337. letting go
For those who hang on to things forever, it’s important to realize that at a very fundamental level, our role as humans is to grow. And the only way for that to happen is by letting go of the people, ideas, habits, etc. that no longer serve us and the person we wish to be.
You may want to be loved by this person, or continue to practice a certain habit but it’s not the person or the habit that you want, it’s the result of those experiences we’re after. Holding on to things that no longer take us in the direction we want to go, only keeps us from arriving at the destination we want so badly.
Letting go provides us with the space to develop new relationships, learn new lessons, and create new opportunities so that we find the things we’re after. This isn’t to say that the process isn’t without heartache or strain, but it sometimes becomes a necessary part. Whenever we find the strength to let go, we open ourselves up to possibility — a place where we originally found the thing/s we current find ourselves having trouble living without — which is where we always find something new and wonderful within the space we created.
296. outsourcing our needs
Too often we enter relationships for the wrong reasons. We’re either looking to be seen for something we can’t see in ourselves or to fill a void that is too painful to deal with on our own. But outsourcing our needs will never allow us to heal.
We all need to take responsibility for ourselves and our emotions by accepting that it is solely our job to feel the things we want to feel, instead of looking for a partner to give it to us. This means we should endeavor to be the source of our own fulfillment, peace, safety, validation, and stability. And if we feel we are lacking in any of these areas, it means we need to get started doing the work to figure out why the voids are there, so that we don’t make the mistake of trying to find someone else to fill them by entering a relationship.
When we understand that it is no one’s responsibility to complete us, other than our own, we can do the work and then approach life from a place of wholeness, instead of lack. This gives new life, and promise to any relationship we enter into because we’re no longer relying on our romantic partners to make us happy or take away our pain.
276. authentic love
Something I’ve learned is that for a relationship to work, and more importantly have the potential to thrive, it can’t be used as a means to fill any voids or wounds caused by our past. If either participant is looking for rescue or validation through the love of another, the relationship isn’t going to work.
A healthy relationship is one that can provide a welcoming space for mutual evolution. This sentiment is, as Dr. Nicole LePera puts it, “the essence of authentic love.” She goes on to say that, “when two people allow each other the freedom and support to be fully seen, heard, and Self expressed, authentic love doesn’t feel like an emotional roller coaster; it feels like peace and an inner knowing that you are both choosing to show up from a place of mutual respect and admiration.”
Authentic love is one that feels more like home, than a drug. It definitely has the power to take you on a ride, but it’s not going to create dependence. Any high comes from the realization that life is better with this person, not because of them. It’s rooted in the awareness that this person isn’t there to fix you, heal you, or make up for all the traumas you’ve experienced in your past, but with this person around, sharing a life is much more enjoyable and because of this there is always an inspiration for continual growth, both independently and as a couple.
234. choosing another
How do you deal with someone you love choosing another over you? Well, if you really love that person, you will honor their choice because love doesn’t judge. It has no agenda. It just is.
All you can really do is think about the beautiful time you spent with that person, whether it was a week, a month, or a year. Find gratitude for the time you were able to experience that person and who you became because of that relationship, instead of feeling depression for the absence of them. Yes, it’s going to hurt for a time and that’s okay because you’re human. There are going to be painful waves of emotion, but after a while they will subside and when they do you will be ready for loves next swell to overtake you.
i just want to wake up with you
the world turned to bring us closer
it spun on itself and within us
and joined us together in this dream.
separated from reality, we fell for each other
in the twilight hours we explored
ourselves, our feelings, our future
You, and I, quickly became Us
in that transformation we grew together
broken in all the right places, we fit.
we were the completion of a circuit
setting each other free, to feel, to love
to see, to experience electricity.
it is all so real, but unrealized
as our love is left in the darkness of the night
and that’s the problem with dreams…
i just want to wake up with you.
229. don’t be afraid to love
No matter how many times we’ve been hurt, don’t be afraid to surrender to the feeling of love whenever it comes along because there isn’t a more transformative force in the universe. Always be open to its possibility. Yes, we may get hurt, and there’s never a guarantee we won’t. But it is in those moments where we choose to surrender, instead of hiding from the feeling for fear of a broken heart, that we are able to find the truest expression of ourselves. Too often in our effort to avoid heartbreak, we forget love isn’t the cause of our pain, it is the antidote.
