252. time is finite
Time is finite. It’s the only unrenewable resource.
There isn’t a more effective way to figure out what is most important to us than to experience a shortage of time. What we choose to fit in those narrow moments of freedom, or deliberately place into our schedule because we can’t afford to miss, reveal to us what we truly value. We like to say things like, “if I only had more time…” but you don’t. And those important things you can’t live without, you always find the time to fit them in. So stop wasting your precious moments thinking about what you would do if you had more time, and instead think about what you could do to maximize the things you can’t pass off.
Worrying about what we can’t fit into our day still takes up time that we could be enjoying things we value. If you have been saying “if I only had the time…” about something longer than 3 months, chances are, you never will because it isn’t a priority. Let it go. Clear the space to focus on things that hold greater importance to you.
251. fitting in
Where would we be if we worried more about what our future-selves thought about the decisions we make on a daily basis, than the people we currently surround ourselves with? When we’re young, we worry about how we’re perceived by everyone around us. We often make decisions that aren’t in line with who we truly are, instead making those decisions that best fit the narrative we want to fit into. But after a while, we figure out that making decisions based on how we’re perceived by others isn’t the best way to create a life we want to live. At a certain point, we need the courage to stray from the pack we’ve been running with to have a chance to build a life that makes us happy or at least gives us a chance at that happiness.
Part of growing up is separating ourselves from who we thought we were supposed to be — someone defined by the people we surround ourselves with — and the person we need to become — someone defined by making decisions that best align with the future we want to create. The more we struggle and fight who we are, by making decisions that try to fit our lives into a framework that our social group deemed “acceptable,” the less happy and fulfilling our lives will be.
Make decisions based on who you truly want to be, not who you want to impress or fit in with. Sooner or later you’ll realize that the people you were trying to impress weren’t really even paying attention to begin with.
250. we are all the same
We have a tendency to put people on pedestals, turning them into saints or some “other” that is uniquely different than us. We create a separation between the lowly us and the extraordinary them. In doing so, we justify our lack of success or accomplishments because we aren’t built like the people we idolize. Unfortunately, we make the mistake of thinking those we look up to are somehow different than us without realizing that at one point they were just like us, looking up at someone else. But instead of letting that separation become an excuse not to strive to become more than they are, they used it as motivation, or influence, or encouragement that life is what you make it.
We are all the same. No one has mythical powers. Just because someone is accomplished, educated, successful, or in shape doesn’t mean that we cannot become any of those things. But if we live with the thought that those people we look up to are somehow built different than us or endowed with supernatural abilities, then it becomes easy for us to fall back on excuses saying we can’t accomplish those things. So, walk forward in this life knowing that you are no different that the people you look up to, but just at a different point on your journey.
249. the ultimate connection
The ultimate connection has us linked together both physically and emotionally. Yet, there are still some people who continue to argue that the more emotionally open and available you are, the worse the sex gets. But how does that even make sense? The more open and honest you are with yourself, the more you can communicate the things you like and wish to see from your partner. Don’t read this the wrong way, carnal pleasures can be great, but they’re limited to their physicality, whereas anyone who has experienced pleasure driven by emotional connection knows that it can be some next level shit.
Study after study show how emotional intimacy increases both sexual desire and sexual libido. And if you really take the time to sit down and think about it, it makes sense. Truly great sex is all rooted in the same categories as emotional intimacy: openness, communication, and trust. Being able to open up so that you can communicate specific desires while trusting your partner isn’t going to think you’re strange or crazy allows for the ultimate connection. Knowing the desires of another and the comfort to explore them openly creates experiences that never stagnate, but instead continue to build upon the last.
Simply put — showing your emotions can lead to some of the best sex of your life. And while we may think that passion and sexual chemistry fade over time, does it really have to? I think that if we can let go of our fears, and stories that prop them up, we will be able to connect on that deep emotional level, allowing us to grow together with each experience so that we can have the best sex of our life each time we have it.
248. cascade
Beliefs become our thoughts.
Thoughts become our words.
Words become our actions.
Actions become our habits.
Habits become our virtue.
Virtue becomes our destiny.
