332. crumbling is not an instant’s act
Most of the time people forget the lessons that historians and leaders would like us to remember. Whether it’s a natural disaster or a pandemic, each enter our collective consciousness as they arise, seemingly out of nowhere. Novel as they seem in the moment, they are often remnants of unresolved themes of the past we continuously fail to learn from and correct. We think this time it’s different, forgetting that even though history doesn’t repeat itself, it does rhyme.
After a flood washes out huge sections of oceanfront property, people rebuild their lives on the same spot. After this pandemic, it’s likely, people will go back to their old habits of taking their health for granted. Unfortunately, we have a culture that doesn’t remember because they’re blasted with a story that says this time it’s different, backed by a media portrayal that exacerbates a narrative that our way of life was right all along, while disregarding any clues that may have shown up along the way.
There’s a poem by Emily Dickinson called Crumbling is not an instant’s Act which shows things need to build before they can happen. It reads:
Crumbling is not an instant's Act
A fundamental pause
Dilapidation's processes
Are organized Decays.
'Tis first a Cobweb on the Soul
A Cuticle of Dust
A Borer in the Axis
An Elemental Rust—
Ruin is formal—Devil's work
Consecutive and slow—
Fail in an instant, no man did
Slipping—is Crash's law.
The emphasis on Crumbling is not an instant’s Act and Slipping—is Crash’s law is mine, as I think it poetically illustrates that things don’t simply happen out of nowhere, they take time. The bottom doesn’t just drop out, things have to creak, weaken and give way. It’s our choice to look the other way when we hear the squeaks. It’s our choice to be consumed by the nonsense of telling us not to pay attention to the clues. It’s our choice to be coerced into a false sense of confidence that is perpetrated by popular narrative, saying we are on the right path. But are we really?
We’re continuously assured that this time it’s different. This time it came out of nowhere. No one could have known. The voices of popular media seek to placate our worries by reaffirming our way of life is the correct one, yet, if that were true we would learn from our past. Instead we confidently walk toward a cliff, ignoring the signposts along the way that warn us of the upcoming drop. Then we’re surprised when we eventually walk off the edge.
So how do we change? If getting us to learn from our past doesn’t work because we’re too busy wrapped up in the now, lost in the blatantly false narrative of going the right direction, then how do we keep from repeating our past failures? Generally, the way people change their mind and thus correct their path isn’t because of a single lesson, it’s through a tumbling of dominos. It’s the same principle Dickinson reaches for with Crash’s Law. It’s a gradual shift. Built with awareness over time, until a crescendo eventually happens one way or the other. We either learn, or repeat our same mistakes.
The problem comes with who is controlling the information we’re receiving, the narrative, the ideas being sold because they’re all going to influence the questions we ask and the actions we take. The best way to create positive change to our situation is to become aware of what is going on around you. Look for the signposts. Each one is a domino falling. New information leads to new thoughts, which leads to new questions that evolve into new actions. There’s no fall without warnings of a cliff ahead.
330. be curious
Be curious, not consumed. There is no competitive edge to consuming the same stuff as everyone else. While the endless bombardment of media messages have no real power over what we think, they definitely do influence what we think about. And in this world of commotion, where competition for attention is everywhere, it is silence that offers us what we’ve been after all along — a way to make sense of the world. So, turn off. Go silent. Focus. Let your curiosities dictate your moves, instead of what is being sold as the popular idea. Search through different and competing sources. Explore new ideas and methodologies. Connect the dots that make that most sense and develop a new way to look at the world because if you don’t do it for yourself someone will do it for you.
324. adrift
we’re all lost in the deep
fighting against the tide
that our monsters intend to keep.
adrift,
in a sea of confliction
we search in order to be found.
reaching,
for any connection, allowing us
to find our feet on solid ground.
it’s said, that anxiety
is quickly quelled by action.
and it’s known that grasping
makes finding easy.
yet, if we aren’t careful
our fear will anchor us into reaction.
—————————
We’re lost in an ocean of opinion, not knowing where to look for the right answers. Much of the time, information is merely opinion, backed up only by what fortifies the accepted narrative. This is as true for the way we talk to ourselves about if we are worthy of that raise, as the way the news intends to inform us.
