319. actions are truer than words
It doesn’t matter what you tell yourself, or the things you espouse to the world. Your actions ultimately show your true values. Your actions reveal what you actually want.
We all say we want certain things — I want to lose weight. I want to write a book. I want to travel the world. I want to start over in a new city. It’s easy to say we want something, and it’s not wrong to want, however if those words aren’t followed up by actions to get you there, then you need to be true to yourself and ask; is this what I really want? Most likely, if you did want that thing, you would have already gotten after it, instead of merely talking about it.
Once we understand this, it’s easy to spot our true priorities. You can ignore what continues to be said and simply focus on your actions. It will show where your values truly lie.
If you say you want to lose weight, yet you continue down the same road, making poor decisions around your nutrition and health, it’s easy to see that you aren’t really in a place where losing weight is of the utmost value to you. If you say you want to write a book, yet fail to sit down and put ideas into words, then stop saying you want to write a book. If you say you want to travel, yet find excuses about it costing too much or not having enough free time, then stop saying you want to travel. If you want to move to a new city so that you can “start over,” yet you take no action towards applying for positions or looking for places to live in that area, then stop saying you want to start over in a new city.
We prioritize what we value. If we’re hungry we eat.
At a certain point, we need to stop lying to ourselves. Get clear on what you value. Stop putting energy into an idea that you have no interest in entertaining with action. Look in the mirror and ask yourself about the actions you consistently do. What are you doing everyday? What can’t you miss out on? What makes you, You? The answers you come up with are the things you truly value, and are what guide your life. All the other “I wants” are just lip service until they become part of what you consistently do. Stop wasting time by saying “I want”, if you really did, you wouldn’t continuously have to tell people because they would already see it in your actions.
238. thirty day rule
Based on the last 30 days of interacting with your partner, your employer, or any other relationship, would they bring you back for another 30 days or could they find someone better to replace you?
If you are honest with yourself, the likely answer for most of us is “No.” The way you’ve shown up over the last 30 days is out of habit, or fear, or comfort, not the excitement or passion that consumed us over the first 30 days.
You show up day after day because it’s easy. It’s easy because it’s familiar. You can zone out, and make it through the day on autopilot. You are present without really having presence. You’re there, but you’re not because you checked out a long time ago.
Think back to the first interaction with your partner, the first interview for that job you wanted, the first sparks of passion you felt for the commitment you now simply show up for. Think about all the excitement you felt during those first 30 days. Now think about how much of that person still exists today.
Would your partner or employer re-up for another 30 days, based on the last 30?
In speaking on relationships, Esther Perel says that “your partner is a lease, with an option to renew.” Extending that metaphor to the broader context of this post — the relationship, or career path, or any situation you find yourself in is not a life sentence. They’re all experiences we have controlling interest in. There is no obligation to keep going. If the last 30 days aren’t in line with the first what’s the point of continuously renewing. If you aren’t showing up with the same fervor or feeling as you once did maybe it’s time to trade it in.
231. hinging your tomorrows on yesterday
Not everything is meant to last forever. But the end of something doesn’t mean you failed. It more likely means the thing you’re after is failing you. Who you’ve become in the process can no longer be fulfilled by whatever it is you’re afraid to fail at. And in trying, you’re not opening yourself up to the possibility of something that can fulfill the new person you’ve become. You’re hinging your tomorrows on yesterday.
We have to realize that there is a distinction between what is worth saving and what is worth walking away from. But we all want there to be definitive answers, so we wait for absolutes, and that’s the biggest mistake because they never come. We’re always going to be at battle with “what if?”
Our decisions are always going to come with conflict. In choosing to walk away from old systems and toward greater possibilities, sometimes we also have to come to terms with letting go of what was great about the old system.
As I like to say, “there are no right answers, but there are wrong ones.” This life is about forward progress and momentum. If the situation you find yourself in isn’t moving you forward, or at least allowing you to maintain the momentum toward the life you want, then it’s important to periodically ask, “is this system serving who I want to become, or holding me back?” Pay attention to the themes.
