334. inherited outlook
Scientists originally believed that it was strictly our parents’ genes that became the blueprint for what would eventually become us, and that with just the right amount of guidance and nutrition, we would develop seamlessly according to plan. But newer research is showing that the person you have become is predicated more on the history of your parents — and perhaps more astonishingly, their parents — than simply the environment you grew up in.
In his book, It Didn’t Start with You, Mark Wolynn states that “the history you share with your family begins before you are even conceived. In your earliest biological form, as an unfertilized egg, you already share a cellular environment with your mother and grandmother… This means that before your mother was even born, your mother, your grandmother, and the earliest traces of you were all in the same body — three generations sharing the same biological environment.1 This isn’t a new idea; embryology textbooks have told us as much for more than a century. Your inception can be similarly traced in your lateral line. The precursor cells of the sperm you developed from were present in your father when he was a fetus in his mother’s womb.”2
While the particulars of the events that shaped the lives of your parents may be obscured from your vision, the residual impact of those particulars is what shapes your being as you come into existence. It’s not what you inherit from your parents, but also how they were treated throughout their lives, up until you are conceived. Everything along the way, crossing multiple generations, influences how you relate to a partner, the world around you, and the children you conceive. And for better or worse, research indicates your parents tend to pass on the parenting that they themselves received.
So, when it comes to figuring yourself out and why you feel or react a certain way about something, look back to connect the dots of your lineage rather than feel powerless about how you feel. Most of our patterns and approaches to the world begin to form before we’re even born. Looking back can provide clarity about why we do the things we do by helping us understand that our “foundation” is laid by the generational experiences that preceded it.
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C. E. Finch and J. C. Loehlin, “Environmental Influences That May Precede Fertilization: A First Examination of the Prezygotic Hypothesis from Maternal Age Influences on Twins,” Behavioral Genetics 28(2) (1998): 101.
Thomas W. Sadler, Langman’s Medical Embryology, 9th ed. (Baltimore: Lippincott Williams & Wilkins, 2009), 13.
325. confident
Everyone wants to be sovereign in their decision making, yet at the same time people want to be told what to do. It’s a paradox of freedom. I think this stems from a lack of confidence in ourselves and our ability to make the “right” decision. Unfortunately, very few people are willing to bet on themselves, passing on the burden of what to do, they seek direction from someone else, so if they fail, they don’t have to take personal responsibility for their actions. They become a victim of their own lack of confidence — an assistant manager of their own lives — waiting for directions from a higher authority because they don’t feel confident enough to make decisions by taking action on their own.
We can’t be afraid to make our own decisions and fail. It’s really the only way to learn what works for us and what doesn’t. Doing so will grant us the confidence to make decisions on our own. Every failed decision brings us a step closer to a larger victory, which has the power to build a little more confidence in our ability to positively shape our future. Don’t be afraid to make your next decision, no matter how small. Over time, these decisions will bring about more confidence in yourself and what you decide is best for you in the moment. There will be wrong choices, “oh shit” moments, and failures, but they are all there to serve as lessons to build confidence into your future decision making.
For example; failing to put money away for emergencies, or dating the wrong person, are both lessons that inform and create confidence toward our future decision making which will lead to us starting a savings account and figuring out what attributes we don’t like in a significant other so that we can be confident with the direction of our future. However, none of that would be possible if we didn’t have the confidence to make the wrong decisions and thus learn what they have to teach us.
Nothing quells anxiety like action and nothing builds confidence more than learning what works best for us. Be confident in your decisions as they will serve the future version of yourself and who you inevitably want to become.
315. questions for change
Not starting something because we’re unsure of the result is a faulty mindset. We need to be willing to try different avenues to see what works best for us. Stop searching for a guarantee before you start. Instead, get clear about what you want and be willing to try out different ways to achieve it with intent, because if you do — if you try it on for size, you can figure out what fits best — as opposed to the opposite which is wasting time waiting for a guarantee, of which there are none.
