307. process over product
Find something that allows you to be you. It doesn’t necessarily have to be something you love or are even good at. For instance, you can be terrible at painting, but the process of applying paint to a canvas provides a place to pour out the expression of your thoughts or feelings. You don’t need to possess any level of skill because it’s more about the process than the product. It isn’t about creating something tangible to be sold or hung in appreciation, it’s simply about the activity that gives you the freedom to interact with the world without judgement.
283. two journey’s
We take two journey’s.
The first is the Hero’s Journey, popularized by Joseph Campbell. It takes us from believing that we are what our parents or society told us to be, to shedding those ideals, and going through the process of uncovering who we truly are, where we eventually take on a new identity.
The second, is that of the Artist’s Journey. It’s what Steven Pressfield refers to as “bringing our gift to the world.” It’s the act of living our purpose. It’s the special thing we uncovered in the process of completing the Hero’s Journey that inspires us to show up in the world, and is what provides for the Artist’s Journey to take place. For example, if we find that expressing ourselves through the medium of writing is what allows us to be the person we want to be, then writing is what we need to do. The Artist’s Journey is about showing up in the world and using that special thing that motivates you to be creative or productive.
Think of it like this… the first half of our lives we are creating a vessel to be filled, and in the second — after we know what it takes to live with purpose and find fulfillment in our actions — we fill the vessel.
Both journey’s are of equal challenge and importance, but the sooner we can build our vessel, the sooner we can live with purpose.
282. better interactions
Most of the problems we encounter with one another arise from our lack of clear and concise communication. Here are a few tips to think about when we’re interacting with someone. Hopefully, with a greater awareness of our thoughts and the words we choose to express them, we can create better, more productive conversations.
Be willing to ask for help.
- Ask for help whenever you need to.
- Remind yourself that if you need something, most people will be happy to help if they can.
- Use clear, intimate communication to ask for what you want, explaining your feelings and the reasons behind your request.
- Trust that most people will listen if you ask them to.
Be yourself, whether people accept you or not.
- State your thoughts clearly and politely, without malice, and do not try to control how people receive it.
- Do not give more energy than you really have.
- Instead of trying to please, give other people a true indication of how you feel.
- Don't volunteer for something if you think you'll resent it later.
- If someone says something you find offensive, you don't need to let the statement go. Try to offer an alternative viewpoint, but don't base the success of the conversation on whether you can change the other person's mind.
Sustaining and appreciating emotional connections.
- Make a point of keeping in touch with people you care about, and returning their messages.
- Think of yourself as someone who can give and receive help from your community of friends.
- Even when people aren't saying the "right" thing, tune into whether they're trying to help. If their effort feels genuine, and makes you feel emotionally nurtured, express your gratitude.
- When someone irritates you, do not say the first thing that comes to mind, think about what you can say to improve the situation and create a mutual understanding. If necessary, wait until you cool off and then ask if the other person is willing to revisit the situation.
Have reasonable expectations.
- Keep in mind that being perfect isn't always necessary. Getting things done is often better than obsessing over getting everything perfect. Adjustments can usually be made after the fact.
- When you get tired, rest or do something different. Your level of physical energy and focus will alert you to when you're doing too much. Don't wait for an accident or produce poor quality work if your head isn't in it.
- When you make a mistake, just remember you're human. Even if you think you've anticipated everything, there will always be unexpected hurdles from time to time.
- Remember that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and for expressing their needs clearly. Beyond common courtesy, it isn't up to you to guess what others want.
Communicate clearly and actively seek preferred outcomes.
- Don't expect people to know what you need unless you tell them. Having someone care about you doesn't mean they automatically know what you're feeling.
- If the people closest to you upset you, use the feelings of pain to identify your underlying need. Then use clear, intimate communication to provide guidance on how they could give it to you.
- When your feelings are hurt, try to understand your reaction first. Did something trigger feelings from your past, or did the person really treat you insensitively? If someone was insensitive, ask them to hear you out.
- Be thoughtful to other people, and if they aren't thoughtful in return, ask them to be more considerate in the future, and then let it go.
- Ask for something as many times as it takes to get a clear answer.
- When you get tired of interacting, politely speak up, asking if there is anyway to continue at another time. Kindly explain that your capacity has been reached at the moment.
276. authentic love
Something I’ve learned is that for a relationship to work, and more importantly have the potential to thrive, it can’t be used as a means to fill any voids or wounds caused by our past. If either participant is looking for rescue or validation through the love of another, the relationship isn’t going to work.
A healthy relationship is one that can provide a welcoming space for mutual evolution. This sentiment is, as Dr. Nicole LePera puts it, “the essence of authentic love.” She goes on to say that, “when two people allow each other the freedom and support to be fully seen, heard, and Self expressed, authentic love doesn’t feel like an emotional roller coaster; it feels like peace and an inner knowing that you are both choosing to show up from a place of mutual respect and admiration.”
Authentic love is one that feels more like home, than a drug. It definitely has the power to take you on a ride, but it’s not going to create dependence. Any high comes from the realization that life is better with this person, not because of them. It’s rooted in the awareness that this person isn’t there to fix you, heal you, or make up for all the traumas you’ve experienced in your past, but with this person around, sharing a life is much more enjoyable and because of this there is always an inspiration for continual growth, both independently and as a couple.
261. awareness changes everything
Anything we do will be experienced very differently if we do it as a reaction versus a conscious action. For example, when we’re angry, it has the ability to put us on the defensive by taking over our thoughts and words. Much of the time, we regret the things that come out of our mouth automatically, as a reaction to anger. Sometimes it becomes difficult to repair the damage done from those moments. However, this is not to say that expressing anger is always destructive. If we found ourselves in a situation where we saw the opportunity that we could intervene to stop some egregious injustice, the conscious expression of anger could be the best decision to have made in that moment. The difference is that it was given consciously. And anything given consciously rather than automatically is transferred through awareness. So be aware of what arrises within you, use it to improve situations by holding back things you know you’ll regret, or when necessary, let it out to positively impact a negative situation. Awareness has the power to change everything.