338. become a monster
We’re living in a world that’s currently thriving on scarcity and fear. Where people choose to find comfort in passivity. Where it’s more acceptable to back down, than stand up. Where strong convictions often lead to exile.
However, it shouldn’t be wrong to exhibit strength. To be resolute in your beliefs. To stand firm for what you want out of life. At the same time that doesn’t mean any of us should treat those who do not share our exact views with contempt or malice. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be kind if you’re strong, but it does mean that if you can’t exhibit strength if you succumb to weakness.
So don’t be afraid. Don’t be docile. Don’t be idle. Don’t be weak. And most importantly, don’t be a dick.
Become a monster.
Be ruthlessly ambitious, and then learn how to control it.
At the end of the day, it’s always better to be warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war.
318. embrace adventure
Many people are unhappy with their circumstances, but fail to take the initiative to change their situation. Conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, they mistake safety with solace, all the while forgetting that at the very core of our being is a call for adventure. It’s the thrill of discovery that led humanity to explore and conquer the world over. That spirit is still alive within us. It’s a reason behind why we cheat on our partners or make uncharacteristic purchases — anything that will break the monotony and allow us to experience the new. We’re simply looking for an escape from the rerun that has become our lives.
We’ve forgotten that the human spirit thrives on adventure. Our joy in life comes from encountering new experiences, not reliving the same yesterday over and over. Somewhere along the line we traded adventure for safety without realizing that feeling alive requires a threat of the unknown. This doesn’t mean we need to sell all our possessions and travel the world until our funds run out, but it does mean that sometimes we need to ease the grasp on our routines. Change the route you take home. Change the order you normally complete tasks. Change the way you approach life. Embrace change. Embrace new experiences. Embrace adventure. And never forget that genuine happiness will come from discovering new horizons.
313. we’re all ignorant
This isn’t meant to be disparaging, but we’re all ignorant. In Americanese, being labeled as ignorant is generally seen as an insult, yet by definition, it simply means “lacking awareness.”
In Buddhism, “ignorance” is a rough translation of the word Avidyā, which is Sanskrit for having a misunderstanding of the true nature of our reality and the truth of our impermanence. Even when the news continuously tells us that the sky is falling and we are less than what we could be, most of us are unaware of how good we have it, and so, many of us settle into dis-ease, unhappiness, and end up chasing the wrong things.
So what are the wrong things?
Seeing life as a checklist to fulfill instead of an experience to behold. We think we need to go to school to get a good job; then meet our significant other to get married; then buy a house to raise a family; then save up for that new car, retirement and our children’s college fund. It’s the American Dream, right? Except that it may very well be a dream to think that this is what will create a life we’re genuinely happy with. And it’s unlikely that that plan will materialize perfectly, and even if it does, then what? Do we settle? No, we just add more items to the checklist.
It’s the nature of desire to get one thing and immediately covet the next. This cycle of accomplishment and acquisition likely won’t make us happy, but instead distract us from doing the work that will.
308. we’re after more than money
Our biggest want is for money. We think it will deliver us to some magical place, where we can find fulfillment because we’ll have the ability to afford all that we desire. Don’t get me wrong, wanting to be rich for the sake of material comfort is fine, but it is likely not going to provide an internal sense of fulfillment. So, in all our efforts to acquire more money, why not be clear on what we’re really after?
Let’s work through this with the following example…
Is more money your desired outcome? Why?
I don’t want to have to worry about money again.
Why do you worry about money now?
I can’t afford to travel and see the world like I want to?
Why do you want to travel?
I want to experience the multitude of cultures and see all the beautiful things the world has to offer.
Why do you want to experience these things?
I believe there is more to this life than waking up and going to work everyday to pay for things that only serve as distractions.
Aha! Now we’re getting to the root of what you’re really after. Your life is unfulfilling. So, what’s missing?
I want a life that I can look forward to. A life of adventure, where new experiences help me grow as a person.