We are what we pay attention to. The ideas that we consume — about ourselves and the world at large — are what create the world we see. If we are fearful and looking for answers, we will grasp at the closest thing that makes sense to us. Unfortunately, the closest thing (or idea) isn’t always the right answer. You thinking you didn’t get that date because you weren’t enough, is an idea you believe because it fits your narrative about yourself. You thinking the sky is falling because the news continues to tell you so is an idea you believe because it fits the narrative that is being reinforced.
It’s not until we stop listening to the things that only serve to keep us down, and start recreating how we interact with this world, will we be able to approach life with a sense of conscious choice instead of continuing to react out of fear.
315. questions for change
Not starting something because we’re unsure of the result is a faulty mindset. We need to be willing to try different avenues to see what works best for us. Stop searching for a guarantee before you start. Instead, get clear about what you want and be willing to try out different ways to achieve it with intent, because if you do — if you try it on for size, you can figure out what fits best — as opposed to the opposite which is wasting time waiting for a guarantee, of which there are none.
When you want something different out of life, think about the following questions before you embark on your journey and maybe it can save you some time…
What is the change you seek to make? Are you here to do what you’re told or are you here to learn and improve yourself? Are you here to make a contribution with that change, or are you here only to take something for yourself? Answering questions honestly is difficult because it’s all about the stories we tell ourselves. So, if we can figure out how to tell ourselves a different story, then we may be able to create a different life. One that is not only beneficial to who we wish to become, but those whose lives we touch as well. Some people wake up in the morning and think “how can I double my worth,” while other people think, “how can I help the homeless guy on the corner.” These are two totally different kinds of change we seek to make in the world, but both are change. It comes down to being honest with who you want to be.
What possibility do you see? People have been indoctrinated since birth to either believe they are entitled or not, special or not, that they possess the ability to make a difference or not. So, the question may be better asked as to whether or not you see possibility in the change you seek to make? Likely if you are confident enough to try, then it’s a yes. On the flip side to that is learning to see the world as it is. It’s easy to think we get to make the world the way we want it to be, but we don’t. And that can be hard. The world is the way it is. Learning to see that reality is critical and it changes our view on what is really possible for us. If no one has ever done the thing you wish to accomplish, then you might be deluding yourself, whereas if there is a well-trodden path you seek to go down, then you might be able to follow it and add your flavor. This isn’t to say that, if it hasn’t been done before, don’t bother, but to be mindful not to travel too far down a road to nowhere. Millions of people have studied the stock market, yet most of them weren’t able to turn into Warren Buffet. Millions of people have read how to get in shape, but most of them weren’t able to transform their body into what they had initially envisioned. Part of it is discipline, part of it is seeing possibility, part of it is deciding what kind of journey you want to go on over the next year or even decade and how you approach it. But none of it is for lack of available information.
How much emotional labor are you willing and able to expend to accomplish the thing you wish to do? Whatever the goal, it may seem simple at first, but you quickly realize that there is a difference between simple and easy. Losing weight is relatively simple, however its execution is much more laborious than most people are willing to endure. Change isn’t easy because it requires us to dismantle old ways of thought and stories that have run our lives for years, and try new ones to see which ones stick so that we can get the end result we want. It’s really about being comfortable with incompetence on your way to getting better.
314. choosing the ones we do
We all want to lead enjoyable lives with people who set our soul on fire. Yet, much of the time we trade the attributes we’re most passionate about for the security or stability of something less fulfilling — be it financial or otherwise. And while that isn’t necessarily wrong, is it right to give up on something that can make you feel better than anything else, just to feel comfortable in a relationship that isn’t truly fulfilling you? I would say no, for the simple fact that stifling your needs will never allow you to recognize your true potential as an individual and impact the world in the most meaningful way. Finding someone who can light your soul on fire provides inspiration, whereas settling for security leaves you longing for the things that can make you whole. But, I don’t speak for everybody and ultimately, it is circumstances that dictate our narratives and the reasoning behind why we inevitably choose the relationships we do.
