our thoughts are no longer our own
Interesting ideas from the book Hardwired: How Our Instincts to Be Healthy are Making Us Sick by Robert S. Barrett
Not even our thoughts are our own anymore…
So powerful is our desire for social relevance that many of us follow the crowd and adopt their identity simply due to an eagerness to belong — this is a powerful theme with modern social media. We quickly adopt the narrative of the groups we want to fit into, hoping they will accept us, even if the decision to do so is completely irrational.* This effort to conform is known as Normative Influence, which results in conformity for the sole sake of belonging. Because we are all lost in autonomy, we are willing to bend our narrative just for a chance to fit in.
The modern world has magnified the appeal for belonging. Studies into normative social influence demonstrate that conformity is much stronger in public than in private, and because our lives are increasingly public, we tilt more and more to what we find will make us the most acceptable. From posting photos online, to uploading our children’s birthday party videos, to taking selfies at work, we are subtly shifting our true voice or story to fit the greater narrative we wish to be a part of.
In the famous Asch conformity experiments, when subjects were able to write their answers down anonymously, as opposed to stating them in front of the group, they were honest nearly all the time, unencumbered by the social pressures to conform to the group narrative.
Popular social media apps are rendering our private sphere public, and for many of us, conformity with online social media trends means greater peer acceptance. Conforming to group norms and attitudes are a hardwired trait, as we all want to belong. In one study, when teens and college students were shown social media images while in an fMRI, the images that elicited the greatest response in the brain’s reward center were the ones that had the most likes by others.** This suggests that we are not entirely free-thinkers when it comes to stating what we like or dislike any longer, but are subconsciously seeking to follow the trends of the group so that we don’t get left behind.
225. tribes
We used to be born into tribes. We didn’t have to find people from other countries or walks of life that share our values or ideas, and then try to create our own. We had very little choice in the matter, but what it gave us was a sense of belonging, identity, and continuity.
We didn’t have to figure out who we were because being born into a tribe inherently meant… “I know who I am, because I know who I am a part of.”
We didn’t have to wonder what to do because the tribe would automatically dictate our approach… “I know what to do, because, I do what I am told.”
We didn’t have to worry about finding purpose because our relationships were organized in a way that gave us a sense of duty and obligation… “I am happy when I fulfill the tasks that are expected of me.”
We weren’t raised for autonomy. We weren’t raised to use our words to say what we want. We were raised to know what other people want from us. Despite the gap in time, we are, to a large extent, still these people.
In the transition from childhood to adulting we are thrust into a world of autonomy, and most of us have no idea how to find our place in the modern world. Hence, the boom in the self-help book genre. We’re all looking to find our place. We have never been more free to make our own decisions, yet more alone in the process.
So, how can we overcome this challenge?
Unfortunately, I don’t see that there is any “quick fix” because, in a way, the whole concept of autonomy is going against human nature. We exist to work together. However, in finding your tribe, I think the best approach for any of us will be to focus more on ways of showing the world who you are comfortable being, rather than trying to find somewhere you’d like to fit in. Your tribe should gravitate toward you, not the other way around.
In essence, this whole concept of starting this blog and sharing my ideas is a way to find my place in the world. To work out my ideas and hopefully find others along the way. All we can really do is try, learn, adapt, and grow. And eventually, if we show up consistently, and with conviction, we’re bound to find our tribe.
83. rigidity
We’re tribal. We gravitate toward people, ideas, or things that resonate with us and captivate our sensibilities. It’s a safety mechanism to want to be part of a group, as there is safety in numbers, just as our inclusion makes us feel a sense of acceptance were we are more comfortable to take on tasks that further promote the group identity as a whole. Tribalism is a self-fulfilling prophecy, that provided us the security to culturally evolve over millennia. Yet, where there is one tribe, there is another with competing ideas or beliefs. And, while the world is probably the safest its ever been, we are more at war — not physically, but ideologically — with one another than ever before.
The tribal mentality that paved the way for modernity to take hold seems to be the same thing that is keeping us from taking the next great leap forward to creating a better world. We are all beholden to the tribes we belong to and the beliefs they’re based upon. It’s become our identity. Any thing that challenges those believes is a strike against our identity, so we lash out and double-down. No longer can I share my opinion on one thing, while you hold an opposing opinion, and accept it without a judgement or prejudice on me as a person or my level of intellect. What happened to free thought, openness, aggregation? Isn’t that how we creatively solve novel problems?
Your ideas equal you, but they shouldn’t define you. You should be a thing that thinks, collects new ideas, through new experiences, by seeking to understand new viewpoints, so that you can develop new strategies. Bruce Lee said it best; “absorb what is useful, discard what is useless and add what is specifically your own.” We’re all too fucking busy defending our beliefs to actually listen to a different viewpoint that may give way to a better course of action. When differing opinions are presented, you should be able to entertain the idea without accepting it, not take offense because it’s contradictory. Yes, there are a lot of stupid people, but denouncing them straight away not only does a disservice to you, but also the other person. You’re both going to want to prove each other wrong, search for studies that confirm your ideological bias and go down the rabbit hole of separateness.
When you look at anything through the lens of ideology, you have strict boundaries that limit your capacity to be open and accepting of alternative thoughts and a chance to connect the dots in a different way. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism brought upon by the challenge a conflicting idea has on our identity. We’re fearful that all that we have identified with may be wrong. We’d rather be safer in our thoughts, thinking we’re right by defending all opposing ideas, than to entertain something new. But this rigid mentality is only going to keep us from being able to come up with the best path forward.