240. pay attention to the tension
Life is the way it is. Always. And if you get upset about that, not only will life still be the way it is, but you’ll also be upset.
If getting upset were the precursor to transforming your life, then by all means you should walk around upset all day because it will totally transform your circumstance. But it doesn’t. However, it does reveal where you aren’t okay with something.
And that is the gift. To see where you are not okay. It shows where the focus needs to go to liberate you from the conflict that causes you to be upset. It’s life’s way of showing you that the situation you’re currently in, or certain things you’re experiencing are not in line with who you truly want to be.
Pay attention to the tension.
235. accept what happened
If we can translate our mess into meaning, then we can free ourselves from the burden it creates, instead of simply trying to find our way through or fix it. This isn’t the same as being overtly positive about the negative emotions or situations we encounter, rather its about accepting what has happened. Pause and learn from the situation. In this way, we can embrace those negative emotions that come from the undesirable situations as part of a larger process.
In her book entitled, Own Your Self, Kelly Brogan cites a 1,300 person study which “revealed that accepting negative emotions rather than suppressing, fighting, or otherwise papering them over led to the experience of fewer negative emotions.” It’s like the old thought experiment of asking someone not to think of the pink elephant — when we try not to, that’s all we can think about. Similarly, if we’re trying not to think about the negative consequences of the troubling experience we’re going through in our life it’s going to weigh much heavier on us than if we were to accept the situation for what it is.
Brogan goes on to say that, “when we stop fighting what we’re feeling — scared, alone, abandoned, angry — we spend less time focusing on what’s wrong in our life that needs fixing.” Whether it’s losing our job or experiencing heartbreak, the only way forward is through the acceptance of what happened, that the sun will rise tomorrow, and you will be okay.
226. “alive”
Ever since I was little, I remember people asking me the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Publicly, I would always answer with some random profession to satisfy the curiosity of whoever it was that asked, as if that’s all this life is supposed to be about. But on my own, in private, when I really took the time to think about it, I’d answer… “when I grow up, I want to be alive.”
Looking back, I’m sure if I voiced that desire many people would think of me as morbid or pessimistic, and try to throw me in therapy, however I never saw it that way. It was more about being present and experiencing the world whenever that far off time of “grown up” decided to arrive. Regardless, the sentiment served me well to get through the next stage of my life.
At one point, I was so riddled with depression and sadness that I no longer wanted to exist. Revisiting the question from time to time, always returned the same answer. Being “alive” always sounded great. And with years of suicidal thoughts, being “alive” was a great goal to shoot for.
Obviously, I made it through those times, tough as they were, and on to the other side of that stage of my life, yet the question still remains… “what do I want to be when I grow up?” I still can’t come up with a better answer to that question than to be “alive.” However, the context is different now. It’s more than the literal — breathing, eating, moving, existing in this world; “alive” — and more the metaphorical “alive” that can only be realized through finding something that lights a fire inside you like finding Love, or Purpose, or Passion, or something along those lines.
I discovered fire. I was lucky enough to have found someone that allowed me to feel “alive” in the experience I shared with her. She opened me up to see the world differently. To see myself differently. “Alive,” no longer meant just existing within the world, it shifted toward wanting to build a new one. Together with her, and for her. Being “alive” became synonymous with the Love and happiness I felt toward this person. It was transformational. I never knew how good things could feel until I found someone whose peaks matched my valleys so exactly. We fit so amazingly well. The polarity was magnetizing. Everything came easy; the words, the passion, the intimacy, the connection, the chemistry. All the feelings and emotions that romance novels and great love stories are made of. The most incredible part is that every bond we connected on, every emotion we shared only grew stronger with the time we spent together. It was fucking amazing when we were together. Truly magic, if even for a moment.
This past year has been the most transformative time in my life. It’s a combination of figuring out how love is supposed to feel, and discovering who I am supposed to be. It’s provided me with a new interpretation of what being “alive” can mean. I’ve never felt more “me” than I do right now. I’ve never felt more alive.
Over the course of my life I’ve returned, again and again, to the question… “what do I want to do when I grow up?” And, I cannot think of a better answer than to be “alive.” However, with each stage of my life it’s taken on new meaning. From my youngest years of simply wanting to grow up. To my darker years of not wanting to die. To the present interpretation of equating “aliveness” (is that a word!?) with finding, experiencing, and expressing Love. The language has always remained the same, but with new experiences, came new meaning.