This example is meant to illustrate the fact that our want of money is never that simple. Our intentions to acquire more are just ways to chase down a life that is more fulfilling. The intention is still driven by a desire for personal gratification, however now we can understand that it isn’t money we’re after but adventure and experiences in personal growth. This isn’t to say that we should abandon working toward building wealth and retire to the adventurous life of vagabonding, it’s meant to add clarity to the real reason we want more. Knowing this, we can insert adventure or experiences into our life to gain more fulfillment along the way which can also guide our path, instead of material possessions that generally serve as distractions.
291. freedom
There’s a story the great spiritual teacher Osho used to tell about a town he lived in that went bankrupt, and didn’t have enough money to keep its prison open. So, all the town leaders got together to figure out what was to be done with the prisoners. It was decided that after an average of 20 years of imprisonment for the prisoners, their debt to society had been paid, and the easiest solution would be to simply let them all go. And so they were released. But the next day, as the Warden came back to finalize the closure, he found all the prisoners back in their cells, adorned with their shackles as if their freedom had never been granted. Perplexed at the situation, the prisoners were asked why they had returned, and the most common answer was that they couldn’t sleep without the safety of their constraints, and that they had no idea what to do with their freedom.
Too often we’re caught up in the safety of what is familiar. We choose to stay in, or go back to, situations that do not serve us, even when given the opportunity to grow. It’s understandable why this happens — there is comfort in knowing what we’re dealing with — yet, with any appreciable amount of self-reflection, we should all be able to understand why being comfortable in a bad situation is never going to be better than the discomfort of a new one.
In another parable from the middle ages, a notorious thief was taken before the King, who would place judgement upon his crimes. Instead, the King had the thief taken down into the castle’s dungeon, where he was offered a choice of two punishments. He could meet a swift death by being hung upon the gallows, or face what was behind a large, foreboding rusty iron door. Without hesitation, the thief chose the rope. And as the hangman placed the noose around his neck, the thief asked…
“My King, what’s behind that door?”
With a laugh, the King responded, “It is of no concern, as I offer all the same choice, yet everyone chooses the rope.”
As the hangman tighten the noose around the thief’s neck, his vision began to darken, and with his last breath he pleaded again…
“Please, my King, what’s behind that door?”
“Freedom,” the King said with a sigh, “but it seems most people are more afraid of the unknown than death.”
—
There are very few guarantees in this life. But the most powerful among those is our inevitable meet with death, and that we ultimately have the ability to decide how we arrive. So make the choices that serve the person you wish to become, not who you are comfortable with.
285. one key element
Many years ago in the Arizona desert, scientists conducted an experiment known as “Biosphere 2.” It was a huge steel-and-glass enclosure with clean water, air that had been purified, nutrient-rich soil, and plenty of natural light. The idea behind this contraption was to create ideal living conditions for the ecosystem within. And while it was successful in many ways, there was one glaring failure.
As the trees inside the Biosphere grew to a certain height, they would simply fall over, again and again. At first, it was a confusing phenomenon, until scientists came to the realization that one key element was overlooked in the planning and construction of this idyllic environment. Wind. In a natural environment, trees are buffeted by the elements, namely wind. And they respond to that stress and agitation by growing stronger and deeper roots to increase their stability.
Like the trees, if our environment doesn’t challenge us, we’re destined to fall into a certain level of complacency. We waste a lot of energy trying to stay comfortable within our bubble, and in doing so, we fail to realize our potential. Our fear is rooted in the challenges and stressors that come along with change, but it is exactly those situations that are necessary for us to grow.
271. reflections in the mirror
Do we ever really know ourselves? Are we ever really given a chance? From the moment we pop out, and into this world, we’re imprinted with the customs and beliefs of those around us. It makes us who we think we are and from that point forward, life becomes a constant search for mirrors that reflect those original ideals back onto us. But at a certain point, we need to be comfortable enough with ourselves to question the validity of what those mirrors are actually showing us.
Are they reflecting what we want to see because it’s familiar and therefore comfortable, or are they showing us what we need to see in order to grow by challenging our comforts? Chances are, most of us are looking for a reflection that says “I’m okay just as I am. I’m good.” And while I agree that we all need to be comfortable with who we are, it definitely shouldn’t be because anyone else says so.