So, while it is admirable that certain people can slough off the need for security to follow their heart, it is a bit conceited to think that those who don’t are any less. At the end of the day, we all make decisions that are right for us in the moment. Security may be what some people need to develop into the person that chases their passion in the future; alternatively, aligning with someone who inspires you into action may be the best way to feel secure and achieve the life you’re after. We’re all different. Some of us will have our hearts broken, becoming casualties in the wake of another’s transformation, but if we’re lucky we’ll find the right person, at the right time, who chooses to walk the same path and wants to share in co-creating a narrative together.
274. every choice comes with exclusion
Every choice comes with exclusion. Our ability to choose is valuable, in that it gives us the power to create our story. We weigh our options, then choose the best one for us in the moment. Sometimes the choices can be made fairly easily, other times they can be devastatingly hard. In either case, there is always a loss to endure. We inevitably have to give up on one narrative to allow for a chance at another to grow.
269. positive or negative
Fundamentally, I like to think things happen for a reason. But more importantly, when they do, I like to frame those events around a narrative that serves me, rather than becoming trapped in any initial reaction to the experience I’m having. This is definitely easier when the things that happen are positive, rather than negative. Yet, no matter whether they’re classified as “positive” or “negative”, they aren’t facts, but meanings I’ve attached.
The meaning I place on past events, play a large part in how I see the future unfolding. If I got a job, only to lose it, or fell in love only to have it disappear, it’s easy to attach negativity toward these things. However, if in that job, I learned new things that made me better at what I do, I can carry that toward my next position and have greater success; likewise, if falling in love unlocked a part of me that had previously been unknown, it doesn’t disappear, I get to keep it and express it in my next relationship. Everything can build upon it self if we let it.
I think that changing how we view things that happen to us is essential to upgrading our identity, how we see ourselves in the present, and who we can eventually build ourselves to be in the future. And it all starts with the way we relate to, and construct the narrative of our past.
267. flip the script
Most of us are so immersed in our concept of the world, so unconscious of the narrative we have constructed for ourselves, that we aren’t aware it’s just a script continuously running through our minds. We believe our script is a representation of “us” or our “true selves,” but in reality, it is just our thoughts. We feel so strongly about their truth because we practice these thoughts and ideas all day long, reinforcing their assimilation into our identity with each passing day.
It’s not obvious — until it’s pointed out — that we are not our thoughts, but we practice them so much that we start to identify with their meaning. We practice them from the time we get up in the morning, to the time we go to bed in the evening. And they’re even reinforced in our dreams as we sleep. We practice our thoughts so consistently, and for so long, that we get to the point where we aren’t even aware we are practicing them. We label these thoughts as “us,” but they’re not — they’re just something we’re thinking.
It’s important to understand that we are the thinker of our thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. A lot of the time, the thoughts and ideas that have defined who we are and how we approach the world are simply remnants of a past experience that is no longer serving us. Pay attention to the thoughts that come up automatically, you’re bound to realize that many of them are just part of the script you’ve been running forever.
251. fitting in
Where would we be if we worried more about what our future-selves thought about the decisions we make on a daily basis, than the people we currently surround ourselves with? When we’re young, we worry about how we’re perceived by everyone around us. We often make decisions that aren’t in line with who we truly are, instead making those decisions that best fit the narrative we want to fit into. But after a while, we figure out that making decisions based on how we’re perceived by others isn’t the best way to create a life we want to live. At a certain point, we need the courage to stray from the pack we’ve been running with to have a chance to build a life that makes us happy or at least gives us a chance at that happiness.
Part of growing up is separating ourselves from who we thought we were supposed to be — someone defined by the people we surround ourselves with — and the person we need to become — someone defined by making decisions that best align with the future we want to create. The more we struggle and fight who we are, by making decisions that try to fit our lives into a framework that our social group deemed “acceptable,” the less happy and fulfilling our lives will be.
Make decisions based on who you truly want to be, not who you want to impress or fit in with. Sooner or later you’ll realize that the people you were trying to impress weren’t really even paying attention to begin with.
