328. empathy
We all claim to practice empathy, but simply saying “I feel your pain” isn’t empathetic, it’s just this generations equivalent of the old unhelpful bureaucrats who would say “Look, I sympathize with your situation, but there’s nothing I can do.” Unfortunately, we seem to be moving further away from the real practice of empathy as the former statement is so detached from action that there isn’t any use for the “but” as a bridge to the “there’s nothing I can do.” We all want our concerns to be heard, matched with feelings of equal concern, and ultimately alleviated. Yet, without real empathy there is no guarantee that any amount of listening to the problems of another will lead to a compassionate act. To paraphrase the essayist Leslie Jamison:
Empathy offers a dangerous sense of completion — thinking something has been done because something has been felt. Tempting us to feel virtuous because we’ve wandered into the ambiguous arena of trying to feel someone else’s pain. The peril of empathy isn’t that it can make us feel bad, but that it can make us feel good. which encourages us to think of empathy as an end in itself rather than a catalyst in a larger process of understanding.
Empathy, as I understand it, is the ability to feel what another is going through. It’s more than an understanding, it’s putting yourself in the situation of another to have a shared experience. Instead of imagining how someone else is feeling, try imagining how it would feel if this were happening to you. In an instant, you can be transported to the forefront of the problem at hand, and come face-to-face with the main point of empathy; that really feeling someones pain feels painful. When that happens, the “there’s nothing I can do” has a greater likelihood of transforming into “how can I help.”
282. better interactions
Most of the problems we encounter with one another arise from our lack of clear and concise communication. Here are a few tips to think about when we’re interacting with someone. Hopefully, with a greater awareness of our thoughts and the words we choose to express them, we can create better, more productive conversations.
Be willing to ask for help.
- Ask for help whenever you need to.
- Remind yourself that if you need something, most people will be happy to help if they can.
- Use clear, intimate communication to ask for what you want, explaining your feelings and the reasons behind your request.
- Trust that most people will listen if you ask them to.
Be yourself, whether people accept you or not.
- State your thoughts clearly and politely, without malice, and do not try to control how people receive it.
- Do not give more energy than you really have.
- Instead of trying to please, give other people a true indication of how you feel.
- Don't volunteer for something if you think you'll resent it later.
- If someone says something you find offensive, you don't need to let the statement go. Try to offer an alternative viewpoint, but don't base the success of the conversation on whether you can change the other person's mind.
Sustaining and appreciating emotional connections.
- Make a point of keeping in touch with people you care about, and returning their messages.
- Think of yourself as someone who can give and receive help from your community of friends.
- Even when people aren't saying the "right" thing, tune into whether they're trying to help. If their effort feels genuine, and makes you feel emotionally nurtured, express your gratitude.
- When someone irritates you, do not say the first thing that comes to mind, think about what you can say to improve the situation and create a mutual understanding. If necessary, wait until you cool off and then ask if the other person is willing to revisit the situation.
Have reasonable expectations.
- Keep in mind that being perfect isn't always necessary. Getting things done is often better than obsessing over getting everything perfect. Adjustments can usually be made after the fact.
- When you get tired, rest or do something different. Your level of physical energy and focus will alert you to when you're doing too much. Don't wait for an accident or produce poor quality work if your head isn't in it.
- When you make a mistake, just remember you're human. Even if you think you've anticipated everything, there will always be unexpected hurdles from time to time.
- Remember that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and for expressing their needs clearly. Beyond common courtesy, it isn't up to you to guess what others want.
Communicate clearly and actively seek preferred outcomes.
- Don't expect people to know what you need unless you tell them. Having someone care about you doesn't mean they automatically know what you're feeling.
- If the people closest to you upset you, use the feelings of pain to identify your underlying need. Then use clear, intimate communication to provide guidance on how they could give it to you.
- When your feelings are hurt, try to understand your reaction first. Did something trigger feelings from your past, or did the person really treat you insensitively? If someone was insensitive, ask them to hear you out.
- Be thoughtful to other people, and if they aren't thoughtful in return, ask them to be more considerate in the future, and then let it go.
- Ask for something as many times as it takes to get a clear answer.
- When you get tired of interacting, politely speak up, asking if there is anyway to continue at another time. Kindly explain that your capacity has been reached at the moment.
221. find yourself
Most of us live within other peoples value systems. Ever since we were children, we were told what was valuable and what wasn’t. We took on those values because without them, we didn’t think we could be loved or accepted. We became this person who holds things of importance without ever really understanding why. But it’s because we are a product of our environment.
The values impressed upon us from a young age, carry us through life if they align with our path, and cause us great strife if they’re in conflict with the path we should be walking.
So, how can we reconcile these things? We need to take a step back and look at all the things we’re doing. Are we doing them because we should, or because we want to? There is a distinctive difference, and in figuring it out, we can find ourselves and start living the way we’re meant to.