340. crystal clear
Whenever you try to implement change, a tension arises. The rational part of your brain knows what needs to be done, but the emotional part doesn’t want to do the hard work.
For change to happen you need both parts of your brain on board. If you only instruct the rational part of your brain you’ll have an understanding, but no motivation. If you only appeal to the emotional part of the brain, you’ll have passion, but no direction.
The rational part of your brain is the part of you that knows exercising before work is a good idea, so it sets the alarm nice and early. It has a clear vision of what it wants and the best way to get there, but unfortunately it’s a poor motivator. The best shot at getting your emotional brain on board is to be specific as possible about what needs to happen, otherwise the passion for change will fade.
“Lose weight” isn’t very clear, but “wake up at 5am, put on shoes, go to the gym, do 4 sets of squats and pull-ups” is a crystal clear instruction.
“Be more productive” is not clear either, but “sit down at the desk, open up a word document, set the timer for 20 minutes, and start writing all the words bouncing around in your head until the time is up” is another crystal clear instruction.
Both examples allow for small tasks to be repeated right after another, adding motivation to keep moving forward.
If it’s clear and easy, motivation and direction come into alignment effortlessly, allowing for change to happen. As soon as clarity is lost in vague statements, real change stands no chance.
337. letting go
For those who hang on to things forever, it’s important to realize that at a very fundamental level, our role as humans is to grow. And the only way for that to happen is by letting go of the people, ideas, habits, etc. that no longer serve us and the person we wish to be.
You may want to be loved by this person, or continue to practice a certain habit but it’s not the person or the habit that you want, it’s the result of those experiences we’re after. Holding on to things that no longer take us in the direction we want to go, only keeps us from arriving at the destination we want so badly.
Letting go provides us with the space to develop new relationships, learn new lessons, and create new opportunities so that we find the things we’re after. This isn’t to say that the process isn’t without heartache or strain, but it sometimes becomes a necessary part. Whenever we find the strength to let go, we open ourselves up to possibility — a place where we originally found the thing/s we current find ourselves having trouble living without — which is where we always find something new and wonderful within the space we created.
332. crumbling is not an instant’s act
Most of the time people forget the lessons that historians and leaders would like us to remember. Whether it’s a natural disaster or a pandemic, each enter our collective consciousness as they arise, seemingly out of nowhere. Novel as they seem in the moment, they are often remnants of unresolved themes of the past we continuously fail to learn from and correct. We think this time it’s different, forgetting that even though history doesn’t repeat itself, it does rhyme.
After a flood washes out huge sections of oceanfront property, people rebuild their lives on the same spot. After this pandemic, it’s likely, people will go back to their old habits of taking their health for granted. Unfortunately, we have a culture that doesn’t remember because they’re blasted with a story that says this time it’s different, backed by a media portrayal that exacerbates a narrative that our way of life was right all along, while disregarding any clues that may have shown up along the way.
There’s a poem by Emily Dickinson called Crumbling is not an instant’s Act which shows things need to build before they can happen. It reads:
Crumbling is not an instant's Act
A fundamental pause
Dilapidation's processes
Are organized Decays.
'Tis first a Cobweb on the Soul
A Cuticle of Dust
A Borer in the Axis
An Elemental Rust—
Ruin is formal—Devil's work
Consecutive and slow—
Fail in an instant, no man did
Slipping—is Crash's law.
The emphasis on Crumbling is not an instant’s Act and Slipping—is Crash’s law is mine, as I think it poetically illustrates that things don’t simply happen out of nowhere, they take time. The bottom doesn’t just drop out, things have to creak, weaken and give way. It’s our choice to look the other way when we hear the squeaks. It’s our choice to be consumed by the nonsense of telling us not to pay attention to the clues. It’s our choice to be coerced into a false sense of confidence that is perpetrated by popular narrative, saying we are on the right path. But are we really?
We’re continuously assured that this time it’s different. This time it came out of nowhere. No one could have known. The voices of popular media seek to placate our worries by reaffirming our way of life is the correct one, yet, if that were true we would learn from our past. Instead we confidently walk toward a cliff, ignoring the signposts along the way that warn us of the upcoming drop. Then we’re surprised when we eventually walk off the edge.