227. you never know
You never know what is going to happen. As someone famous once said… “You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can’t predict the weather.” So, with that understanding, always be open to the situation you find yourself in. Approach the moments of wonder as equally as those of devastation.
Surrender to that which is unchangeable outside of you, and adapt what is within you. Have the presence of mind that nothing can ever really hurt you, as all our experiences are inherently “neutral.” It is our reaction to life’s events that determine how we move forward.
We can be grateful for how far we’ve come and the experiences we’ve had, or we can be tortured by the thoughts of what if. One will lead to a brighter tomorrow, while the other may keep us from it.
224. establishing relationships
When it comes to establishing a relationship, communication is key. It shouldn’t be a chore to talk to someone. There shouldn’t be a desire to avoid contact. And there shouldn’t be any need for posturing. Rather, you should feel completely free to be yourself, and ultimately who you want to become.
Whether it’s in the context of dating or securing a new business deal, you should always ask yourself, “how do I feel when I am interacting with this person?”
If you aren’t drawn to this person. If you don’t feel yourself around them. If you aren’t inspired by their presence. And if it isn’t easy to communicate, then the relationship is doomed to fail, regardless of how attractive or beneficial the relationship may seem.
To cultivate the right relationships, look for comfort in the connection. Finding people who remind you more of who you want to be will allow you to build a transformational relationship, where you and the other person can grow from one another. Whereas, if you have to force yourself to interact in order to commit to something, then the situation merely becomes transactional, and inevitably volatile.
So, when choosing people to surround yourself with, pick ones that make the process of growth easy, instead of chore.
222. what’s past is prologue
You get to be the narrator of your life’s story. There’s no rule that says you must be defined by your past. It doesn’t matter who you were, in only matters who you want to become. Don’t fall into the trap of using your past as an excuse that keeps you stuck in habits, attitudes, relationships, and situations that prevent you from growing. Take responsibility for the life you have. If it’s not what you want, then change the way you relate to your story. Base your identity and internal narrative on your future, not your past.
off topic: saying “i love you”
Saying, “I love you,” never came easy for me. Until it did. Why is that? My previous 2 relationships lasted a total of 15 years, and they had to pry those words out of my mouth. Looking back, I’m pretty confident it wasn’t love I was in, but denial that I had simply grown comfortable in a situation I didn’t want to leave. That’s not love, and it makes sense why the words never came easy. Fast forward to my most current relationship/situation (its complicated, I’ll write a novel about it one day)… I not only want to tell this person I love her, but I want to tell everyone else I love her, also. It’s as cute as it is ridiculous. So what’s the difference? Well, to be honest, I found someone who I want to make happy, whereas before I was looking for someone to make me happy. And that right there makes all-the-fucking-difference.
It’s rare to find someone you genuinely care enough about to break your own heart to let her go so that she can live the life she wants. It’s rare to find someone who inspires you to change your ways so profoundly that it causes you to see the world differently, and yet cannot imagine a world without her. It’s rare to find a person you truly and selflessly want to make happy. I think that’s why I love her, and I find it so very easy to say to her, “I love You.”
Find someone that makes the words come easy.
214. love or lust
The real differentiator between love and lust is how you feel when you’re with that other person. Shared between love and lust is the necessity of physical attraction, but unique to the experience of love, is that you genuinely like who you are when you’re with that other person. They’re able to reflect back onto you the person you enjoy being, or inspire to become. In either case, you like the mirror the other person provides because the reflection offers possibility and promise to the mystery of coming together in a way that lust would never be able to create. It’s the difference between finding a foundation you want to build upon, and overcoming an obstacle to get on with your life.
90. certain people
Certain people come into our lives who are only meant to be there for a moment. They arrive to teach us something; sometimes it may be painful, other times it may be pleasurable, but in either instance it’s the experience that’s truly important because it serves to teach us a lesson. Unfortunately, in the process, we may attach ourselves to these people because of the idea they represent or the feelings they allow us to feel, but holding on can be detrimental. It can go against the very reason they came into our lives to begin with. What they were meant to show us can be blinded by our effort to hold on. Sometimes we need to let go to complete the experience and gain the wisdom. It’s not easy — believe me — although it is worth trading the charming torture of their presence for discovering the next best part of you. The moments we share with these people are invaluable, until they’re not. Don’t lose sight of what is really important, and that is continuous growth.