When you want something different out of life, think about the following questions before you embark on your journey and maybe it can save you some time…
What is the change you seek to make? Are you here to do what you’re told or are you here to learn and improve yourself? Are you here to make a contribution with that change, or are you here only to take something for yourself? Answering questions honestly is difficult because it’s all about the stories we tell ourselves. So, if we can figure out how to tell ourselves a different story, then we may be able to create a different life. One that is not only beneficial to who we wish to become, but those whose lives we touch as well. Some people wake up in the morning and think “how can I double my worth,” while other people think, “how can I help the homeless guy on the corner.” These are two totally different kinds of change we seek to make in the world, but both are change. It comes down to being honest with who you want to be.
What possibility do you see? People have been indoctrinated since birth to either believe they are entitled or not, special or not, that they possess the ability to make a difference or not. So, the question may be better asked as to whether or not you see possibility in the change you seek to make? Likely if you are confident enough to try, then it’s a yes. On the flip side to that is learning to see the world as it is. It’s easy to think we get to make the world the way we want it to be, but we don’t. And that can be hard. The world is the way it is. Learning to see that reality is critical and it changes our view on what is really possible for us. If no one has ever done the thing you wish to accomplish, then you might be deluding yourself, whereas if there is a well-trodden path you seek to go down, then you might be able to follow it and add your flavor. This isn’t to say that, if it hasn’t been done before, don’t bother, but to be mindful not to travel too far down a road to nowhere. Millions of people have studied the stock market, yet most of them weren’t able to turn into Warren Buffet. Millions of people have read how to get in shape, but most of them weren’t able to transform their body into what they had initially envisioned. Part of it is discipline, part of it is seeing possibility, part of it is deciding what kind of journey you want to go on over the next year or even decade and how you approach it. But none of it is for lack of available information.
How much emotional labor are you willing and able to expend to accomplish the thing you wish to do? Whatever the goal, it may seem simple at first, but you quickly realize that there is a difference between simple and easy. Losing weight is relatively simple, however its execution is much more laborious than most people are willing to endure. Change isn’t easy because it requires us to dismantle old ways of thought and stories that have run our lives for years, and try new ones to see which ones stick so that we can get the end result we want. It’s really about being comfortable with incompetence on your way to getting better.
300. everything is not a test
We often get in the way of our own potential because we’ve been taught to see everything as a test. Instead of being open to learning from an experience, we’re solely focused on what it takes to pass the test. But the truth is, nothing in this life is a test; it’s all an opportunity to learn and grow. The sooner we’re able to understand that the obstacles in our way present a potential for growth, we can become much greater than those who only see life as one continual test to prove themselves. It’s the difference between allowing a situation to illuminate our weaknesses, versus hardening ourselves to the difficulties ahead; in the first situation we can learn from what we lack and improve going forward, but in the latter, we block all opportunity for light to shine on our weakness and thus stifle our potential for growth.
290. stop failing, start learning
Stop failing and start learning.
We need to stop thinking in terms of success or failure every time something doesn’t work out the way we want. We didn’t fail, so much as we figured out that a certain path isn’t going to get us where we want to go. And with that tested approach out of the way, we can take a different path or develop a new technique that might yield better results.
We need to learn to embrace the moments that lead to learning, and not be afraid of them. Failures are inevitable with any endeavor, so if we reframe them or change the language of “failing” into something like “teachable moments,” they may not be so frightening to encounter. And because they aren’t as frightening, our confidence grows during the course of our journey instead of wavering. Each step, and misstep, grants us with more insight about how best do arrive at our destination.
283. two journey’s
We take two journey’s.
The first is the Hero’s Journey, popularized by Joseph Campbell. It takes us from believing that we are what our parents or society told us to be, to shedding those ideals, and going through the process of uncovering who we truly are, where we eventually take on a new identity.
The second, is that of the Artist’s Journey. It’s what Steven Pressfield refers to as “bringing our gift to the world.” It’s the act of living our purpose. It’s the special thing we uncovered in the process of completing the Hero’s Journey that inspires us to show up in the world, and is what provides for the Artist’s Journey to take place. For example, if we find that expressing ourselves through the medium of writing is what allows us to be the person we want to be, then writing is what we need to do. The Artist’s Journey is about showing up in the world and using that special thing that motivates you to be creative or productive.
Think of it like this… the first half of our lives we are creating a vessel to be filled, and in the second — after we know what it takes to live with purpose and find fulfillment in our actions — we fill the vessel.
Both journey’s are of equal challenge and importance, but the sooner we can build our vessel, the sooner we can live with purpose.