So how do we change? If getting us to learn from our past doesn’t work because we’re too busy wrapped up in the now, lost in the blatantly false narrative of going the right direction, then how do we keep from repeating our past failures? Generally, the way people change their mind and thus correct their path isn’t because of a single lesson, it’s through a tumbling of dominos. It’s the same principle Dickinson reaches for with Crash’s Law. It’s a gradual shift. Built with awareness over time, until a crescendo eventually happens one way or the other. We either learn, or repeat our same mistakes.
The problem comes with who is controlling the information we’re receiving, the narrative, the ideas being sold because they’re all going to influence the questions we ask and the actions we take. The best way to create positive change to our situation is to become aware of what is going on around you. Look for the signposts. Each one is a domino falling. New information leads to new thoughts, which leads to new questions that evolve into new actions. There’s no fall without warnings of a cliff ahead.
279. saying no
Some of us don’t know what we need because we never take the time to stop and ask. We’re too busy saying “yes” to anything that comes our way. Maybe it’s because we feel obligated to say “yes” so we can be liked or feel included, but what if what we’re agreeing to doesn’t’ align with our needs? Eventually, those situations we so eagerly agree to at first, start to feel more and more like burdens over time. And most often, instead of coming to the realization that we’re in control of our decisions, we complain that other people are taking advantage of us.
In all our efforts to fit in and feel special, we’ve conditioned ourselves to automatically say “yes” without the benefit of asking ourselves whether the situation we are agreeing to is really in line with what we need or simply an attempt at feeling included or loved. We forgot how to put ourselves first. We forgot that each “yes” is still our decision to make.
That split second after someone asks if we would like to do this or that should be filled with a moment of introspection; “is what this person is asking of me, really what I need right now, or am I saying ‘yes’ out of habit, just to feel included?” The sooner we can get away from our automatic “yes,” the sooner we can leave behind any negative feelings of obligation that come with it. We need to break the habit of saying “yes” and take responsibility for our decisions so that we can figure out what we really need.
278. proving the process
We all want to improve some aspect of our lives. Most of our attempts come through the act of goal setting. Unfortunately, as good as goals can be as an initial motivator, they come with a downside of becoming useless once achieved. So we’re constantly tasked with setting new goals, which may work for some people, but for others, it’s likely that the continued sacrifice and grind of denying who we are or how we want to live to achieve something can take a toll until we eventually quit altogether. But there’s a better way to look at it.
Instead of goal setting being black and white, either achieved or not, think of it as a testing process. To see what works, what doesn’t, and what can be implemented into a longterm process of achieving, instead of achievement. There is no point in denying ourselves the things we enjoy or sacrificing parts of our life to achieve something, only to say we achieved a result for a brief moment before we revert back to doing the things we enjoyed.
The simplest way to achieve something is usually not the most sustainable or easiest way for us to get there, and that’s okay. The simplest way to achieve a weight loss goal is to severely restrict calories and workout intensely. The simplest way to achieve a goal of financial independence is to stop spending money and work feverishly. While either goal is admirable, the sacrifice it takes to achieve them likely isn’t sustainable for the majority of us, because simple doesn’t equal easy.
It’s better to use our attempts at achieving goals to figure out small things that we can stick with and implement into our lives, so that over time we can achieve what we’re after without having to sacrifice all our fun and enjoyment. Pretty soon, those small things we’ve added in, simply become part of the process of our daily lives, not part of a goal we’re trying to achieve. And because we continue to add those small parts in, we can arrive at the same end point of a healthy weight or hefty bank account while not having to worry about regressing or falling back into old habits.
We will be better off if we can reframe the process of constant goal achievement, into a process of achieving. In the end, we’ll no longer need a goal when our process is proven over time.
255. what fills your time
We start new habits with the best of intentions. Placing our effort into areas that will help us move ourselves closer to the person we want to become, but sometimes we lose the motivation that got us started in the first place. When this happens, the popular excuse of “there isn’t enough time,” always comes up. The funny thing about that is for as long as you held the habit, there was enough time to complete it.