We have the ability to choose the mirrors we look into, therefore we can always see what we want. But if what is reflected back at us doesn’t challenge us to improve, it isn’t serving us, it is only reconfirming that the beliefs and ideals we already hold are good enough. And that is never gong to allow us to break free from who we’ve been taught to be. We need to seek out and surround ourselves with people or groups who challenge our long held beliefs, and who inspire us to break the mirror we are used to peering into so that we can aspire to be more than a simple reflection of our original ideals.
263. what gives light
If we seek to live a life that is only about pleasure, the moment it ceases to be fun or comfortable, we quit. However, if we can set aside our wish for immediate gratification by choosing to strive for something greater than can be delivered in a moment, we no longer have to fight the dis-ease or dis-comfort of the difficulties that may arise. Instead, we can accept what comes along as small sacrifices on our path toward a purposeful pursuit or a lasting love.
What give’s light, must endure the burning.
260. a bucket of love
We’re attracted to people because they feel familiar.
We’re always trying to find what we didn’t receive from our parents, in people that are just like them. We don’t consciously make the choice to fall for someone just like our mother or father — in fact, if asked, I’m sure we would all agree that when searching for a partner, we want nothing that reminds us of our parents — but subconsciously we gravitate toward those people that most resemble them because the only way we can make sense of this world is by finding someone to fill the holes left by the ones that were most impressionable on us. Whether we are aware of it or not, they remind us of where we came from, what we miss, and what we need to fulfill.
Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. It really comes down to a bit of luck in stumbling on the person that wants to be part of our journey. Because we’re always going to be attracted to a certain type of people, we don’t need to seek them out. However, within that select group of people we gravitate towards, there are going to be a few that can provide us with the comfort we need to feel at home, AND also will work to give us the things that our parents weren’t able to provide.
We enter relationships searching for the love, attention, and admiration we couldn’t get from our parents, all the while oblivious to the fact that we’re looking for these things from the people that most resemble our fucking parents. The sooner we can realize that, the sooner we can understand what we need, what we are willing to put up with, and when we need to get the fuck out. There are going to be people that want to grow with you, and want to make you whole by giving you the things you need, but that isn’t something you should expect or try to force onto them. They have to find it on their own and then want to give it away. It’s beautiful when it happens, but rare because everyone will reach it at a different time. I think that’s one reason why relationships fail, it’s simply bad timing. People aren’t where they need to be to give the other what they need because they haven’t arrived at that point in their journey.
Full disclosure here… and I fucking hate this thought, but coming to this realization may make my life easier. In a parter, I’m looking for something I couldn’t get from my mother, from someone that reminds me of her. And that is fucking hard to say, because I don’t want anyone like her. I’ve swung the complete opposite direction and failed multiple times. But recently, I found this beautiful woman that feels like home, is dead sexy, and makes me feel alive when I’m with her, while at the same time inspires me to be more everyday. She fills me with the comfort of home, while patching up the punctures that had been left in my heart from years of neglect.
I look at it like this… we’re all a bucket full of holes. We enter relationships, dipping our bucket into the water. We feel content for a time because we found someone to fill us up, our bucket is full. But sooner or later if the people we choose aren’t willing, like us, to go on the journey to patch up the holes of our past, then the water quickly drains out, and the relationship fades. It’s rare to find a person that both fills you up and wants to mend your holes. It’s not a very elegant analogy, but you get the point. So, if two people can do this for each other, I can’t think of a better foundation for a relationship. If you can, PLEASE let me know.
249. the ultimate connection
The ultimate connection has us linked together both physically and emotionally. Yet, there are still some people who continue to argue that the more emotionally open and available you are, the worse the sex gets. But how does that even make sense? The more open and honest you are with yourself, the more you can communicate the things you like and wish to see from your partner. Don’t read this the wrong way, carnal pleasures can be great, but they’re limited to their physicality, whereas anyone who has experienced pleasure driven by emotional connection knows that it can be some next level shit.
Study after study show how emotional intimacy increases both sexual desire and sexual libido. And if you really take the time to sit down and think about it, it makes sense. Truly great sex is all rooted in the same categories as emotional intimacy: openness, communication, and trust. Being able to open up so that you can communicate specific desires while trusting your partner isn’t going to think you’re strange or crazy allows for the ultimate connection. Knowing the desires of another and the comfort to explore them openly creates experiences that never stagnate, but instead continue to build upon the last.