256. the longest journey
The longest journey any of us will have to take is one from our mind to our heart. From letting our thoughts be our guide, to what we feel to be true inside.
It’s coming to the realization that what is going on in our head is often influenced by the voices and opinions we surround ourselves with. It’s understanding that in our need to fit in, to be a part of something, to belong, we often compromise who we are and what we truly want.
The conflict that arrises between our thoughts and feelings should cause us to pause and ask ourselves if what we are about to do is truly the right thing for us. The sooner we can align our actions with our true feelings, the sooner we can live a life guided by our heart.
207. the dizziness of freedom
One of the scariest parts about embarking on a new journey is not knowing where it may take us. We hope for the best, while at the same time harbor anxiety about what is to come of our decisions; no matter whether it’s a new dietary regimen, a new career or a new relationship. And while each situation can be promising, they still come with a bit of unease, which Kierkegaard cleverly surmises this anxiety as “the dizziness of freedom.”
The dizziness doesn’t come from fear of failure, so much as it is about the unknown of what lies ahead. The freedom to look down that new path, with no end in sight, is akin to peering into a deep hole where the bottom can’t be seen. The anxiety you feel is not from fear of falling, because you are freely holding onto the safety rail, but from the mystery of the void.
The freedom we possess to make our own choices will always be met with a bit of anxiety because we are always worried about the unknown, even if that path we’re staring down is exactly where we want to be. But, that unknown is part of our journey, what creates our story, and pushes the evolution of us. As long as that path we set out on is inline with who we want to become, we don’t really need to see the end because we will be able to create it as we go.
199. glued together
We are a collection of experiences. Assembled to the best of our ability. All our decisions, both good and bad, continually make us who we are. From the situations we thrive in, to the ones we barely survive; all are equally part of our story. As Joseph LeDoux puts it, “people don’t come preassembled but are glued together by life.”
Too often we are ashamed of where we came from, or where we currently are in life, but what we don’t realize is that these are just waypoints on our journey. We are always in the process of finding out who we are, and what we need to do to become the next version of ourselves. We needed the lessons of the hard times, the failures, the heartbreaks, to open up our hearts and minds to new possibilities.
No matter your station in life, you will always be a work in progress. The sooner you recognize this fact, the sooner you can embrace all experiences, good and bad, as part of the continual process of what makes you, You.
197. don’t get lost
Don’t get lost in the vehicle on your way to the destination.
Our vehicle is the profession, or path, we take in hopes that it will deliver us to the destination we seek — one of happiness, family, health, love, or wealth.
We choose a profession with the intention of making enough money to afford a life we desire. It’s a necessary evil. We need one to get to the other, but sometimes we get so caught up in the 9 to 5 grind, and lost in what life is meant to be that we lose sight of why we started this whole process to begin with, inevitably allowing our profession to become self-fulfilling, instead of letting it lead to the true fulfillment we’re after.
In other words, the vehicle has become the destination. We’ve made the mistake of defining our lives as “what we do,” instead of what we’re after.
148. passions change, purpose endures
Most often we let our passions direct our path in life. We jump from one to another, mistakenly thinking the next one will surely be what we’re after, without realizing that passions will always come and go. Continually letting momentary desires dictate our path through life can be a fun existence, yet will inevitably fail to provide us with a life of purpose, which is where the focus needs to be.
Yet, in a world that changes as often as our passionate pursuits, how can you discover your purpose? You do so by discovering what is changeless about you. If one week you’re passionate about painting, the next about photography, and the week after that you’re into writing, perhaps your purpose is to express yourself creatively. Finding purpose isn’t simply something you stumble upon, it is something you have to uncover by putting the pieces together. It’s an inward journey, instead of an outward pursuit.
Passion and purpose are altogether different. There’s nothing wrong with exploring a passion as long as it provides insight to what gives us purpose. We’ll have many different passions throughout our lifetime, but purpose will never change. The sooner we can uncover what truly drives us, the sooner we can live a fulfilling life.
119. revisions
We come into this world as one thing and leave it as another. The time we’re granted in between can be described as our journey. A finite amount of time to figure out how to leave our mark on the world. We have ideas, expectations, and interests we hope to fulfill, but as in any great story, they’re all challenged by the tensions of an ever changing world.
