329. seeking advice
We all want to make the right decision for ourselves, so we seek advice by asking “what should I do, option A or B?” The weight of the advice we receive will be influenced by the experience of the person we’re asking, however the problem is that what worked for one person may not work for you. There are many factors that go into the success or failure of a particular option, therefore we can’t take one person’s advice too seriously. Ideally, asking for advice should, as the author Derek Sivers explains in Hell Yeah or No, “be like echolocation — bouncing ideas off of all your surroundings, and listening to all the echoes to get the whole picture.”
No matter how much advice you get, you’re always likely to receive what worked best for other people. Ultimately, only you will know what works best for you in the end. The right decision for you may contrast with popular opinion, and that’s okay, because all of our individuals situations have personal nuances that no one else knows about. We all need to find our own way, sometimes that means making the unpopular decision, which may help us understand why it was unpopular to begin with, while other times, it becomes the right and best decision we could have ever made. So seek advice from everywhere, but do so with the idea that each piece of advice is simply part of a larger puzzle you’re putting together.
325. confident
Everyone wants to be sovereign in their decision making, yet at the same time people want to be told what to do. It’s a paradox of freedom. I think this stems from a lack of confidence in ourselves and our ability to make the “right” decision. Unfortunately, very few people are willing to bet on themselves, passing on the burden of what to do, they seek direction from someone else, so if they fail, they don’t have to take personal responsibility for their actions. They become a victim of their own lack of confidence — an assistant manager of their own lives — waiting for directions from a higher authority because they don’t feel confident enough to make decisions by taking action on their own.
We can’t be afraid to make our own decisions and fail. It’s really the only way to learn what works for us and what doesn’t. Doing so will grant us the confidence to make decisions on our own. Every failed decision brings us a step closer to a larger victory, which has the power to build a little more confidence in our ability to positively shape our future. Don’t be afraid to make your next decision, no matter how small. Over time, these decisions will bring about more confidence in yourself and what you decide is best for you in the moment. There will be wrong choices, “oh shit” moments, and failures, but they are all there to serve as lessons to build confidence into your future decision making.
For example; failing to put money away for emergencies, or dating the wrong person, are both lessons that inform and create confidence toward our future decision making which will lead to us starting a savings account and figuring out what attributes we don’t like in a significant other so that we can be confident with the direction of our future. However, none of that would be possible if we didn’t have the confidence to make the wrong decisions and thus learn what they have to teach us.
Nothing quells anxiety like action and nothing builds confidence more than learning what works best for us. Be confident in your decisions as they will serve the future version of yourself and who you inevitably want to become.
314. choosing the ones we do
We all want to lead enjoyable lives with people who set our soul on fire. Yet, much of the time we trade the attributes we’re most passionate about for the security or stability of something less fulfilling — be it financial or otherwise. And while that isn’t necessarily wrong, is it right to give up on something that can make you feel better than anything else, just to feel comfortable in a relationship that isn’t truly fulfilling you? I would say no, for the simple fact that stifling your needs will never allow you to recognize your true potential as an individual and impact the world in the most meaningful way. Finding someone who can light your soul on fire provides inspiration, whereas settling for security leaves you longing for the things that can make you whole. But, I don’t speak for everybody and ultimately, it is circumstances that dictate our narratives and the reasoning behind why we inevitably choose the relationships we do.
So, while it is admirable that certain people can slough off the need for security to follow their heart, it is a bit conceited to think that those who don’t are any less. At the end of the day, we all make decisions that are right for us in the moment. Security may be what some people need to develop into the person that chases their passion in the future; alternatively, aligning with someone who inspires you into action may be the best way to feel secure and achieve the life you’re after. We’re all different. Some of us will have our hearts broken, becoming casualties in the wake of another’s transformation, but if we’re lucky we’ll find the right person, at the right time, who chooses to walk the same path and wants to share in co-creating a narrative together.
279. saying no
Some of us don’t know what we need because we never take the time to stop and ask. We’re too busy saying “yes” to anything that comes our way. Maybe it’s because we feel obligated to say “yes” so we can be liked or feel included, but what if what we’re agreeing to doesn’t’ align with our needs? Eventually, those situations we so eagerly agree to at first, start to feel more and more like burdens over time. And most often, instead of coming to the realization that we’re in control of our decisions, we complain that other people are taking advantage of us.