Simply put — showing your emotions can lead to some of the best sex of your life. And while we may think that passion and sexual chemistry fade over time, does it really have to? I think that if we can let go of our fears, and stories that prop them up, we will be able to connect on that deep emotional level, allowing us to grow together with each experience so that we can have the best sex of our life each time we have it.
238. thirty day rule
Based on the last 30 days of interacting with your partner, your employer, or any other relationship, would they bring you back for another 30 days or could they find someone better to replace you?
If you are honest with yourself, the likely answer for most of us is “No.” The way you’ve shown up over the last 30 days is out of habit, or fear, or comfort, not the excitement or passion that consumed us over the first 30 days.
You show up day after day because it’s easy. It’s easy because it’s familiar. You can zone out, and make it through the day on autopilot. You are present without really having presence. You’re there, but you’re not because you checked out a long time ago.
Think back to the first interaction with your partner, the first interview for that job you wanted, the first sparks of passion you felt for the commitment you now simply show up for. Think about all the excitement you felt during those first 30 days. Now think about how much of that person still exists today.
Would your partner or employer re-up for another 30 days, based on the last 30?
In speaking on relationships, Esther Perel says that “your partner is a lease, with an option to renew.” Extending that metaphor to the broader context of this post — the relationship, or career path, or any situation you find yourself in is not a life sentence. They’re all experiences we have controlling interest in. There is no obligation to keep going. If the last 30 days aren’t in line with the first what’s the point of continuously renewing. If you aren’t showing up with the same fervor or feeling as you once did maybe it’s time to trade it in.
off topic: saying “i love you”
Saying, “I love you,” never came easy for me. Until it did. Why is that? My previous 2 relationships lasted a total of 15 years, and they had to pry those words out of my mouth. Looking back, I’m pretty confident it wasn’t love I was in, but denial that I had simply grown comfortable in a situation I didn’t want to leave. That’s not love, and it makes sense why the words never came easy. Fast forward to my most current relationship/situation (its complicated, I’ll write a novel about it one day)… I not only want to tell this person I love her, but I want to tell everyone else I love her, also. It’s as cute as it is ridiculous. So what’s the difference? Well, to be honest, I found someone who I want to make happy, whereas before I was looking for someone to make me happy. And that right there makes all-the-fucking-difference.
It’s rare to find someone you genuinely care enough about to break your own heart to let her go so that she can live the life she wants. It’s rare to find someone who inspires you to change your ways so profoundly that it causes you to see the world differently, and yet cannot imagine a world without her. It’s rare to find a person you truly and selflessly want to make happy. I think that’s why I love her, and I find it so very easy to say to her, “I love You.”
Find someone that makes the words come easy.
186. confusing love…
We sometimes confuse love with safety, comfort, or familiarity because we’re afraid of the opposite. We’re scared to death of the consequences that come with the realization that what we now call “love” is just a place holder for an emotion that we no longer know how to describe. It’s not that we never truly loved this person, thing, or way of life, but that somewhere along the line it became tied to our identity, while at the same time, it stops serving us. It became easier to say “I love this or that” than to actually feel it.
We tend to tie our identity to a certain person, passion, or way of life, but when any of these things cease to serve us as they once did and fail to accept the change that needs to be made, we become hardened. As we do, cracks start to form. And that’s were the light gets in, which can be difficult when it starts to produce new emotions — ones that allow us to feel something again, or even for the first time — because it’s conflicting with our established identity or way of life. It’s painfully hard to think of yourself as anything different than what you’ve built yourself to be.
So, how do you reconcile the idea of who you thought you should be against who you are afraid to become? You have to first understand that life isn’t guaranteed; except and accept your past. That the life you’ve lived, and the identity you’ve built has taken you this far — delivering both good times and bad — and perhaps has taken you as far as this iteration of yourself can go. Forcing an identity upon yourself of who you think you should be will never truly serve you or the ones you wish to stay the same for. The world will be best served if you are at your best. This life is about change and transformation, and a large part of that comes with the risk of the unknown, but apprehension is no reason to continue a life that you don’t truly love any longer.