Where we thought we would be at any given point in our lives doesn’t always match the reality that the world doesn’t always work the way we expect it to. It pushes us to overcome obstacles, by going through or around them. These roadblocks can certainly discourage our progress, yet it is in the moments of tension, or conflict, or hardship that allow us to discover who we are and what we can become.
We either figure out how to make the thing we’re after work for us, or change directions and create a new path. Neither is inherently right or wrong. Evolving, or becoming a better version of ourselves, is a never ending process, it takes hard work — including failure, adversity, and heartbreak — and so many revisions from the original idea of who we thought we would become that sometimes where we end up is barely recognizable to where we thought we would be. And that’s not a bad thing, so just keep making your revisions.
110. what am I measuring against
The moment you find yourself discouraged about where you are in your journey, it’s important to stop and ask, “what am I measuring against?” Most likely, it’s against your version of ideal. That far off place, just over the horizon. But just like the horizon, you’ll never be able to catch it. It’s unattainable, as it will always remain ahead of you. It’s important to let that far off point serve as a guide, not as a comparison.
When you realize the horizon exists as a guide for your potential and not a place where happiness resides, you should ask yourself, “where did I come from?” And at that moment, you can turn around to look how far you’ve come from the point where you started. All the changes, failures, adjustments, and hardships brought you to the point where you stand today — far closer to the horizon than where you used to be, but still so much more you’ll be able to achieve. So, if you’re disappointed with the progress of your journey, remember to look in the direction that allows you to see how far you’ve come and not how far you need to go.
conflict leads to resolution
Conflict is necessary for growth. without it you will never be able to find resolution. Whether emotional, monetary, physical, or anything else you’re confronted with, conflict acts as the universe’s way of revealing you to yourself. It acts as a mirror to show you that your current path isn’t working. When you love someone but they break your heart, or you find yourself overweight to the point that you do not fit into something that you should. That is conflict. No amount of information, or glaring signs along the way can bring you to the realization that something needs to change quite like a moment of conflict. It’s painful, but necessary.
Coming to a realization is the most painful part of the process. It’s why most people fail to progress because it’s hard to look at who you are, all you identify with, and tell yourself you need to be someone new, or be with someone else. We all wish it were easy. We all want the “happily ever after” without the pain of being confronted with conflicts, but it needs to happen. You need to feel the heartache. You need to see experience the discomfort. Only then will you be shaken out of your paralysis of complacency.
Think about a fairytale that goes like this… There’s a fabulous kindle with the most beautiful princess and handsome prince who decided to get married and live happily ever after. These people would make the absolute fucking worst dinner guests. How could anyone relate?!
Conflict brings awareness to our transgressions, and leads to our eventual resolution. It’s a necessary part of everyone’s journey in life, love, and health. When we think back, never do we regret a moment of conflict. Instead we embrace it as a turning point in our life that allowed us to take the first steps of who we can be. Don’t waste your moments. Use them to find a better life for yourself.
Fit for someone else's world
When you popped out, you were unique. Not too long after the world was telling you that you needed to fit in, to live life a certain way, and then it started giving you instructions.
You were taught to be a replaceable cog in a giant machine. You were taught to consume as a shortcut to happiness. You were taught to accept the marketing pitch as a path toward greater health. And you were taught to be conform, even if it went against your inner narrative.
You chose a school to grant you the best access to this world. On the placard mounted near the entrance of your University, it read: “WE TRAIN THE FACTORY WORKERS OF TOMORROW WE TEACH THE POWER OF CONSUMPTION AS AN AID FOR SOCIAL APPROVAL. AND OUR GRADUATES ARE VERY GOOD AT FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS IN PROMOTION OF THE STATUS QUO.”
You passed on the school that promised: “To teach people to take responsibility and the initiative to become remarkably artistic individuals, to question the status quo, to interact with transparency, to innovate toward a world they desire, and to develop a life built upon the fulfillment of both body and mind. alike.”
You did exactly what the world told you to do. You gave up on the responsibility of creating a life you wanted, and instead took the path of least resistance, worn with hubris and promise, to arrive at the same place you started. Wondering when you can start the life you really want.
It is easier to follow the worn path than to make your own. Taking the path of least resistance absolves you from the personal responsibility of creating your own journey. Just don’t be surprised that, when you arrive at the destination of someone else’s map, you find what someone else was looking for.