So where is the disconnect? It’s not that you lack time, but your motivation waned, and that is okay. Not all habits are meant to stick. However, be mindful what occupies the time you previously spent on your habit of self-improvement. If what you replaced the habit with isn’t of equal value or doesn’t help you progress to the person you are trying to become then perhaps you should rethink what you’re giving up. For example, if I gave up the habit of writing because “I couldn’t find the time,” yet spent an hour a day on social media, then I am not making a decision my future-self will benefit from. However, if I give up the habit of writing because I wanted to focus more on making videos as a form of self-expression or the exploration of ideas, then that seems like a good trade off.
So pay attention to what fills your time. If the habit you currently have isn’t working for you, that’s okay, change it up, just don’t replace it with something that is going to waste the time it’s elimination frees up.
248. cascade
Beliefs become our thoughts.
Thoughts become our words.
Words become our actions.
Actions become our habits.
Habits become our virtue.
Virtue becomes our destiny.
There is a level of control to destiny. Many of us think that what is going to happen, will happen. But in reality, we have the power to affect that inevitability. It all starts at the beginning of the cascade with the beliefs, thoughts, and words we use to describe the life we are living. Believing your current situation is inevitable will never allow you to find the words to develop the actions which will orient you towards the habits that can then begin to shift your trajectory.
Where we are, does not determine where we will end up. The sooner we can change limiting beliefs, the sooner we can start to create changes that will put us on a path toward where we want to be and ultimately fulfill the destiny of our liking.
247. the guest house
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
— Rumi
——————
Each new day invites chaos into our lives. We know it’s coming, yet instead of welcoming the “violent sweep,” we guard against its reckoning. No matter whether that life is actually working for us or not, it’s familiar so we establish routines and habits to mitigate any disruption and hold on to that way of life as tightly as we can. Yet, we forget that the universe was created out of chaos. All the subsequent beauty, love and grace that we see came out of a time where things were disrupted. Just imagine what we could be missing by trying to guard against the chaos so intently.
246. what are you unwilling to feel?
What are you unwilling to feel? What are you unwilling to sit with? Whatever it is, that is the thing you need to pay attention to.
Many of our behaviors, thoughts, and habits are established to mask or override the things we don’t want to feel. Bad habits may be bad, but they certainly feel easier to deal with than the pain of reliving and working through a past trauma. In our effort to avoid facing our pain, we inevitably create more dis-ease with the behaviors we use to cover up or distract ourselves from the things we don’t want to feel.
So when you find yourself alone looking for a way to distract yourself from certain thoughts creeping in your mind, pause and reflect on where they’re coming from, and why you want soo badly to disassociate from them. It’s going to be tough, but it’s a necessary first step in a long process of dealing with the underlying issues that have a certain power over our lives and the path we walk.
231. hinging your tomorrows on yesterday
Not everything is meant to last forever. But the end of something doesn’t mean you failed. It more likely means the thing you’re after is failing you. Who you’ve become in the process can no longer be fulfilled by whatever it is you’re afraid to fail at. And in trying, you’re not opening yourself up to the possibility of something that can fulfill the new person you’ve become. You’re hinging your tomorrows on yesterday.
We have to realize that there is a distinction between what is worth saving and what is worth walking away from. But we all want there to be definitive answers, so we wait for absolutes, and that’s the biggest mistake because they never come. We’re always going to be at battle with “what if?”
Our decisions are always going to come with conflict. In choosing to walk away from old systems and toward greater possibilities, sometimes we also have to come to terms with letting go of what was great about the old system.
As I like to say, “there are no right answers, but there are wrong ones.” This life is about forward progress and momentum. If the situation you find yourself in isn’t moving you forward, or at least allowing you to maintain the momentum toward the life you want, then it’s important to periodically ask, “is this system serving who I want to become, or holding me back?” Pay attention to the themes.
The answers are never simple and choices will always be hard, but nothing worth it comes easy.
215. master the art of showing up
A habit must be established before it can be improved. This has to become a standard in your life before you should start worrying about optimizing or expanding on it.
If you’re not the type of person who sits down and writes one sentence a day, or steps one foot inside a gym, you’re never going to be the person who finishes a novel, or looks good naked.
We’re so focused on finding and implementing the perfect plan that we forget to give ourselves permission to not be perfect at first. Instead, we need to shift our focus on showing up everyday in a small way.
Whether it’s one push-up or one word on a blank page, do something so that you can master the art of showing up. Make that your new normal. And then once you become the person who shows up, then you can expand on the habit you’ve built.
