lives as well. The decisions we’ve made throughout our lives create the waves that impact our future. So, if we do not like what our past has presented us, then we must change our behaviors, thoughts, ideas, mindsets, and lifestyles to create the change we seek.
what comes out is what’s on the inside
Your reaction to anything is the most powerful thing you can control, because it will influence all future events in your life. As Viktor Frankl, a man who survived the worst of the Nazi prison camps, said, “it is the last of the human freedoms to be able to choose how we act in any given situation.” Whatever happens to you, you have the ability to choose how you respond.
Whether you get fired, dumped, lose something, or get cut off in traffic, it’s important to remember that all these events are distinct They often pass as quickly as they happen. The problem is we often can’t let go of the feeling they created. We choose to hold on.
You never die from a snake bite. It happened. You die from the venom. The lasting impact of the event that created it. If you cut yourself, the natural process of the body is to heal. It doesn’t remain open as it would be subject to greater complications. When something happens to us, it is the choice, the holding on to the pain the event caused, not the event itself.
Holding on to the pain we’ve experienced can only manifest in negative emotions. Those negative emotions do not let our “wounds” heal. Instead, they create larger problems by influencing our future decisions. Pretty soon you start to think that it’s not you, but it’s other people, or things that happen to you, that re causing you to feel those negative emotions, but those outside events can’t create those internal feelings. Those feelings come from within. We’ve chosen to react in a certain way, by holding on to the pain we’ve been caused.
What comes out of you is what’s inside of you. Ask yourself the following question — if you squeeze an Orange, what comes out? It’s not a trick question. The only acceptable answer is Orange Juice.
Extend that metaphor to when someone “squeezes” you. Someone says something you don’t like, behaves towards you in a way you find offensive, does or says something that you perceive as hurtful, and out comes anger, bitterness, callousness, fear, hatred, resentment, stress, anxiety, or tension. Immediately, you say that you’re feeling this way because of how someone else acted toward you, or what someone else said, or did, but in reality — what comes out is what’s on the inside.
If we have chosen to hold on to the pain of our past, it will always be there to remind you the next time something similar happens. We have to make a conscious choice to respond to the challenging events in our life in a way that will allow us to heal and be open to the future we wish to have. Don’t let yesterday, take up too much today, because that’s how we build tomorrow.
lean into it
In an effort to make the “right” decision, it takes a strong person to deny themselves what they truly want in their heart, especially if that choice can provide them with an experience they’ve been searching for. There are always going to be circumstances that dictate those choices. We are constantly weighing one outcome to another, balancing the logical wants of the brain to the emotional needs of the heart. It’s always going to be hard to know how to make the correct decision without the benefit of hindsight. These instances happen to each of us throughout our lives, and dictate which direction we take when we come to that fork in the road. Pausing before we make that choice, we look down either direction, finding faults with either decision. There will always be fear on both sides of the equation. WE fear the risk of pursuing what we truly want, and at the same time we’re scared to leave the comfort of knowing what to expect if we stay our current course. Some people choose to say, others choose to explore the new path. There isn’t a right answer, but I think discovering the person you could be, at the expense of the comfort you feel by staying where you are, will always be a better option. The thoughts of leaving the current path are the cracks that allow the light to shine in, and light the way to become the person you want to be or build the life you want to have. Lean into it.
Walking a path of comfort is only beneficial, in as much as it allows you the safety to dream of more. Staying on that path, knowing you want something different, something more, something better will only serve as a detriment to a life you could be living. There is a risk in everything. There is as much risk in staying your current course, as there is in choosing the new path. But in choosing the new path, you are able to grow in the sense that you can find out if that is the life you want. More often than not, even if you fail or it isn’t what you thought it would be, lift goes on, and you will gain something from it. A small piece of the puzzle. A small step towards being the person you want to be. Without the risk there is no growth. Lean into in.
We are all so fucking afraid to be different when that is the whole point of living. To grow. To change. To transform into an ever better version of ourselves. It’s a process though. Each step, or misstep, is a conscious choice we have to make. I believe that no matter what you do, every decision you make was the “right” one at the time. Whether the outcome was good or bad, it provided insight. You came to that fork in the road, weighed the options, and decided. That decision of whether it was to stay comfortable or embrace fear needed to happen for you to be the next version of yourself. It makes you, You. Mistakes make us who we are just as much as the successes. Unfortunately, experience is the worst teacher, as it gives the test before presenting the lesson. But that shouldn’t keep us from trying. To grow, to build, to fail, and to succeed you need to go where you haven’t been before. Nothing food comes easy. Lean into it.
If you come to that fork in the road, then you’ve already dreamed of something better. Live your life knowing that whatever you choose isn’t wrong, its simply part of your story. But at the same time playing it safe by denying what the heart wants is never going to lead to a full expression of who you could be. Lean into it.
choose wisely
Reactions matter. It’s much better to be optimistic and disappointed than pessimistic and right. Being positive or being negative isn’t going to change the situation at hand, but it will change the way you feel about it, and even has the ability to affect future outcomes.
The way you talk and think about your experiences has a major influence on how you perceive them. Your thoughts are tightly linked to your emotions, so thinking subtle things like “that was too hard” or “I’ll never be good enough” can leave you in an anxious state of mind that hinders future performance. You probably think it just affects you in the short term, but your self-talk has the ability to sink deep into your subconscious. If you begin to internalize negative self-talk, if can become a huge roadblock on your path toward reaching the person you want to be.
Think of our reactions as subconscious programming. Dr. Bruce Lipton, found that 95% of what we do every single day is controlled by our subconscious mind**. Your deepest, most unrecognizable, thoughts are driving your performance, and ultimately your life. How you choose to program it is up to you. And in the words of Viktor Frankl, it is “the last of human freedoms is man’s ability to choose his attitude in any given situation.”
Choose wisely.