In all our efforts to fit in and feel special, we’ve conditioned ourselves to automatically say “yes” without the benefit of asking ourselves whether the situation we are agreeing to is really in line with what we need or simply an attempt at feeling included or loved. We forgot how to put ourselves first. We forgot that each “yes” is still our decision to make.
That split second after someone asks if we would like to do this or that should be filled with a moment of introspection; “is what this person is asking of me, really what I need right now, or am I saying ‘yes’ out of habit, just to feel included?” The sooner we can get away from our automatic “yes,” the sooner we can leave behind any negative feelings of obligation that come with it. We need to break the habit of saying “yes” and take responsibility for our decisions so that we can figure out what we really need.
275. the average
We all exist as potential. Most of the time we don’t realize what we can be because we’re too stuck in the ways we were. It’s hard to get out of the loop of doing what’s familiar so that we can realize what else is possible. Part of that process is becoming vulnerable enough to recognize our faults and want to improve upon them.
Another part is having people in our lives who inspire us to make those changes because they themselves are doing the same. As the saying goes; “we are the average of the 5 people we spend most of our time with.” So if those people aren’t reflecting the values and aspirations we hold highest in ourselves or pushing us to realize our potential, then most likely they are holding us back from realizing it. And I think the hardest part about this is that it isn’t unique to friends, it is all encompassing from family members, to significant others, to business partners. Sometimes who we have in our lives, isn’t who should be there.
272. “wrong” decisions
What’s really going on when we’re confused about a given situation? Obviously, there’s a conflict between what we want to do and what we think we should do. Simply put, we’re always worried about making the “wrong” decision. But what if there aren’t any “wrong” decisions for us to make, only “right” ones? What if every decision we make is the “right” one for us in that moment?
If we can approach all decisions with this attitude, it will take up less of our mental capacity and cause less tension in our day-to-day lives. Ultimately allowing us to lean into whatever decision we make with confidence. And, in the end, either decision will provide us with the clarity about a situation we were previously confused about. In reality, the only “wrong” thing we can do in any situation is waver back-and-forth, deciding on nothing, finding security in stagnation. It creates no clarity, no awareness, and no need to make adjustments with how to continue moving forward.
255. what fills your time
We start new habits with the best of intentions. Placing our effort into areas that will help us move ourselves closer to the person we want to become, but sometimes we lose the motivation that got us started in the first place. When this happens, the popular excuse of “there isn’t enough time,” always comes up. The funny thing about that is for as long as you held the habit, there was enough time to complete it.
So where is the disconnect? It’s not that you lack time, but your motivation waned, and that is okay. Not all habits are meant to stick. However, be mindful what occupies the time you previously spent on your habit of self-improvement. If what you replaced the habit with isn’t of equal value or doesn’t help you progress to the person you are trying to become then perhaps you should rethink what you’re giving up. For example, if I gave up the habit of writing because “I couldn’t find the time,” yet spent an hour a day on social media, then I am not making a decision my future-self will benefit from. However, if I give up the habit of writing because I wanted to focus more on making videos as a form of self-expression or the exploration of ideas, then that seems like a good trade off.
So pay attention to what fills your time. If the habit you currently have isn’t working for you, that’s okay, change it up, just don’t replace it with something that is going to waste the time it’s elimination frees up.
225. tribes
We used to be born into tribes. We didn’t have to find people from other countries or walks of life that share our values or ideas, and then try to create our own. We had very little choice in the matter, but what it gave us was a sense of belonging, identity, and continuity.
We didn’t have to figure out who we were because being born into a tribe inherently meant… “I know who I am, because I know who I am a part of.”
We didn’t have to wonder what to do because the tribe would automatically dictate our approach… “I know what to do, because, I do what I am told.”
We didn’t have to worry about finding purpose because our relationships were organized in a way that gave us a sense of duty and obligation… “I am happy when I fulfill the tasks that are expected of me.”
We weren’t raised for autonomy. We weren’t raised to use our words to say what we want. We were raised to know what other people want from us. Despite the gap in time, we are, to a large extent, still these people.
In the transition from childhood to adulting we are thrust into a world of autonomy, and most of us have no idea how to find our place in the modern world. Hence, the boom in the self-help book genre. We’re all looking to find our place. We have never been more free to make our own decisions, yet more alone in the process.
So, how can we overcome this challenge?
Unfortunately, I don’t see that there is any “quick fix” because, in a way, the whole concept of autonomy is going against human nature. We exist to work together. However, in finding your tribe, I think the best approach for any of us will be to focus more on ways of showing the world who you are comfortable being, rather than trying to find somewhere you’d like to fit in. Your tribe should gravitate toward you, not the other way around.
