306. change the things you say before you start to believe them
You are not your thoughts. Saying things like “I don’t deserved to be loved” or “my life sucks” doesn’t make it true, yet the more we say these negative things to ourselves, the harder it becomes to not believe them. We’ve all experienced heartbreak, loss, pain, and challenges along the way, but just because those events are in the past doesn’t mean we’re not still holding on to their repercussions in the form of negative self talk.
Those thoughts and feelings of negativity will persist until we learn what we need to change or redefine within ourselves. They serve as a beacon of where we need to place our attention so that the pain can be dealt with and healed. If, for example, you haven’t healed from a poor relationship with your parents, you may develop the mistaken belief that you don’t deserve love, and then continue to find partners who mirror your unresolved issues around love. If we don’t deliberately start changing the things we say to ourselves, we’re destined to repeat and recreate the pain over and over again.
303. speak your truth
How different would our live’s be if we always expressed our true feelings?
It’s likely that the trajectory of our live’s would undergo a drastic change, ultimately guiding us down a path more aligned with who we truly are and providing us with a life that offers more satisfaction than we could have ever previously imagined. And none of that is a bad thing, yet in those moments where we can present our authentic selves to the world we tend to shy away from any honest expression. Maybe it’s for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or being left out, or simply fear of the unknown, but none of those are good excuses to be disingenuous to others, and more importantly to yourself.
The consequence of not speaking your truth is going to weigh heavier on you than the burden of offending someone with your truth. The more you can present your authentic self to the world, the more the world around you will reflect who you truly are. So say what you believe to be true and accept what happens.
280. right person, wrong time
What happens if you find the right person at the wrong time? When I say the right person, I mean someone who you share a connection with that is unlike anything you’ve ever felt before. Exciting, but familiar. Comfortable, but never boring. Inspired, but safe in being who you are. There’s a perfect match in polarity. What you lack is uplifted by the other, and vice versa. Where physical attraction, spiritual passion, and sexual desire only grow deeper with each meeting. And no matter the space in between those shared times together, it’s like no time had passed at all. It’s everything that you read about in love stories and watch in romantic movies come true. Now condense all that down into one person, and that’s what I mean when I say the right person. Such a presence. And so hard to deny.
What if, you find someone who gives you all these things, and who says you do all the same for them, but that person is in a relationship with someone else? And it’s very unlikely that you’ll ever be together to realize your full potential because there are so many variables standing in your way. What is the right course of action for times like this? Am I supposed to walk away because it’s never going to happen or continue to fight for the best feeling I’ve ever had with another human being? It’s sad and tragic to think that the universe would deliver this beautiful person to me, who provides everything I need to be the person I aspire to become, yet I’ll never be able to truly exist with them. It’s the classic case of the “right person at the wrong time.”
249. the ultimate connection
The ultimate connection has us linked together both physically and emotionally. Yet, there are still some people who continue to argue that the more emotionally open and available you are, the worse the sex gets. But how does that even make sense? The more open and honest you are with yourself, the more you can communicate the things you like and wish to see from your partner. Don’t read this the wrong way, carnal pleasures can be great, but they’re limited to their physicality, whereas anyone who has experienced pleasure driven by emotional connection knows that it can be some next level shit.
Study after study show how emotional intimacy increases both sexual desire and sexual libido. And if you really take the time to sit down and think about it, it makes sense. Truly great sex is all rooted in the same categories as emotional intimacy: openness, communication, and trust. Being able to open up so that you can communicate specific desires while trusting your partner isn’t going to think you’re strange or crazy allows for the ultimate connection. Knowing the desires of another and the comfort to explore them openly creates experiences that never stagnate, but instead continue to build upon the last.
Simply put — showing your emotions can lead to some of the best sex of your life. And while we may think that passion and sexual chemistry fade over time, does it really have to? I think that if we can let go of our fears, and stories that prop them up, we will be able to connect on that deep emotional level, allowing us to grow together with each experience so that we can have the best sex of our life each time we have it.