The answers are never simple and choices will always be hard, but nothing worth it comes easy.
215. master the art of showing up
A habit must be established before it can be improved. This has to become a standard in your life before you should start worrying about optimizing or expanding on it.
If you’re not the type of person who sits down and writes one sentence a day, or steps one foot inside a gym, you’re never going to be the person who finishes a novel, or looks good naked.
We’re so focused on finding and implementing the perfect plan that we forget to give ourselves permission to not be perfect at first. Instead, we need to shift our focus on showing up everyday in a small way.
Whether it’s one push-up or one word on a blank page, do something so that you can master the art of showing up. Make that your new normal. And then once you become the person who shows up, then you can expand on the habit you’ve built.
94. behavior change
How do you come to believe the things you believe about yourself? You popped into this world with no preconceived notions, so where did the idea of You come from? We can argue the concepts behind Nurture versus Nature, but both are instrumental in constructing the identity you have about yourself.
So how does our identity get shaped? Mostly, through repetition of whatever story you’ve constructed over the years and repeatedly told yourself. Your story is your identity. The habits you formed shaped that narrative, and reinforced your particular identity. Sometimes it can be positive; “I’m a caring and loving person.” Other times it can be negative; “I’m fat and everyone hates me.” But these are just the stories you tell yourself. The unfortunate thing is, whether good or bad, if you’re looking for something to validate your feelings, you’re going to find it. So, if you go into situations with a certain framework, you’ll come away with experiences that match the story you’re telling yourself and solidify it within your mind.
Every thought and action you take is a vote for the person you want to become. If you can master the right mindset, that allows you to establish the right habits, you will continuously cast a vote for the person you wish to become. Those small efforts, day-after-day serve to create major changes over time. You’re not going to transform your body by doing one push-up a day, just as you’re not going to become a published author by writing once a day, but each time you do, you cast a vote for the type of person that doesn’t miss workouts, or the daily practice of writing. And over time, you’ll become the person who is healthy and can write well enough to tell you about it.
It’s important to understand that the goal isn’t to lose weight, or to publish a book because once you do, you’re not pursuing behavior change anymore, you’re acting in alignment as to the type of person you already see yourself to be. True behavior change is really identity change. Once you change the internal story, it’s easier to show up as the person you want to be. And, at that point it’s no longer motivation that drives you; it’s actualization of “this is who I am now.”
81. you only get out what you put in
No matter what we do, we always want the best results. The greater the level of effort we place into our chosen activity — whether, in business, writing, weight-loss, or really anything — the better results you will achieve. You can’t expect to become a successful entrepreneur if its just a part-time interest. You can’t expect to master the craft of writing, if you aren’t consistent. You can’t expect to optimally lose weight, if you are half-assing on your diet. How can we expect the best possible outcome with mediocre practices? Very simple, you can’t. It’s important to understand that you don’t rise to the level of your expectations, you always fall to your level of practice. You don’t transition to becoming business owner, a published author, or a vision of health just because you have a certain expectation. If your standard of practice is inferior to the results you want, then you can’t expect more. No one is perfect, but we can choose the level of effort we put into our desired activities. And as the saying goes, you only get out what you put in.
78. who are you
Who are you? There is no definitive answer to that question because you are ultimately a process, not a product. With every new challenge, you grow. With every new avenue taken, you advance. With every new insight, you improve. Your journey through life is dynamic. If you define yourself at any given point along the way, it only limits your capacity to change. Instead, focus on the stories, methodologies, ideas, and practices that allowed you to reach your current state and let them serve as a guide to becoming the next best version of yourself.
You say you’re smart, when you should really be saying you’re in the continual process of gaining knowledge.
You say you’re fat, when you should really be saying that you’re in the continual process of redefining your health.
You say you’re successful, when you should really be saying that you’re in the continual process of mastering your craft.