246. what are you unwilling to feel?
What are you unwilling to feel? What are you unwilling to sit with? Whatever it is, that is the thing you need to pay attention to.
Many of our behaviors, thoughts, and habits are established to mask or override the things we don’t want to feel. Bad habits may be bad, but they certainly feel easier to deal with than the pain of reliving and working through a past trauma. In our effort to avoid facing our pain, we inevitably create more dis-ease with the behaviors we use to cover up or distract ourselves from the things we don’t want to feel.
So when you find yourself alone looking for a way to distract yourself from certain thoughts creeping in your mind, pause and reflect on where they’re coming from, and why you want soo badly to disassociate from them. It’s going to be tough, but it’s a necessary first step in a long process of dealing with the underlying issues that have a certain power over our lives and the path we walk.
245. training or education
Training and education are entirely different things. Yet, are conflated into the same meaning and used interchangeably.
Rich Diviney states in his book called Attributes that, “training is about learning and practicing specific skills; education is about broadening knowledge, developing beliefs and values, gaining experience.” This isn’t a subtle difference, which can be illustrated by the strangeness of hearing someone say “I’m going to educate my dog today.” WTF!? The statement doesn’t work because we don’t educate dogs, we train them. We teach our “good boy” to sit, stay, or shake. We don’t expect him to understand the how or why of the environment or situation in which we might ask him to do those things. A “good boy” does what we ask, without fail.
Often times when we’re looking to achieve a specific goal, we aren’t interested in being educated so much as trained to reach a particular outcome. While it’s great that we can take orders and achieve our goal with the help of another, it leaves our future results in jeopardy. Yes, finding someone to assist you on your journey is key, but you’ll never find your own results if you are reliant on the commands of another. Take the time you have with your mentor, coach, trainer, parents or whoever you look up to to ask the questions that allow you to take the lead in achieving your outcomes. If you don’t you’ll never be the hero of your story, you’ll just be a part of someone else’s.
244. broaden your horizons
We tend to lose our imagination as we get older. Or maybe we trade it in for our increasing level of priorities or our increasingly limited bandwidth. Either way, it gets continuously harder to imagine a future we want than to remember a past we’ve lived through. So that past becomes a guide for our decisions, instead of the opposite. Making it through the day becomes the goal, rather than envisioning new horizons. This serves us to the point that it allows us to “fly” on autopilot through our day — and if we aren’t careful, even our life — by completing tasks and getting things done, but ultimately falls short on improving that life.
We’ve become less creative and imaginative as we age, and consequently more fixed and dogmatic in the narrative we allow ourselves to live by. And while this can be a way of life, it is certainly not a way to live.
226. “alive”
Ever since I was little, I remember people asking me the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Publicly, I would always answer with some random profession to satisfy the curiosity of whoever it was that asked, as if that’s all this life is supposed to be about. But on my own, in private, when I really took the time to think about it, I’d answer… “when I grow up, I want to be alive.”
Looking back, I’m sure if I voiced that desire many people would think of me as morbid or pessimistic, and try to throw me in therapy, however I never saw it that way. It was more about being present and experiencing the world whenever that far off time of “grown up” decided to arrive. Regardless, the sentiment served me well to get through the next stage of my life.
At one point, I was so riddled with depression and sadness that I no longer wanted to exist. Revisiting the question from time to time, always returned the same answer. Being “alive” always sounded great. And with years of suicidal thoughts, being “alive” was a great goal to shoot for.
Obviously, I made it through those times, tough as they were, and on to the other side of that stage of my life, yet the question still remains… “what do I want to be when I grow up?” I still can’t come up with a better answer to that question than to be “alive.” However, the context is different now. It’s more than the literal — breathing, eating, moving, existing in this world; “alive” — and more the metaphorical “alive” that can only be realized through finding something that lights a fire inside you like finding Love, or Purpose, or Passion, or something along those lines.