176. seeking resolution
We all have habits, good and bad. But it’s not the habit we’re after. It’s the feeling we derive from the execution of that habit.
We don’t want to journal, we want to think clearly. We don’t want to smoke, we want to alleviate our anxiety. We don’t want to workout, we want the result the workout delivers.
Habits are driven by the prediction of what the behavior will give us. What we’re after is resolution. A stimulus that either extinguishes or suppresses feelings or urges that arise within us.
As with everything else, certain things serve us, while others don’t. If a habit isn’t making you better, it’s keeping you from getting better. That emotion or urge you seek to chronically suppress is most likely the manifestation of an underlying need. It is something that deserves to be explored further, not overlooked. When the underlying message is brought to your attention it can be dealt with in a better way, leading to positive changes, and perhaps the elimination of bad habits.
141. change is hard
Change is hard. We approach the concept of positive change with good intentions, yet when we arrive at the crossroads of where we need to leave behind our old habits to implement new ones, we inevitably stumble. Whether we realize it or not, we hold onto more fear about losing what we have come to accept as ourselves — lifestyle and habits — than what we stand to gain by making the transition. If we know that implementing healthy and positive changes will be beneficial, then why is change so hard?
To answer this question we can look into the work of Daniel Kahneman, who won the Nobel Prize for his research into cognitive biases — those little hardwired shortcuts in our brains that help speed up the decision-making process. While they’re helpful, they’re not always rational. An example of this is something called loss aversion. Rationally, gaining a dollar should be as pleasurable as losing a dollar is painful. However, our brains don’t work like that and a reason why change can be so difficult. Losing a dollar bothers you a lot more than earning a dollar makes you feel good. It makes sense because losing too much can equate to you having to live in a box and evolutionarily if you lost everything that meant death, while gaining a lot is nice but its appeal quickly diminishes (due to the hedonic treadmill). So it seems that evolution has wired us to fear losses much more than we love gains.
In other words, losses loom larger than gains. Change is so hard because we have to lose a piece of ourselves in the process. We are loss averse.
114. habitual thinking
We’ve all developed habits by consistently performing something a certain way, over and over again. Whether, it’s the most effective way to accomplish something doesn’t cross our minds because after a certain number of repetitions it’s far easier to simply turn on autopilot and complete the task at hand. However, issues can arise when we struggle to tell the difference between habitual thinking and intuition. When habits start to feel like intuition, it has the tendency to keep us stuck in the familiar, which isn’t always the best way to get things done. If we’re struggling to overcome something in our life — weight loss, relationship woes, career stagnation — using the same habitual thought processes that led us to this point, it may be time to step out of the familiar line of thinking you’re accustomed to by listening to the voice of intuition. Therefore, it becomes important to realize that you can’t change something with the same line of thinking that got you there to begin with.
80. create awareness
Most people don’t actually want to learn how to get in shape, even though that’s what they say. What they want is to become that person who is in shape. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s important to understand that these are two differing mentalities. Where more information will do wonders for the person who wants to learn, it will do fuckall for the person who just wants to be in shape.
If you want to learn, it’s largely an academic process of acquiring knowledge through school, books, seminars, mentors, etc. Most people don’t have the time, nor the inclination to put in that type of effort. They simply want to look better naked. If this is you, it’s a very experiential process. It’s not really about knowing exactly how many calories you need to consume or calculating your calorie burn for any given effort. It’s about what governs your emotions, routines, behaviors, and habits that really count. Change isn’t stimulated by acquiring more knowledge, but from transforming what you do day to day. Therefore, it comes down to creating new behaviors, which lead to new habits, which lead toward a path of who you want to become.
To really change, it comes down to bringing awareness to your current situation. You can do this by incorporating daily practices that set you up to become the person you ultimately want to be. As an example, none of my weight-loss clients are conscious of how much they eat, nor how little they move. Not until I invite them to start a food log and track the amount of steps they get each day do they understand that the decisions they make are having an impact on their life. This awareness is the very foundation for change. More information about how nutrition or exercise never helped, but bringing attention to simple habits of what they’re eating and how much they’re moving starts the cascade for change. So to change your life, you need to bring awareness to all that you do.