236. change your language
If the story you continue to tell yourself doesn’t line up with the actions you take then you need to change the things you say.
Either change your language, or change your message.
There’s no reason to continue to talk about how you want to lose weight, but continue the bad habits that caused you to gain the weight in the first place.
There’s no reason to continue to talk about how you don’t like the job you’re in, but refuse to put effort into updating your resume to see what can come of it.
There’s no reason to continue to talk about how you wish you could find the time to read more, but all the free time you have is spent on social media or in front of the television.
Maybe the things you say you want aren’t as important as you think they are. And that’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up trying to fit in a narrative that doesn’t work for you. If you are continuing to fall short on what you tell yourself, take note. There’s a good chance that that story, at least in how you’re currently telling it, isn’t in line with what really needs to happen.
Here’s a personal example… A goal of mine is to be successful and make money simply for being me. I thought that meant I had to build a business around my personality. I kept telling myself over and over, this is how I have to do it, but failed every time. I just don’t care enough about marketing or social media to be “that guy.” So, I changed the way I looked at it all. Instead of saying “I need to be a brand,” I change the language to “I want the freedom to do what I love.” That seemed to make all the difference in the world because I found a place that lets me be me, and they pay me well for it. I have endless potential to grow and create, which is all I wanted from the beginning. But if I stuck to the language that kept failing me, I wouldn’t have found the success that I have now.
226. “alive”
Ever since I was little, I remember people asking me the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Publicly, I would always answer with some random profession to satisfy the curiosity of whoever it was that asked, as if that’s all this life is supposed to be about. But on my own, in private, when I really took the time to think about it, I’d answer… “when I grow up, I want to be alive.”
Looking back, I’m sure if I voiced that desire many people would think of me as morbid or pessimistic, and try to throw me in therapy, however I never saw it that way. It was more about being present and experiencing the world whenever that far off time of “grown up” decided to arrive. Regardless, the sentiment served me well to get through the next stage of my life.
At one point, I was so riddled with depression and sadness that I no longer wanted to exist. Revisiting the question from time to time, always returned the same answer. Being “alive” always sounded great. And with years of suicidal thoughts, being “alive” was a great goal to shoot for.
Obviously, I made it through those times, tough as they were, and on to the other side of that stage of my life, yet the question still remains… “what do I want to be when I grow up?” I still can’t come up with a better answer to that question than to be “alive.” However, the context is different now. It’s more than the literal — breathing, eating, moving, existing in this world; “alive” — and more the metaphorical “alive” that can only be realized through finding something that lights a fire inside you like finding Love, or Purpose, or Passion, or something along those lines.
I discovered fire. I was lucky enough to have found someone that allowed me to feel “alive” in the experience I shared with her. She opened me up to see the world differently. To see myself differently. “Alive,” no longer meant just existing within the world, it shifted toward wanting to build a new one. Together with her, and for her. Being “alive” became synonymous with the Love and happiness I felt toward this person. It was transformational. I never knew how good things could feel until I found someone whose peaks matched my valleys so exactly. We fit so amazingly well. The polarity was magnetizing. Everything came easy; the words, the passion, the intimacy, the connection, the chemistry. All the feelings and emotions that romance novels and great love stories are made of. The most incredible part is that every bond we connected on, every emotion we shared only grew stronger with the time we spent together. It was fucking amazing when we were together. Truly magic, if even for a moment.
This past year has been the most transformative time in my life. It’s a combination of figuring out how love is supposed to feel, and discovering who I am supposed to be. It’s provided me with a new interpretation of what being “alive” can mean. I’ve never felt more “me” than I do right now. I’ve never felt more alive.
Over the course of my life I’ve returned, again and again, to the question… “what do I want to do when I grow up?” And, I cannot think of a better answer than to be “alive.” However, with each stage of my life it’s taken on new meaning. From my youngest years of simply wanting to grow up. To my darker years of not wanting to die. To the present interpretation of equating “aliveness” (is that a word!?) with finding, experiencing, and expressing Love. The language has always remained the same, but with new experiences, came new meaning.
So, while I’ve answered the question the same way throughout the entirety of my life, the meaning has consistently changed. And I’m okay with that. We should never be too rigid, or strict on the words we use to define our life. They are meant to change, as are we and the words we use. Any introduction to a new experience opens us up to use our language in a new way. New context can change old content. We should always look for new meaning in how we tell our story. The context can change everything. It can light our world on fire, or burn it down. It’s all in the meaning and how we choose to see things.
I hope we all find someone or something that makes us feel “alive.”