309. straying
Why do relationships go wrong? Likely, when we show up as someone other than ourselves with unrealistic expectations. When we hide away parts of ourselves or feel they’re unappreciated, we seek to have them actualized elsewhere, leading to infidelity as a way to prove that those parts of us are still alive.
The only way around this situation, and to cultivate a relationship worth having, is to show up as authentically and honestly as we can. Only then are we able to fully be ourselves and seen for who we truly are. It’s the only way to transcend the stagnancy that has become the status quo within a majority of relationships; where poor communication and worse sexual chemistry, ultimately push us or our partners to look elsewhere. It’s a search to fulfill something that is missing, but if we can transition away from the commonplace idea that we need to hide parts of ourselves from our partners, or settle for partners that don’t allow us to be seen for who we are, we’ll never find somebody who allows us to cross the threshold into the extraordinary territory where boundless magnetism and infinite potential exist.
If we’re able to find a person who fits us just right, and share in the life changing results of cataclysmic self-actualizing sex, things like infidelity do not happen. It cannot happen because there is no room for it. The only place infidelity can happen is within a relationship where the couple are out of sync, to the point where their relationship has devolved into lies or worse, deception, in an effort to hide parts of themselves or their needs. Of course, we all need a place to be our full selves, and if we can’t get it within our relationships, we stray.
265. reflection
Most people attach their sense of self-worth to the values and expectations placed upon them by their family or religious belief systems. But as these institutions fade away, each of us is charged with creating our own identity, and the burden has never been heavier. The situation leaves us with no guide or model to follow, so we constantly stare at ourselves in the mirror, negotiating our sense of self-worth and who we’re supposed to be.
Sociologist Eva Illouz points out that “the only place where you hope to stop that evaluation is in love. In love you become the winner of the contest, the first and only.” Being in love has the tendency to show us who we are, and more importantly who we can be. It inspires us. It breaks the old mirror we’re used to seeing ourselves in, dissolving the negotiation of who we should be, and replacing it with the idea of who we need to be in the eyes of the person we love.
230. behind every criticism
Behind every criticism is a wish waiting to be realized.
We critically ask…
“Why didn’t you ask me about my day?”
“Why didn’t you thank me?”
“Why didn’t you say something nice?”
“Why didn’t you say good morning?”
Instead of saying what we really mean…
“I wish you would show interest in my day, gratitude for my actions, appreciation for my deeds, or acknowledgement of my presence.”
If we say we wished another person did something, we have to put ourselves out there, on the line. It means we want something. It opens us up to be refused, rejected, unheard, or unseen. And if those needs aren’t met, it can be devastating.
To save ourselves from the potential of a painful interaction, we place the responsibility of what we’re truly after onto another by asking a critical question. Instead of saying what we want, we’ll say what they didn’t do. Questioning another by asking, “Why didn’t you do this?” or “What’s wrong with you?” feels better in some bizarre way than to tell the person what you actually want. That’s the wish, veiled in criticism.
We’re all so very complicated. Trying to figure out ways to get what we want, as if there is ever going to be a better way than simply asking. Don’t make things more difficult than they need to be. Don’t place the responsibility of figuring out your needs onto another. Don’t criticize. Be direct. Ask for what you want. You’ll get it a lot sooner, and with less tumult.
218. expectations
It’s our own expectations that hurt us, not the reality we’re faced with. Whatever we think should happen for us isn’t real, but exists as a projection of what we want our world to look like. When things don’t go our way, it’s easy to feel like a victim, but the thing is that if we allow ourselves to fall to that level of thinking, we lose all our power to effectively change the situation moving forward.
We are not separate from the problems we encounter, we are part of them. Our experience is based on our perception. Any expectations we place on outcomes is of our doing. The sooner we can accept the responsibility that our expectations are under our control, the sooner we can positively adjust to the consequences.
Our power lies within our approach. We can never know the outcome of a certain situation, so being tied to any particular outcome can never prepare us to rise to the occasion.
69. get specific
Sit down and make a list of the things you want the most. Make sure they’re specific. You want to lose weight; how many pounds? You want to get stronger; pick an exercise? You want to be a small business owner; how much capital do you need to start? You want to be in a relationship; what do you need to get someone to swipe right? It’s your world, so there is no wrong answer. It’s just that if we don’t have what we want, it’s probably for lack of focus.
Now take that list, and look at those specifics. What systems do you need to put in place or what variables do you need to change in your life to get you to the second part of those questions? That is where your attention needs to be. Most people get tripped up because they’re blinded by what they want, instead of focusing one what it takes to get there. If you take the time to put the necessary things in place that will deliver the result you’re after, you will be able to achieve it.
By focusing solely on the outcome, you lose sight of the small things that need to be done day-after-day. Pretty soon, you have little to no results, lose steam and quit. To get closer to what you desire, you need to get specific on what it takes to reach the larger outcome. If you show up everyday and consistently check off the necessary boxes you will be able to lose the weight, get stronger, start your business, have a relationship, or whatever it is that you’re after.
Get specific and have faith in the process.