305. why we dream, a hypothesis
Other than memory consolidation, it is hypothesized that a large part of why we dream is to work through our daily experiences in a safe environment. Research into this topics suggests that the phase of Rapid Eye Movement (REM) is used by the brain to relive stressful experiences without arousing the hormonal cascade associated with real-life interaction, so that those traumatic moments don’t have a long lasting affect on how we interact with the world. In essence, dreaming strips the emotion away from the memory, providing us with a fresh start to the new day.
This hypothesis arose from studies comparing those with and without PTSD. In those without PTSD, REM dreamstates were reported with a significant reduction in stress-related hormones, whereas people who reported with a history of PTSD were not correlated with a lowering of stress hormones. When most people go to sleep, they dream in a very low stress state, which allows them to work through their stressful experiences over and over until they eventually lose their power to influence their daily lives. This doesn’t happen in those with PTSD because their stress is so high even in dream states that they aren’t able to work through a traumatic experience.
It’s interesting to think about all the adaptive mechanisms the body has. We’ve been dreaming for thousands of years, yet there hasn’t really been a good explanation as to why. As far as I’m concerned, this makes a lot of sense.
276. authentic love
Something I’ve learned is that for a relationship to work, and more importantly have the potential to thrive, it can’t be used as a means to fill any voids or wounds caused by our past. If either participant is looking for rescue or validation through the love of another, the relationship isn’t going to work.
A healthy relationship is one that can provide a welcoming space for mutual evolution. This sentiment is, as Dr. Nicole LePera puts it, “the essence of authentic love.” She goes on to say that, “when two people allow each other the freedom and support to be fully seen, heard, and Self expressed, authentic love doesn’t feel like an emotional roller coaster; it feels like peace and an inner knowing that you are both choosing to show up from a place of mutual respect and admiration.”
Authentic love is one that feels more like home, than a drug. It definitely has the power to take you on a ride, but it’s not going to create dependence. Any high comes from the realization that life is better with this person, not because of them. It’s rooted in the awareness that this person isn’t there to fix you, heal you, or make up for all the traumas you’ve experienced in your past, but with this person around, sharing a life is much more enjoyable and because of this there is always an inspiration for continual growth, both independently and as a couple.
266. realizing a past trauma
When I was young, my mother would always ask me things like, “Why can’t you be this way?” or “Why can’t you be more like that person?” This led me to believe there was something inherently wrong with me. I was never good enough. I think that belief has followed me throughout my life, and became one of the reasons why I got into personal training / health coaching. I wanted so badly for someone to say, “Thank you. You are so great. You’ve helped me. And I appreciate who you are.”
It’s interesting to reflect on the paths we take. To really sit and wonder why. For myself, I try so hard to be good at what I do, that I’m often questioned, why I try so hard or what’s the purpose of continuously taking more classes? It’s very frustrating for me to hear these things. I have always justified them as a need to learn more so that I can be better at helping people, but I think a better reason is that I am just looking to be seen for what I can do and loved for what I am good at. With each new bit of information or protocol I learn, I am able to stand out in the eyes of the people that I help.
I think past traumas play a part in dictating all of our lives. The unfortunate part is that most of us will never take the time to develop the awareness that is needed to heal them. So we hold onto them thinking that the trauma is just who we are, when in reality it is just keeping us from all that we could be.
259. programmed
All our problems start in childhood. And it’s not just the fault of our parents, it’s also the things that happened at school and with our peers. Anything that happened before that transitionary age of 18, pretty much cemented the way we’ve thought and acted ever since.
The trauma we made it through isn’t who we are, but it did program us to see and approach the world in a certain way. Until we realize that there is a difference between what happened and what we understood it to be, we will be stuck viewing our future through the lens of the past. It can keep us from taking necessary risks, standing up for ourselves, asking for the things we deserve, and working hard to get the things we want.
Being stuck in the past is what stops our growth, and keeps us from the life we keep saying we want to have. At a certain point, we all need to realize it’s no longer good enough to look in the mirror and simply think “this is who I am.” We all need to be willing to break the mirror to see what’s on the other side, and redefine our lives from where we are today.
246. what are you unwilling to feel?
What are you unwilling to feel? What are you unwilling to sit with? Whatever it is, that is the thing you need to pay attention to.
Many of our behaviors, thoughts, and habits are established to mask or override the things we don’t want to feel. Bad habits may be bad, but they certainly feel easier to deal with than the pain of reliving and working through a past trauma. In our effort to avoid facing our pain, we inevitably create more dis-ease with the behaviors we use to cover up or distract ourselves from the things we don’t want to feel.
So when you find yourself alone looking for a way to distract yourself from certain thoughts creeping in your mind, pause and reflect on where they’re coming from, and why you want soo badly to disassociate from them. It’s going to be tough, but it’s a necessary first step in a long process of dealing with the underlying issues that have a certain power over our lives and the path we walk.
161. intuition
We are taught what to think — through rote memorization, consistent repetition, or simple indoctrination — rather than how to think. We are taught to sever ourselves from our intuition, and to always defer to a perceived expert or authority figure. But what happens when that person doesn’t have your best interest in mind, has a conflict of interest, or a financial incentive when offering their advice? We can easily be led down a path that doesn’t serve us.
It is our intuition that seeks to save us from misguided or nefarious guidance. However, when we are unable to tap into this innate knowledge because of past traumas we have failed to reconcile, we can be easily misled.
To some degree, we have all unfortunately experienced trauma, whether through verbal or sexual abuse, the loss of a loved one, a near-death experience, or another scarring event in our lives. If we haven’t done the internal work to heal ourselves from the pain of our past experiences, we become susceptible to the programming from our “education”, our media choice, our social circle, our upbringing, or our religious belief system.
Our unhealed trauma tells us that we aren’t worthy of making decisions for ourselves, so instead of searching for answers within ourselves we find it easier to listen to the voices of authority. Yet, their power only comes from what we allow. We find it easier to listen, than to turn inward, to do the self-work necessary to extoll the demons of our past, and heal the things that bother us the most, which cause us to search for guidance outside of ourselves.
It is not until we can heal from our past traumatic experiences, that we can confidently turn inward to reconnect with our intuitive voice and use it as a guide to discern whether the advice we are constantly being given is there to serve us, or them.