211. thoughts that don’t go away
When we continue to have thoughts or emotions arise within us that don’t match the narrative we’ve laid out for ourselves, it’s important that we pay attention to them. They’re showing up for a reason. It’s a signal from our unconscious mind that there is something in conflict with the path we’re walking. Maybe we’re going the wrong way, or on the wrong path altogether. Don’t ignore them. Bring awareness to these thoughts and emotions. Identify what situations or experiences cause them to come about and consciously take the time to understand their presence.
Often times we continue down a path simply because we’ve been on it for so long; confusing “right” with familiar. All the while dismissing those thoughts and feelings as just part of the process of getting where we think we want to go, without realizing they may be trying to tell us something. Don’t discount their appearance. Call attention to them, otherwise we may find ourselves continuing down the wrong path for the wrong reasons.
181. silence
It’s only in silence that we can truly hear ourselves.
When our mind is quiet, there is a reckoning. What arises within that void, sometimes painful, uncomfortable, or challenging, is what holds the key to unlocking the next version of ourselves. We need to bring our attention to whatever comes about in those times of silence. Exploring those manifestations will allow us to overcome the challenges they continue to create and fully experience the feelings we continuously try to distract ourselves from.
“Being silent,” as Lori Gottlieb put in her book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, “is like emptying the trash.” When you stop filling up your empty spaces with shit that doesn’t matter — input from friends/family, social media, news — you can begin to see what is truly important.
Pay attention.
65. emotions are just a gauge
The emotions we feel serve as a gauge for what is happening in our life, not as a guiding light. Just like the gauges on your Uber drivers dashboard allow us to know how fast we’re going, how hot the engine is running, and how far we’ve traveled. Emotions are feedback from the situations we find ourselves in, letting us know that things things are or aren’t working out well. However, it is a mistake to blindly let emotions dictate your responses to those situations.
There is a protocol pilots know about when they’re in flight called “flying on instruments,” which basically means the visibility outside the plane is so low — due to fog or various other types of inclement weather — that the only way to continue flying is to rely on the instrument panel they have directly in from of them, instead of a clear line of sight. By doing this, a pilot surrenders a certain amount of control over the situation to what the instruments are telling him. Emotions arise in a “stormy” situation, just like the need to “fly on instruments” during inclement weather. But, when you let emotions take over, you can’t clearly see the situation for what it is. You relinquish the control you have over choosing to objectively see how things are impacting your path forward, blindly letting your emotions control your way forward, just like the pilot on a stormy night.
You don’t blame the air speed indicator for how fast or slow you’re cruising through the air. You know the speed you’re traveling is controlled by how much pressure you give to the handles providing the thrust. You don’t blame the fuel indicator for running out of gas. You know you need to put in a certain amount of fuel to get you to go where you need to go, or you’d fall out of the sky! The gauges are like emotions. They simply let us know how things are going.
Letting your emotions run the show is akin to flying on instruments, also known as “flying blind.” It’s a reaction to the moment you find yourself in, but it’s very hard to land a plane successfully. That storm of emotion doesn’t always allow you to make the best decisions. It’s easier to fly on a clear day because clarity in action allows us to see the best route forward.
Allowing the emotions that arise from getting flipped off in traffic or being reprimanded for poor work performance should not serve as a guide to your next action, but to gauge that your actions aren’t in line with what you should be doing. Letting anger, shame, resentment, embarrassment, etc. dictate the response to a situation is equivalent to trying to land a plane blindfolded. You’re blaming the symptom for the root cause of the problem when it could simply be that you’re actually a terrible driver or aren’t as productive at work as you think you are.
It’s a difficult matter to confront, but we all need to be check from time to time, because that is how we grow. Besides, isn’t that better information? Choosing to be offended because someone nonverbally suggested that you’re a bad driver is insignificant to the actual understanding that you many actually drive like shit. Choosing to resent your boss for bringing up that you failed to hit you numbers is irrelevant to the understanding that you are in control of your performance. The former state of mind keep you where you are, while the latter enables you to grow.
This is why emotional awareness is key on your journey to becoming the person you wish to be. Allowing the feelings that come up during any given situation to dictate your response is only going to keep you a slave to those emotions. All experiences are learning experiences. Learning to let those emotion serve as a gauge that something needs to change, instead of a green light for your first thought of action, will produce a much more powerful outcome.