There is a level of control to destiny. Many of us think that what is going to happen, will happen. But in reality, we have the power to affect that inevitability. It all starts at the beginning of the cascade with the beliefs, thoughts, and words we use to describe the life we are living. Believing your current situation is inevitable will never allow you to find the words to develop the actions which will orient you towards the habits that can then begin to shift your trajectory.
Where we are, does not determine where we will end up. The sooner we can change limiting beliefs, the sooner we can start to create changes that will put us on a path toward where we want to be and ultimately fulfill the destiny of our liking.
247. the guest house
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
— Rumi
——————
Each new day invites chaos into our lives. We know it’s coming, yet instead of welcoming the “violent sweep,” we guard against its reckoning. No matter whether that life is actually working for us or not, it’s familiar so we establish routines and habits to mitigate any disruption and hold on to that way of life as tightly as we can. Yet, we forget that the universe was created out of chaos. All the subsequent beauty, love and grace that we see came out of a time where things were disrupted. Just imagine what we could be missing by trying to guard against the chaos so intently.
246. what are you unwilling to feel?
What are you unwilling to feel? What are you unwilling to sit with? Whatever it is, that is the thing you need to pay attention to.
Many of our behaviors, thoughts, and habits are established to mask or override the things we don’t want to feel. Bad habits may be bad, but they certainly feel easier to deal with than the pain of reliving and working through a past trauma. In our effort to avoid facing our pain, we inevitably create more dis-ease with the behaviors we use to cover up or distract ourselves from the things we don’t want to feel.
So when you find yourself alone looking for a way to distract yourself from certain thoughts creeping in your mind, pause and reflect on where they’re coming from, and why you want soo badly to disassociate from them. It’s going to be tough, but it’s a necessary first step in a long process of dealing with the underlying issues that have a certain power over our lives and the path we walk.
245. training or education
Training and education are entirely different things. Yet, are conflated into the same meaning and used interchangeably.
Rich Diviney states in his book called Attributes that, “training is about learning and practicing specific skills; education is about broadening knowledge, developing beliefs and values, gaining experience.” This isn’t a subtle difference, which can be illustrated by the strangeness of hearing someone say “I’m going to educate my dog today.” WTF!? The statement doesn’t work because we don’t educate dogs, we train them. We teach our “good boy” to sit, stay, or shake. We don’t expect him to understand the how or why of the environment or situation in which we might ask him to do those things. A “good boy” does what we ask, without fail.
Often times when we’re looking to achieve a specific goal, we aren’t interested in being educated so much as trained to reach a particular outcome. While it’s great that we can take orders and achieve our goal with the help of another, it leaves our future results in jeopardy. Yes, finding someone to assist you on your journey is key, but you’ll never find your own results if you are reliant on the commands of another. Take the time you have with your mentor, coach, trainer, parents or whoever you look up to to ask the questions that allow you to take the lead in achieving your outcomes. If you don’t you’ll never be the hero of your story, you’ll just be a part of someone else’s.
244. broaden your horizons
We tend to lose our imagination as we get older. Or maybe we trade it in for our increasing level of priorities or our increasingly limited bandwidth. Either way, it gets continuously harder to imagine a future we want than to remember a past we’ve lived through. So that past becomes a guide for our decisions, instead of the opposite. Making it through the day becomes the goal, rather than envisioning new horizons. This serves us to the point that it allows us to “fly” on autopilot through our day — and if we aren’t careful, even our life — by completing tasks and getting things done, but ultimately falls short on improving that life.
We’ve become less creative and imaginative as we age, and consequently more fixed and dogmatic in the narrative we allow ourselves to live by. And while this can be a way of life, it is certainly not a way to live.
243. out of the corner
There are too many of us who suffer from being lonely. Not for lack of contact or social interaction, but because we aren’t free from our past trauma. We live in a world surrounded by people, yet exist alone, off in a corner with our thoughts. Unable to find the words to speak about the things we’ve gone through or things that have happened to us, we walk alone in a crowd. The only way to break free, to begin to heal ourselves and to grow is to not be scared of vulnerability. It’s okay to stumble over the articulation of our pain on our path to finding our truth. It is not going to be easy, but it is a necessary step toward healing, and perhaps the only thing that is going to bring us out of the corner.