So, while I’ve answered the question the same way throughout the entirety of my life, the meaning has consistently changed. And I’m okay with that. We should never be too rigid, or strict on the words we use to define our life. They are meant to change, as are we and the words we use. Any introduction to a new experience opens us up to use our language in a new way. New context can change old content. We should always look for new meaning in how we tell our story. The context can change everything. It can light our world on fire, or burn it down. It’s all in the meaning and how we choose to see things.
I hope we all find someone or something that makes us feel “alive.”
202. law of attraction
We all want certain things, but most of the time, there’s a reason we don’t get them. We fail to realize that we need to embody the things we want to attract.
It’s the Law of Attraction. The idea that you attract what you are. It starts with how you approach the world, your beliefs and perspectives. If you’re not getting what you want, most likely you’re not embodying what you want to attract. You need to be honest with yourself and ask how are you showing up in the world because the energy you put out is the energy you’re going to attract.
Think, who is the person you need to be, to get the things that you’re after. Until you create the person that is reflective of the life you’re after, that person in the mirror will always look the same.
189. purpose
Wake up everyday with a purpose.
How do you know if you have purpose?
If you don’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning, then you haven’t found it. If your days are wasted on activities that fill your time, instead of create meaning, then you haven’t found it.
If you haven’t found it yet, that’s okay, but be aware that you’re wasting your fucking time on things that do not matter, and at the same time will keep you as a lesser version of who you can be.
How do I find purpose?
It starts with awareness. Who you are today, and what you consistently do is either keeping you within the bounds you’ve created for yourself, or seeks to continually extend the limits of where you feel comfortable.
Everything of beauty and awe in this life is predicated on growth, this includes you. The purpose of the flower is to bloom, just as the purpose of the caterpillar, much like your’s is to transform into something new. That newness and beauty comes from the metamorphosis, the change, the ability to redefine ourselves, and continually draw lines in the sand further and further away from our starting point, so that one day, when we look back we can’t recognize who we used to be because we are so enamored with who we’ve become.
Purpose comes with whatever makes you a better version of yourself. It’s the reason to get out of bed in the morning, its the reason not to waste time on things that don’t matter. It’s what people of lesser ambition, and who are scared to answer the call, think of as “work” when in reality, it’s just ceasing on every small opportunity to recreate our identity. Eventually, the those incremental changes become part of our purpose, creating a life built on momentum that we never want to stop.
That’s purpose.
174. unhappily familiar
In every version of the Hero’s Journey, the protagonist returns home with new found knowledge about themselves and the world. Their arrival is met with open arms and open ears. They are praised for everything they have accomplished and loved for everything they’ve become. In the movies, we see that the hero is always able to initiate a positive change upon their return with the knowledge they have brought back from their journey. However, as anyone who returns home for the holiday’s knows, it doesn’t always work like that.
In real life, the story starts out much the same. We leave home for various reasons, embarking on a journey that will make us who we are destined to become. Upon our return, we are met with similar fanfare, but those open arms are not matched with open ears. We soon learn that our time away has changed us, and those that stayed remained the same. The lessons we try to impart with the retelling of our story falls on def ears. Eventually, we come to an understanding that the land and people we once knew so well, the place that made us who we once were, and the people we so easily related to is no longer us, nor a place we can call home. Serving as a distant reminder of who we once were, it has now become happily unfamiliar.
Standing in front of us are mirror images of our past selves. The family, and friends who stayed behind, who didn’t answer the call to adventure, serve as a stark contrast of who we were, how far we’ve come, and a lot of the time, a version of ourselves we no longer wish to be. The journey we set out on, for whatever reason, changed us. The distance it created was necessary for our transformation. The separation provided the time and awareness that the person who we were when we left is not who we are meant to be, and if we stayed, would keep us from who we were meant to become.
93. oh, you’ve changed
Don’t get caught in the trap of worrying too much about what other people think. It’s a mistake because you’ll never really know what they think, only what they are willing to tell you. Often when people offer their opinion, they think they’re saying it on our behalf. They encourage you not to stretch or strive for something greater because they don’t want to be responsible for you if you fall. Who knows, maybe they see something you don’t. But, if the encouragement consistently falls on complacency, they are not helping you grow, and maybe you’ve outgrown certain people. It’s not a bad thing. People will say, “oh, you’ve changed,”… but, isn’t that the point?