328. empathy
We all claim to practice empathy, but simply saying “I feel your pain” isn’t empathetic, it’s just this generations equivalent of the old unhelpful bureaucrats who would say “Look, I sympathize with your situation, but there’s nothing I can do.” Unfortunately, we seem to be moving further away from the real practice of empathy as the former statement is so detached from action that there isn’t any use for the “but” as a bridge to the “there’s nothing I can do.” We all want our concerns to be heard, matched with feelings of equal concern, and ultimately alleviated. Yet, without real empathy there is no guarantee that any amount of listening to the problems of another will lead to a compassionate act. To paraphrase the essayist Leslie Jamison:
Empathy offers a dangerous sense of completion — thinking something has been done because something has been felt. Tempting us to feel virtuous because we’ve wandered into the ambiguous arena of trying to feel someone else’s pain. The peril of empathy isn’t that it can make us feel bad, but that it can make us feel good. which encourages us to think of empathy as an end in itself rather than a catalyst in a larger process of understanding.
Empathy, as I understand it, is the ability to feel what another is going through. It’s more than an understanding, it’s putting yourself in the situation of another to have a shared experience. Instead of imagining how someone else is feeling, try imagining how it would feel if this were happening to you. In an instant, you can be transported to the forefront of the problem at hand, and come face-to-face with the main point of empathy; that really feeling someones pain feels painful. When that happens, the “there’s nothing I can do” has a greater likelihood of transforming into “how can I help.”
296. outsourcing our needs
Too often we enter relationships for the wrong reasons. We’re either looking to be seen for something we can’t see in ourselves or to fill a void that is too painful to deal with on our own. But outsourcing our needs will never allow us to heal.
We all need to take responsibility for ourselves and our emotions by accepting that it is solely our job to feel the things we want to feel, instead of looking for a partner to give it to us. This means we should endeavor to be the source of our own fulfillment, peace, safety, validation, and stability. And if we feel we are lacking in any of these areas, it means we need to get started doing the work to figure out why the voids are there, so that we don’t make the mistake of trying to find someone else to fill them by entering a relationship.
When we understand that it is no one’s responsibility to complete us, other than our own, we can do the work and then approach life from a place of wholeness, instead of lack. This gives new life, and promise to any relationship we enter into because we’re no longer relying on our romantic partners to make us happy or take away our pain.
287. mistaking attachment for love
We often mistake attachment for love. A lot of the time our sense of self is not rooted in what we see in the mirror or feel inside, instead it’s the illusion that another person can fill a void and make us whole. So in the event that they leave, or the relationship ends, the ensuing heartbreak feels like devastation because we not only lost someone we cared about, we lost a part of what allowed us to show up in the world. But the thing is, if we lose ourselves in the process of losing another, it’s likely not love that is causing the pain, but attachment to another.
The grasping and clinging we go through as the relationship starts to crumble is thought to be a representation of the depth of love we feel for another, when in reality, it’s just an attachment to the idea of them. And the more we reach out and try to hold on to that idea, the more afraid we become in losing this person, which inevitably causes more suffering in the end.
Ultimately, we need to understand where our feelings come from. Attachment will always feel exponentially worse because when a person leaves, they take a piece of us with them; whereas if it’s love, it’s still going to hurt, but that pain is going to come from the loss of something beautifully shared, not a loss of a sense of self.
273. what caused the pain
Chances are we’re all going to get hurt at some point. To cope, we’ll go down different paths to find relief. In some cases it will create addictive behaviors or the reliance on a vice to the point where it raises concerns within the people who care about us the most. In response, those that care, make an effort to help by offering advice and support. And while well intentioned, attempts at inquiring about an addiction or trying to educate on the issues that a vice has been shown to cause is a mistake.
When we’re experiencing emotional pain, we’re looking to disassociate from what is causing it. We no longer want to be ourselves, so we seek escape, and unfortunately the routes we choose are often something worse. But the thing is, we’re all aware of the consequences, so it never becomes a matter of “let’s talk about the consequences of your addictive behavior.” It’s that the only escape from one sensation, is to search for a more extreme one that has the power to take us away and relieve the weight that is crushing us.
No amount of inquiry or education around the bad habits we’ve picked up as a coping mechanism will help us overcome them. What is needed is a genuine pursuit of why we resorted to the things we did. We need to stop asking about the addiction or vice, and start asking about what caused the pain. The only way we can help people heal from their bad habits is to understand how they started.