The first part of the above statements are finite, serving as an end in themselves. The second part serves as not only a fulfillment of the first statement, but a way to continuously improve upon your current situation. Your ability for progress is only limited by the restraints you place upon yourself. Always look to become the next best version of yourself, anything else is settling.
69. get specific
Sit down and make a list of the things you want the most. Make sure they’re specific. You want to lose weight; how many pounds? You want to get stronger; pick an exercise? You want to be a small business owner; how much capital do you need to start? You want to be in a relationship; what do you need to get someone to swipe right? It’s your world, so there is no wrong answer. It’s just that if we don’t have what we want, it’s probably for lack of focus.
Now take that list, and look at those specifics. What systems do you need to put in place or what variables do you need to change in your life to get you to the second part of those questions? That is where your attention needs to be. Most people get tripped up because they’re blinded by what they want, instead of focusing one what it takes to get there. If you take the time to put the necessary things in place that will deliver the result you’re after, you will be able to achieve it.
By focusing solely on the outcome, you lose sight of the small things that need to be done day-after-day. Pretty soon, you have little to no results, lose steam and quit. To get closer to what you desire, you need to get specific on what it takes to reach the larger outcome. If you show up everyday and consistently check off the necessary boxes you will be able to lose the weight, get stronger, start your business, have a relationship, or whatever it is that you’re after.
Get specific and have faith in the process.
success comes with consistency
It is important to understand that success can only come with consistency. It’s about finding pleasure in the journey, about overcoming the fear of what-if, about showing up day-after-day so that you can build a life, career, or body you want. None of that is possible without making a conscious choice everyday, to do the things you need to do to become the person you wish to be. Only then will you have the momentum where results start to show. And by then, you’ll have fallen in love with the process, guaranteeing you further success as you continue.
Too many people are focused on the outcome instead of falling in love with the journey. You can sacrifice all that you are to arrive at a goal, only to lose what you’ve gained because that isn’t who you are, it’s only who you scarified yourself to try to be. You didn’t put in the real work to make you that person — establishing the routines, adopting a new lifestyle, making the slow and necessary changes over time. Instead, you thought you could expedite the process. You told yourself to make sacrifices to arrive at the end goal, but once you got there you didn’t know how to keep it.
The life you want lies within the choices you make everyday, but you have to love the process. You can’t simply focus on writing the summary and then wonder why you don’t have a book yet.
goals suck…
When I first meet people, they tend to comment on how disciplined I must be to make time for the gym everyday or be able to stick with a certain diet, but I am here to tell you it has nothing to do with discipline. It comes down to loving what you do. Most people talk about goal setting, but I call bullshit. You don’t need better goals, you need a better system.
We set goals to be someone we’re not, when we should really be setting up systems to become the person we desire. If you want to lose weight, I’m sure you don’t want to gain it back, but that is exactly what happens the majority of the time. WHY? Because you do not love what you’re doing. For example, you set a goal to lose 20lbs, and in the process you sweat and sacrifice everything the larger version of yourself enjoyed to achieve your goal weight, but after a while the weight starts to add up again. Next thing you know, you’re right where you started again. WHY? Because you hated what you had to do to get there.
Goals suck!
Goals are only beneficial for setting an end point of the person you wish to become, and not some arbitrary number. The better choice is to establish a system that allows you to become that 20lbs lighter version of yourself.
WTF does that mean?
Think of is as a GPS. Let your goal become your destination — to lose 20lbs. Allow the system to take you there — thinking, acting, create habits as that 20lbs lighter version of yourself would — so that when you arrive, you are a new person, not one who airdropped in (through sacrifice) and has no idea how to navigate this new lifestyle.
Becoming a new version of yourself, be it weight loss or muscle gain, isn’t about discipline, it's about thinking like that new version of yourself would, and implementing the necessary changes overtime to get there. These necessary changes produce positive results, and reinforce the behavior. Yes, there is a chance it may take slightly longer to lose those 20lbs, but because you are creating new habits, you are much more likely to keep them, and less likely to fall back into old habits.
So when faced with a decision, always ask how your future self would act.