I discovered fire. I was lucky enough to have found someone that allowed me to feel “alive” in the experience I shared with her. She opened me up to see the world differently. To see myself differently. “Alive,” no longer meant just existing within the world, it shifted toward wanting to build a new one. Together with her, and for her. Being “alive” became synonymous with the Love and happiness I felt toward this person. It was transformational. I never knew how good things could feel until I found someone whose peaks matched my valleys so exactly. We fit so amazingly well. The polarity was magnetizing. Everything came easy; the words, the passion, the intimacy, the connection, the chemistry. All the feelings and emotions that romance novels and great love stories are made of. The most incredible part is that every bond we connected on, every emotion we shared only grew stronger with the time we spent together. It was fucking amazing when we were together. Truly magic, if even for a moment.
This past year has been the most transformative time in my life. It’s a combination of figuring out how love is supposed to feel, and discovering who I am supposed to be. It’s provided me with a new interpretation of what being “alive” can mean. I’ve never felt more “me” than I do right now. I’ve never felt more alive.
Over the course of my life I’ve returned, again and again, to the question… “what do I want to do when I grow up?” And, I cannot think of a better answer than to be “alive.” However, with each stage of my life it’s taken on new meaning. From my youngest years of simply wanting to grow up. To my darker years of not wanting to die. To the present interpretation of equating “aliveness” (is that a word!?) with finding, experiencing, and expressing Love. The language has always remained the same, but with new experiences, came new meaning.
So, while I’ve answered the question the same way throughout the entirety of my life, the meaning has consistently changed. And I’m okay with that. We should never be too rigid, or strict on the words we use to define our life. They are meant to change, as are we and the words we use. Any introduction to a new experience opens us up to use our language in a new way. New context can change old content. We should always look for new meaning in how we tell our story. The context can change everything. It can light our world on fire, or burn it down. It’s all in the meaning and how we choose to see things.
I hope we all find someone or something that makes us feel “alive.”
our thoughts are no longer our own
Interesting ideas from the book Hardwired: How Our Instincts to Be Healthy are Making Us Sick by Robert S. Barrett
Not even our thoughts are our own anymore…
So powerful is our desire for social relevance that many of us follow the crowd and adopt their identity simply due to an eagerness to belong — this is a powerful theme with modern social media. We quickly adopt the narrative of the groups we want to fit into, hoping they will accept us, even if the decision to do so is completely irrational.* This effort to conform is known as Normative Influence, which results in conformity for the sole sake of belonging. Because we are all lost in autonomy, we are willing to bend our narrative just for a chance to fit in.
The modern world has magnified the appeal for belonging. Studies into normative social influence demonstrate that conformity is much stronger in public than in private, and because our lives are increasingly public, we tilt more and more to what we find will make us the most acceptable. From posting photos online, to uploading our children’s birthday party videos, to taking selfies at work, we are subtly shifting our true voice or story to fit the greater narrative we wish to be a part of.
In the famous Asch conformity experiments, when subjects were able to write their answers down anonymously, as opposed to stating them in front of the group, they were honest nearly all the time, unencumbered by the social pressures to conform to the group narrative.
Popular social media apps are rendering our private sphere public, and for many of us, conformity with online social media trends means greater peer acceptance. Conforming to group norms and attitudes are a hardwired trait, as we all want to belong. In one study, when teens and college students were shown social media images while in an fMRI, the images that elicited the greatest response in the brain’s reward center were the ones that had the most likes by others.** This suggests that we are not entirely free-thinkers when it comes to stating what we like or dislike any longer, but are subconsciously seeking to follow the trends of the group so that we don’t get left behind.
222. what’s past is prologue
You get to be the narrator of your life’s story. There’s no rule that says you must be defined by your past. It doesn’t matter who you were, in only matters who you want to become. Don’t fall into the trap of using your past as an excuse that keeps you stuck in habits, attitudes, relationships, and situations that prevent you from growing. Take responsibility for the life you have. If it’s not what you want, then change the way you relate to your story. Base your identity and internal narrative on your future, not your past.
218. expectations
It’s our own expectations that hurt us, not the reality we’re faced with. Whatever we think should happen for us isn’t real, but exists as a projection of what we want our world to look like. When things don’t go our way, it’s easy to feel like a victim, but the thing is that if we allow ourselves to fall to that level of thinking, we lose all our power to effectively change the situation moving forward.