242. you can’t do everything
You can do anything in this life, just not everything. Continually adding things to your plate isn’t going to help you establish a life where you can thrive. Spread too thin, you, like the multiple projects you take on are not able to focus and grow any of them optimally. You are getting C’s in 10 different things, unhappy with the results, when you could be getting A’s in 3 things.
There’s a ~200 page book called The One Thing written by Gary Keller which can be summarized in one sentence — You can only achieve great results by focusing on one thing at a time. (Leave a tip, I saved you $20 and 2 hours!) Sounds commonsensical, but the sentiment is lost on the majority of us.
Most of us have been led to believe multitasking is the best way to get things done. And while you may be right in that you can definitely get more things done, you’re wrong in thinking that those tasks were completed optimally. In one study from the University of Utah, an absurd but remarkably confident 70% of the participants thought they were above average in their ability to optimally complete multiple things at once. They weren’t, and most likely you aren’t either.
When people try to do several things at once — roughly 98%, according to the Utah study — gets worse at each individual task. The idea of answering emails, posting to social media, cooking dinner, hanging pictures on the wall, attending to the kids, while you listen to the news all at once is enticing, but also cognitively draining. Your mind simply isn’t set up to focus on multiple things at the same time. Even the 2% minority in the Utah study who didn’t get worse at execution, they also weren’t getting any better outcomes, they were just exceptionally efficient at switching tasks at a rapid rate.
So if multitasking isn’t the answer to getting things done, then what is? Prioritize what is most important. Delegate what can be better done by someone else. Determine what you will take on going forward. Execute on the things that matter. Obviously this is easier said than done, but with less multitasking and the more specific your attention, the more productive you’ll be because you will be getting A’s in all the things you care about, instead of C’s across the board.
241. sustained desire
Unfulfilled desire will always be met with disappointment. It’s frustrating to be denied a raise or turned down by that person at the bar. But, fulfilled desire also comes with its own flavor of loss. In getting what we want, we lose the thrill of wanting it. The yearning, the elaborate strategies, the fantasies, and all the energy wound tightly into wanting are exasperated upon acquisition.
Sound familiar? It has too. Just think about the last thing you had to have until you got it. Now that you have it, you may enjoy it, you may even love it, but do you still want it? How does that want compare to the first time it crossed your mind? It is definitely harder to want what you already have, for the obvious reason of owning it. It’s the law of diminishing returns telling us that with increased frequency comes a decrease in satisfaction. The more you use a product, the less satisfaction you’ll get with each subsequent use.
So if desire is always more intense than its requiting, are we doomed in our quest to find the one? Are our attempts at a loving relationship destined for staleness for lack of longing?
It is often said that people only want what they can’t have. This makes sense from the perspective of buying a new gadget, article of clothing or even sexual conquest, but I think that logic breaks down when it comes to love. You see, we cannot own a person in the same way we own our iPhone. People, the ones who we make our partner, are not finite entities for consumption, manufactured in a certain form to fill a specific function. They are organic individuals who think, learn, and grow from their life experiences. This gives them the ability to continuously transform throughout their lives.
If not, then yes, trade that mother fucker in. But that speaks directly to the point.
Because you can know the in’s and out’s of your iPhone, you will want a new one. This isn’t the same for people, because unlike a product, people change with new experiences and grow with new challenges over time. They have the capacity for growth which allows them to continuously transform over the course of the relationship.
The problem isn’t that love is doomed to fail based on the loss of desire, it’s in finding a partner that grows in the same direction as the path you’re walking. In doing so, you will realize their mystery is forever ungraspable. And as soon as we can understand this, sustained desire becomes a real possibility.
240. pay attention to the tension
Life is the way it is. Always. And if you get upset about that, not only will life still be the way it is, but you’ll also be upset.
If getting upset were the precursor to transforming your life, then by all means you should walk around upset all day because it will totally transform your circumstance. But it doesn’t. However, it does reveal where you aren’t okay with something.
