311. questioning failures
Failure is inevitable, yet we are so scared of it that we’re willing to do almost anything to avoid it, minimize its impact, or completely deny its existence. In doing so, we only exacerbate our shortcomings by refusing to accept and learn from what a failed experience can teach us. Instead of retracting, minimizing or denying, it’s imperative to take ownership of what we have done, fully admit to our mistakes and failures, so that we can learn the lessons they teach and figure out how to prevent them from happening again.
A simple exercise in ownership comes from the book Sovereignty, by Ryan Michler, where seeking to reframe how we look at our experiences, he puts forth the following line of questioning…
Instead of asking, “whose fault is this?” ask yourself, “what can I do to ensure this doesn’t happen again?”
Instead of asking, “why didn’t ____________ do ____________?” ask yourself, “what can I do to ensure ____________ gets done next time?”
Instead of asking, “why am I surrounded by incompetent people?” ask yourself, “what can I do to surround myself with competent people?”
The first set of questions do nothing to improve the situation, whereas the second focuses on what can be done to improve the situation. The quality of our outcomes will be determined by our responses to the failures we will inevitably come up against. By taking ownership of the situation, and asking the right questions to move forward, we can make the best out of any bad experience.
298. a world of comparison
We live in a world of comparison, always judging the present version of ourselves against the polished postings we see on social media, or the glamour that is celebrity culture. The unfortunate fact is that somewhere along the line we lost sight of what is truly important, that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but where you water it. Therefore, comparison only robs us of the joy of being ourselves.
Growing up in a society based on selling you an idea of never being enough has led us to believe that if we make enough money to buy that next thing, or lose enough weight to look like that person, or establish a following on any given platform, we can attain some sense of joy, happiness, or fulfillment. But in our efforts to model our lives after those we admire — likely for the wrong reasons — all that joy, happiness, and fulfillment can get sucked right out of us. Our journey can be influenced by those we see, but it shouldn’t be blindly followed. Instead, we would serve our future-selves much better if we focused on our journey, ours alone.
266. realizing a past trauma
When I was young, my mother would always ask me things like, “Why can’t you be this way?” or “Why can’t you be more like that person?” This led me to believe there was something inherently wrong with me. I was never good enough. I think that belief has followed me throughout my life, and became one of the reasons why I got into personal training / health coaching. I wanted so badly for someone to say, “Thank you. You are so great. You’ve helped me. And I appreciate who you are.”
It’s interesting to reflect on the paths we take. To really sit and wonder why. For myself, I try so hard to be good at what I do, that I’m often questioned, why I try so hard or what’s the purpose of continuously taking more classes? It’s very frustrating for me to hear these things. I have always justified them as a need to learn more so that I can be better at helping people, but I think a better reason is that I am just looking to be seen for what I can do and loved for what I am good at. With each new bit of information or protocol I learn, I am able to stand out in the eyes of the people that I help.
I think past traumas play a part in dictating all of our lives. The unfortunate part is that most of us will never take the time to develop the awareness that is needed to heal them. So we hold onto them thinking that the trauma is just who we are, when in reality it is just keeping us from all that we could be.
259. programmed
All our problems start in childhood. And it’s not just the fault of our parents, it’s also the things that happened at school and with our peers. Anything that happened before that transitionary age of 18, pretty much cemented the way we’ve thought and acted ever since.
The trauma we made it through isn’t who we are, but it did program us to see and approach the world in a certain way. Until we realize that there is a difference between what happened and what we understood it to be, we will be stuck viewing our future through the lens of the past. It can keep us from taking necessary risks, standing up for ourselves, asking for the things we deserve, and working hard to get the things we want.
Being stuck in the past is what stops our growth, and keeps us from the life we keep saying we want to have. At a certain point, we all need to realize it’s no longer good enough to look in the mirror and simply think “this is who I am.” We all need to be willing to break the mirror to see what’s on the other side, and redefine our lives from where we are today.
100. paint your canvas
Too often we try to be someone we’re not. We take the canvas we’re given when we come into this world and paint it according to how we think we can best achieve the love and acceptance we’re after. We follow people we admire or want to be like, applying the brush strokes to the canvas just as they did, without realizing that no one goes to the museum to look at another version of an already famous painting. It’s the pieces of ourselves we suppress while trying to model the picture of our lives after someone else’s that are the exact things we need to emphasize on our canvas to find the love and acceptance we’re after. Whether it’s because of fear or societal pressures, the parts of ourselves we’re most afraid to show are the very things that make us unique. And, if we can find the confidence, it’s those peculiar differences that will earn you a place on the wall. Find confidence to beautifully paint the canvas you’re given.