We are not separate from the problems we encounter, we are part of them. Our experience is based on our perception. Any expectations we place on outcomes is of our doing. The sooner we can accept the responsibility that our expectations are under our control, the sooner we can positively adjust to the consequences.
Our power lies within our approach. We can never know the outcome of a certain situation, so being tied to any particular outcome can never prepare us to rise to the occasion.
217. commitment
Commitment is a statement of what “is.” It’s an honest assessment of your true desire.
You know what you’re committed to, by the results of your actions, not by what you say your commitments are.
If you simply say you’re committed to a result, it’s easy to come up with stories, excuses and reasons why the circumstances aren’t in favor of delivering you to the outcome you say you want. Whereas, if you’re truly committed, none of those things cross your mind. Your inner narrative is reflective of your true desires and you do whatever it takes.
Be aware of your response to any conflict that arrises along the way to your stated commitments. Are they excuses that keep you from getting a result? Or, are they just obstacles along your path to the inevitable outcome you’re working toward? There is a distinctive difference. One being the stated, the other being the true. The sooner you can be honest with yourself about your commitments, the sooner you can take the action necessary to finally get what you desire.
213. wake up with purpose…
At one point or another we’ve all found ourselves headed down a path we thought we were supposed to be on, whether through social pressures or what seemed like the best route to deliver a result we were after. All the while we having to continually convince ourselves to do the work necessary, instead of waking up and enjoying the process. Why is that? Perhaps, it’s the wrong path. But how do you know?
If you’re walking around continuing to do things because you feel you should, instead of finding enjoyment in them because you get to do them, then the narrative you’re following is no longer yours. Your purpose has been coopted by outside forces and is probably the reason you have to convince yourself to do certain things, or make certain decisions.
There’s a difference between saying, “I should” do something, and “I get to” do something.” If you keep saying you “should” do something, it’s a good indication that whatever it is, isn’t aligned with what you’re truly after; and you need to ask why you have to force yourself down this particular path. Whereas, if you wake up every morning, saying “I get to” do this or that (like read, write, workout, go to work, or see someone), then you can feel confident you’re on the right path.
We’re all going to find more success if we follow the path directed by the things we “get to do” instead of relying on the things we “should be doing” to deliver us to a result. One pulls us in, inspires us to do more, while the other only pushes us toward a specific end, where once achieved, we can finally explore what we actually want. So, why wait? Listen to the words you use to describe your actions. Are they, “I get to” do this,” or “I should do that?”
211. thoughts that don’t go away
When we continue to have thoughts or emotions arise within us that don’t match the narrative we’ve laid out for ourselves, it’s important that we pay attention to them. They’re showing up for a reason. It’s a signal from our unconscious mind that there is something in conflict with the path we’re walking. Maybe we’re going the wrong way, or on the wrong path altogether. Don’t ignore them. Bring awareness to these thoughts and emotions. Identify what situations or experiences cause them to come about and consciously take the time to understand their presence.
Often times we continue down a path simply because we’ve been on it for so long; confusing “right” with familiar. All the while dismissing those thoughts and feelings as just part of the process of getting where we think we want to go, without realizing they may be trying to tell us something. Don’t discount their appearance. Call attention to them, otherwise we may find ourselves continuing down the wrong path for the wrong reasons.
210. avoiding death
Death is inextricably connected to being alive, and yet, everyone is desperately trying to avoid it. Those who hold on to their identity the tightest, are the ones that become the most rigid in life — whether ideologically, emotionally, or spiritually. As they grow they become stubborn in their opinions, becoming stuck with the burden of being right, refusing certain ideas or ways of life that are no longer serving them die. All this becomes a reinforcement of a certain narrative that was unconsciously created as a reaction to external fears and threats of change, which stems from a mechanism to preserve a familiar identity they’ve created. And the reason they’re still walking the path of their own narrative wondering why they don’t find joy and connection in life.
If the things we’re telling ourselves aren’t delivering the results we want, then maybe we are listening to the wrong story.