And that is the gift. To see where you are not okay. It shows where the focus needs to go to liberate you from the conflict that causes you to be upset. It’s life’s way of showing you that the situation you’re currently in, or certain things you’re experiencing are not in line with who you truly want to be.
Pay attention to the tension.
239. stepping back
This life is full of choices. We are always measuring out our next move. Should I do this or that? Thinking about how to make exponential progress without an ounce of regression because we unfortunately equate regression with failure. But as with anything in life, it’s not always this black and white. Regression doesn’t always mean failure. Sometimes it simply means taking a step back to see things more clearly so that you can make a better move forward.
In football, the quarterback always drops back from the line of scrimmage to get a clearer view of the field before he makes a play by throwing, handing off, or even running the ball forward himself. Without stepping back he would not be able to survey the field to execute the best play possible to move the ball forward. If he only kept his head down and tried to continually push through the line he wouldn’t get very far, and probably get hurt in the process. The results would be very poor and predictable, and the game would be even more boring than it already is (sorry, not sorry). The same goes for life…
The concept of stepping back is lost on most of us because we have been taught to never lose ground because our value and identity rests on what we have accomplished up to this very point. But like the quarterback, if you are grinding away and not making progress, maybe what you’re doing isn’t what you should be doing. Step back, regroup, see the situation for what it is. Don’t stay in a situation that isn’t allowing you to move forward simply because you’re afraid to regress or momentarily lose status in your life. Chances are, if you get over that fear, that step back will propel you forward. Sometimes a step backwards is a step in the right direction.
outgrowing your parents
what do you do if you out grow your parents?
I was raised by narcissistic children. Both my mother and father were and continue to be victims. I never seemed to do anything right in search of the love I wanted and needed. How was I supposed to put into words the things I inherently needed but have no idea how to conceptualize? I’m was fucking child. I feel like that is the responsibility of parents, to provide concepts of love, comfort, safety, and understanding so that a child can become a strong and resiliently minded individual. Looking back, I never had that. I was their precious child and at the same time never allowed to be one. It fucked me up for over 30 years.
I don’t know if this is some magical time in my life but I am now older than my parents were when they had me. And I feel more mature than they are now and ever have been, so what do you do if you out grow your parents? How fucking sad is that question? This isn’t growing apart or distant, this is like taking the 40 year old self you’ve become and trying to have a relationship with your highschool self. How do you grow from that situation?
Relationships are only beneficial as both parties stand to gain some type of positivity from one another. Are parents supposed to be any different? I’m not saying to brush them off or disrespect them or never talk to them again, but if you are the sum of the people you hold closest to your heart, and your parents on their best possible day will never be able elevate you to who you wish to become, are you supposed to keep them close simply because they’re your parents or keep them at arms distance because they can only hinder your progress as an individual? It’s a tough question. And as always, there is no right answer.
I don’t think there is any justification for keeping anyone close to you if they don’t wish to continuously grow with you. It shouldn’t matter if they gave birth to you or not. People are still people and if they aren’t making you better they are keeping you from getting better. It’s really fucking sad because I wish I had a family. I wish I had someone to love like a mother. Someone to call and tell them how I feel and how good I am doing in life and have them be proud. Someone to seek advice from. Someone to talk to. But I don’t. And it’s sad, but it’s all part of my story.
238. thirty day rule
Based on the last 30 days of interacting with your partner, your employer, or any other relationship, would they bring you back for another 30 days or could they find someone better to replace you?
If you are honest with yourself, the likely answer for most of us is “No.” The way you’ve shown up over the last 30 days is out of habit, or fear, or comfort, not the excitement or passion that consumed us over the first 30 days.
You show up day after day because it’s easy. It’s easy because it’s familiar. You can zone out, and make it through the day on autopilot. You are present without really having presence. You’re there, but you’re not because you checked out a long time ago.
Think back to the first interaction with your partner, the first interview for that job you wanted, the first sparks of passion you felt for the commitment you now simply show up for. Think about all the excitement you felt during those first 30 days. Now think about how much of that person still exists today.
Would your partner or employer re-up for another 30 days, based on the last 30?