In essence, this whole concept of starting this blog and sharing my ideas is a way to find my place in the world. To work out my ideas and hopefully find others along the way. All we can really do is try, learn, adapt, and grow. And eventually, if we show up consistently, and with conviction, we’re bound to find our tribe.
220. what really matters
We’ve all had our share of conflict. “Should I do this? or Should I do that?” Most often, we base our decisions on the most familiar option, not because it’s what we’re truly after any longer, so much as it’s the option where we know what to expect. It’s a safe choice, but not necessarily the right one for us.
All choice comes with an element of uncertainty. There is difficulty in saying “yes” to one thing, because it means saying “no” to another. In other words, in choosing one thing, we lose out on another. If everything align perfectly, we would never find ourselves in such a perplexing situation, as the answers would always be obvious. Yet, when they aren’t, their conflict upon our narrative comes in full force.
So, how do we determine what actually matters, and make the right choice for ourselves? We have to think about what we currently know today. With that information we have to ask ourselves… “if I wasn’t already invested in this business/relationship/career, would I invest in it today?”
It’s easy to think about all the time and effort we’ve placed into a particular endeavor and equate switching directions or quitting to throwing it all away, but we can’t look at it like that. We’ve have to understand that our journey was never set in stone. The steps we took to arrive at this point in our lives were all necessary to create the person we are, but that doesn’t mean continuing down the same path will continue to serve us. Hence, the conflict.
Joseph Campbell once said that, “we must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so that we can accept the life that is waiting for us.” In a sense, what we hold on to, can sometimes be what is holding us back.
Conflict arrises for a reason. Pay attention. It brings awareness to what is and isn’t working to deliver us toward the life that is waiting for us. So, that brings us back to the question.. if you weren’t already invested in (insert the thing you are so conflicted over) , would you currently invest all your time and energy into it?
200. different direction
We all want a good life. Some of us think of it as a journey, others as a destination. There’s no right answer as both ultimately end in a similar fashion. We’ve all heard the argument that it is better to do what you love, yet at the same time we know it can be very hard to build a life around watching cat videos on YouTube. So where do we draw the line between enjoying the journey by doing what we love, and setting aside some of our enjoyment along the way to end up at an enviable destination? Some bit of sacrifice is necessary for either option, and that’s the struggle we all deal with.
We can all agree that life should be enjoyable. And, no one deserves anything less. But what happens if in the process of enjoying the journey, something comes along that makes you question the path you’ve chosen? That maybe a bit of sacrifice in one area is necessary for us to gain in another. At a fundamental level, if something shakes you so profoundly that it makes you stop and rethink your resolve about the path you’re on, then it is definitely worth paying attention to. It’s a rare occurrence that shouldn’t be ignored.
Maybe what we thought we were after just isn’t so anymore. And all the choices, successes and failures we’ve encountered up to this point, were just preparation for this moment. The funny thing is that, it just leads back to life being a journey, instead of a destination to reach. You can make all the plans you want, by either trying to create a life out of enjoyment or building one that you can enjoy in the future. But you still have to take it as it comes. Adjust your views as you encounter new perspectives, realign your trajectory, and always keep moving forward, even if it is in a different direction.
195. sparks
Whether we realize it or not, we’re all searching to fulfill the next part of ourselves. Our conscious decisions don’t always align with our subconscious needs. We can find ourselves so far down a path of our own making, thinking we have everything in place, yet still be caught off-guard by the smallest of things. Why? Because it’s something we needed.
Pay attention to the sparks. A look. A feeling. A laugh. A touch. All of the small things that stir something inside of you. They matter. They may not be able to provide you with the life you’re currently after, but they may be able to show you what you’re missing.
166. only make moves when your hearts in it
As we progress through life, we are continually met with an unfolding set of possibilities and opportunities. The tricky thing about it life is that we need to have the courage to engage with things that are unfamiliar, and at the same time develop the wisdom to acknowledge the things that are worth sticking around for. This is true of a place, a person, or a vocation.
Your decisions shouldn’t be dictated by outside forces, market prices, social standards, or monetary interests. They should be based upon where your heart lies and where you will find the most fulfillment.
The balance between finding the courage to explore new territory or the commitment to stay is a hard thing to get right. There are no right answers that anyone can provide. Making the right decision is something personal that we all need to find within ourselves. So let your inner voice be your guide to press forward or to stay put and make something great. Either way only make moves when your heart’s in it.