If you come to love something, then have it drift away only to have it resurrected somewhere else, it makes no sense to try to force it upon the first thing to evade the unknowns that come with the second.
168. comfort & safety
We have a tendency to love simplicity. When things work, we are at ease and can find enjoyment in the most mundane of tasks. It’s enjoyable, simply because it is easy. Our mind doesn’t need to stress about confounding variables or unexpected changes. We like to feel as though we have a sense of control over all situations, which is likely why we often choose the options that are familiar to us, even if they aren’t serving us, than to one that may be unfamiliar, yet will better serve us in the long run.
When things are simple, they feel manageable which makes us feel a sense of comfort and safety, but these two things aren’t the same. Comfort is staying in a place where you know how everything will turn out, it’s simple and familiar whether the consequences are good or bad. Safety is stepping away from that place, just enough that you can still see where you came from, but also see the possibilities that may lay ahead if you choose to lose sight of what is comfortable and move forward.
Our entire lives are a balancing act between our comfort zone and safety zone. Learning when to move forward and when to come back, understanding that if we go too far we’ll find the danger zone. The unfortunate thing is, we don’t have time to continuously reevaluate what is safe every time we seek to make a decision, so over time we tend to forget about our safety zone and just pay attention to the comfort zone instead, assuming that what makes us comfortable also makes us safe.
150. mistaken acceptance
Comfort and acceptance have become mistakenly interchangeable. It’s commonly thought that we can all lead greater and more fulfilling lives, if only we were able to accept the things we cannot change instead of allowing them to fill our days with concern, right? Wrong. That is the slippery slope of acceptance.
The vast majority of what we choose to accept, in an effort to preserve a level of comfort, is in fact malleable. Everything from our station in life, career path, relationships with others, financial woes, and even the limits placed upon a supposed disability are changeable. Yet, it is far more comfortable to accept them as they are, than to make a concerted effort to change the situation for the better.
Our belief that something is unchangeable, is simply that; a belief. A story we have constructed for ourselves to find comfort in the “what is.” We are constantly finding bias against the way things could be, and instead opting to find comfort in the way things are. All because it is easier to accept a situation we know, instead of stepping into the unknown to create a life that is far more fulfilling than the one you currently find yourself within. We’re all erroneously choosing to live within the bounds of the old idiom; “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.”
the opposite of humanity isn’t technology, it’s comfort
Modern society is a relative paradise, developed for us, by us, to consume our desires, at the detriment of our evolutionary needs. We no longer need to adapt to the environment, as we have adapted the environment to us. We don’t need to grow or kill or own food, build our dwellings, or defend ourselves from wild animals. We can order almost anything we want, and in as little as 2 hours it will arrive at our front door. In one day, we can travel around the world by plane, or across the country in a self-driving car. When we’re in pain, whether physically or mentally, we have medications to make ourselves numb.
We understand enough about the universe to create a world that is both the most advanced we’ve ever known, and also as far away from the world that made us who we are today. The socially poorest among us are able to enjoy a level of physical comfort that was unimaginable 1000 years ago, and the richest people are literally able to live as the gods were thought to have.
AND YET WE ARE SO FUCKING FRAGILE.
Modernity’s double punishment has served to make our health suffer, yet allow us to live longer at the same time. This comfort has come at a cost. Suffering can be seen through epidemic rates of obesity, heart disease, depression, T2 diabetes, reality television, social unrest, Zoom drinking parties, and an actual epidemic.
What will we learn from this?
Hopefully, we can finally learn the error of our ways. That with each successive generation we are competing with weaker and weaker versions of ourselves. Our children’s generation are the first to have a shorter life expectancy than their parents. This doesn’t bode well for the future of humanity. It is said that the best horses lose when they compete with slower one, and win against better rivals. Undercompensation, combined with the absence of challenging the status quo is a sure fire way to degrade the best of the best.
To end my rant for the day, I will paraphrase the author of Antifragile, Nasim Taleb by saying that just as wind extinguishes a candle, it can also energize a fire. Likewise, the challenges we face are indicative of a crisis, we need to use the clues, not hide from them.