In speaking on relationships, Esther Perel says that “your partner is a lease, with an option to renew.” Extending that metaphor to the broader context of this post — the relationship, or career path, or any situation you find yourself in is not a life sentence. They’re all experiences we have controlling interest in. There is no obligation to keep going. If the last 30 days aren’t in line with the first what’s the point of continuously renewing. If you aren’t showing up with the same fervor or feeling as you once did maybe it’s time to trade it in.
237. willingness
We all want to be free, but what does that really mean? We seem to think it’s the ability to do whatever we want, yet we would be wrong. Freedom isn’t the ability to do whatever we want, it’s the willingness to do so.
We think, “if I only had this much money or that much time, I could finally have the freedom to do what I wanted.” But that’s bullshit. If we were really forced to make a change, we would most likely realize we already have enough money and time to make the necessary changes that would put us on a path toward the life we want. Will it be perfect? Probably not, but that’s freedom.
We have a lot more freedom than our excuses allow us to believe. The things we tell ourselves are just stories to keep us in familiar territory because we are afraid of the consequences or the push back or the unknown that actually comes with the willingness to be free. We aren’t lacking freedom because we’re missing some liberating force in our lives, we lack freedom because we are stuck in our ways.
236. change your language
If the story you continue to tell yourself doesn’t line up with the actions you take then you need to change the things you say.
Either change your language, or change your message.
There’s no reason to continue to talk about how you want to lose weight, but continue the bad habits that caused you to gain the weight in the first place.
There’s no reason to continue to talk about how you don’t like the job you’re in, but refuse to put effort into updating your resume to see what can come of it.
There’s no reason to continue to talk about how you wish you could find the time to read more, but all the free time you have is spent on social media or in front of the television.
Maybe the things you say you want aren’t as important as you think they are. And that’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up trying to fit in a narrative that doesn’t work for you. If you are continuing to fall short on what you tell yourself, take note. There’s a good chance that that story, at least in how you’re currently telling it, isn’t in line with what really needs to happen.
Here’s a personal example… A goal of mine is to be successful and make money simply for being me. I thought that meant I had to build a business around my personality. I kept telling myself over and over, this is how I have to do it, but failed every time. I just don’t care enough about marketing or social media to be “that guy.” So, I changed the way I looked at it all. Instead of saying “I need to be a brand,” I change the language to “I want the freedom to do what I love.” That seemed to make all the difference in the world because I found a place that lets me be me, and they pay me well for it. I have endless potential to grow and create, which is all I wanted from the beginning. But if I stuck to the language that kept failing me, I wouldn’t have found the success that I have now.
235. accept what happened
If we can translate our mess into meaning, then we can free ourselves from the burden it creates, instead of simply trying to find our way through or fix it. This isn’t the same as being overtly positive about the negative emotions or situations we encounter, rather its about accepting what has happened. Pause and learn from the situation. In this way, we can embrace those negative emotions that come from the undesirable situations as part of a larger process.
In her book entitled, Own Your Self, Kelly Brogan cites a 1,300 person study which “revealed that accepting negative emotions rather than suppressing, fighting, or otherwise papering them over led to the experience of fewer negative emotions.” It’s like the old thought experiment of asking someone not to think of the pink elephant — when we try not to, that’s all we can think about. Similarly, if we’re trying not to think about the negative consequences of the troubling experience we’re going through in our life it’s going to weigh much heavier on us than if we were to accept the situation for what it is.
Brogan goes on to say that, “when we stop fighting what we’re feeling — scared, alone, abandoned, angry — we spend less time focusing on what’s wrong in our life that needs fixing.” Whether it’s losing our job or experiencing heartbreak, the only way forward is through the acceptance of what happened, that the sun will rise tomorrow, and you will be okay.
234. choosing another
How do you deal with someone you love choosing another over you? Well, if you really love that person, you will honor their choice because love doesn’t judge. It has no agenda. It just is.
All you can really do is think about the beautiful time you spent with that person, whether it was a week, a month, or a year. Find gratitude for the time you were able to experience that person and who you became because of that relationship, instead of feeling depression for the absence of them. Yes, it’s going to hurt for a time and that’s okay because you’re human. There are going to be painful waves of emotion, but after a while they will subside and when they do you will be ready for loves next swell to overtake you.