263. what gives light
If we seek to live a life that is only about pleasure, the moment it ceases to be fun or comfortable, we quit. However, if we can set aside our wish for immediate gratification by choosing to strive for something greater than can be delivered in a moment, we no longer have to fight the dis-ease or dis-comfort of the difficulties that may arise. Instead, we can accept what comes along as small sacrifices on our path toward a purposeful pursuit or a lasting love.
What give’s light, must endure the burning.
246. what are you unwilling to feel?
What are you unwilling to feel? What are you unwilling to sit with? Whatever it is, that is the thing you need to pay attention to.
Many of our behaviors, thoughts, and habits are established to mask or override the things we don’t want to feel. Bad habits may be bad, but they certainly feel easier to deal with than the pain of reliving and working through a past trauma. In our effort to avoid facing our pain, we inevitably create more dis-ease with the behaviors we use to cover up or distract ourselves from the things we don’t want to feel.
So when you find yourself alone looking for a way to distract yourself from certain thoughts creeping in your mind, pause and reflect on where they’re coming from, and why you want soo badly to disassociate from them. It’s going to be tough, but it’s a necessary first step in a long process of dealing with the underlying issues that have a certain power over our lives and the path we walk.
243. out of the corner
There are too many of us who suffer from being lonely. Not for lack of contact or social interaction, but because we aren’t free from our past trauma. We live in a world surrounded by people, yet exist alone, off in a corner with our thoughts. Unable to find the words to speak about the things we’ve gone through or things that have happened to us, we walk alone in a crowd. The only way to break free, to begin to heal ourselves and to grow is to not be scared of vulnerability. It’s okay to stumble over the articulation of our pain on our path to finding our truth. It is not going to be easy, but it is a necessary step toward healing, and perhaps the only thing that is going to bring us out of the corner.
240. pay attention to the tension
Life is the way it is. Always. And if you get upset about that, not only will life still be the way it is, but you’ll also be upset.
If getting upset were the precursor to transforming your life, then by all means you should walk around upset all day because it will totally transform your circumstance. But it doesn’t. However, it does reveal where you aren’t okay with something.
And that is the gift. To see where you are not okay. It shows where the focus needs to go to liberate you from the conflict that causes you to be upset. It’s life’s way of showing you that the situation you’re currently in, or certain things you’re experiencing are not in line with who you truly want to be.
Pay attention to the tension.
i just want to wake up with you
the world turned to bring us closer
it spun on itself and within us
and joined us together in this dream.
separated from reality, we fell for each other
in the twilight hours we explored
ourselves, our feelings, our future
You, and I, quickly became Us
in that transformation we grew together
broken in all the right places, we fit.
we were the completion of a circuit
setting each other free, to feel, to love
to see, to experience electricity.
it is all so real, but unrealized
as our love is left in the darkness of the night
and that’s the problem with dreams…
i just want to wake up with you.
229. don’t be afraid to love
No matter how many times we’ve been hurt, don’t be afraid to surrender to the feeling of love whenever it comes along because there isn’t a more transformative force in the universe. Always be open to its possibility. Yes, we may get hurt, and there’s never a guarantee we won’t. But it is in those moments where we choose to surrender, instead of hiding from the feeling for fear of a broken heart, that we are able to find the truest expression of ourselves. Too often in our effort to avoid heartbreak, we forget love isn’t the cause of our pain, it is the antidote.
173. painful guidance
When you’re in pain, whether it’s physical, emotional, spiritual, or psychological, acknowledge that within that pain lies the answer to the journey you’re on. The antidote you’re looking for exists within the pain. It’s there for a reason. It is meant to bring awareness to your current state, to bring you into the present moment.
We tend to recoil from pain, when we should be leaning into it. Pain is largely temporal, lasting only a few seconds. It has to keep recreating itself to be present any more than that, yet if it’s recreating itself, it’s there to bring attention to something within ourselves, our body or our mind. Its presence is what holds an old injury or unhealed trauma.
The foundation of those painful disruptions is the source, so let it guide you. Ask yourself; what is this pain? Where does it come from? What is the emotional memory emanating from this space? And then you know what to fix, who to forgive, or what relationship to mend. As you make progress and replace those negative feelings with love and gratitude, you will not only heal past traumas and remove the pain, but you will discover a new way of living.