310. soulmate
The modern idea of the soulmate is a yearning for connection and love that people in the ancient past would have sought through a connection with a higher power. It seems like a more appropriate path for this impulse to be guided along.
If we make a person a soulmate or a redeemer, what are we going to do when they let us down? What is a relationship, other than a reflection of ourselves? Do we ever really know a person or only the aspects of them you interact with. I’m sure we all know someone where we’ve been surprised to find they had a second life. But why? We’re always changing.
The idea of a soulmate is the materialization of an impulse that belongs in the realm of the sublime. It shouldn’t be epitomized. It shouldn’t be symbolized. It has to be lived. We can’t continually look for objects of fulfillment, whether they be relationships or possessions. Instead we need to look within ourselves, and understand we are beings in a constant state of flux. There is no self to label, no soulmate to anoint because we are constantly changing. There is no we, me, or you. We are continually evolving, remodeling, and growing with every moment and experience.
298. a world of comparison
We live in a world of comparison, always judging the present version of ourselves against the polished postings we see on social media, or the glamour that is celebrity culture. The unfortunate fact is that somewhere along the line we lost sight of what is truly important, that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but where you water it. Therefore, comparison only robs us of the joy of being ourselves.
Growing up in a society based on selling you an idea of never being enough has led us to believe that if we make enough money to buy that next thing, or lose enough weight to look like that person, or establish a following on any given platform, we can attain some sense of joy, happiness, or fulfillment. But in our efforts to model our lives after those we admire — likely for the wrong reasons — all that joy, happiness, and fulfillment can get sucked right out of us. Our journey can be influenced by those we see, but it shouldn’t be blindly followed. Instead, we would serve our future-selves much better if we focused on our journey, ours alone.
289. filled with doubt
One of our ego’s favorite paths of resistance is to fill us with doubt. It stems from issues with self-esteem, and a fear of not having an ability to succeed with our endeavors. Instead of helping us rise to the occasion, it says “You don’t need this challenge, you are perfect as you are. It’s not you who needs to change, but everyone else.”
Said aloud, this sounds rather ridiculous, but believe it or not, this is how most people’s subconscious mind works in day-to-day life. Our biggest problem, as Ram Dass put’s it, is that we’re “too busy holding onto our unworthiness.”
In other words, our ego keeps us stuck in the safest possible place. One that never challenges, but always confirms. It is resistant to change because change means the death of a certain identity — a.k.a. our ego. But for any of us to build a life we want, we’re going to have to face the fears that our ego set in place — one’s of not being good enough to succeed — so that we can eventually learn what it takes to be good enough, at which point the ego that held us back will cease to exist.
283. two journey’s
We take two journey’s.
The first is the Hero’s Journey, popularized by Joseph Campbell. It takes us from believing that we are what our parents or society told us to be, to shedding those ideals, and going through the process of uncovering who we truly are, where we eventually take on a new identity.
The second, is that of the Artist’s Journey. It’s what Steven Pressfield refers to as “bringing our gift to the world.” It’s the act of living our purpose. It’s the special thing we uncovered in the process of completing the Hero’s Journey that inspires us to show up in the world, and is what provides for the Artist’s Journey to take place. For example, if we find that expressing ourselves through the medium of writing is what allows us to be the person we want to be, then writing is what we need to do. The Artist’s Journey is about showing up in the world and using that special thing that motivates you to be creative or productive.
Think of it like this… the first half of our lives we are creating a vessel to be filled, and in the second — after we know what it takes to live with purpose and find fulfillment in our actions — we fill the vessel.
Both journey’s are of equal challenge and importance, but the sooner we can build our vessel, the sooner we can live with purpose.
273. what caused the pain
Chances are we’re all going to get hurt at some point. To cope, we’ll go down different paths to find relief. In some cases it will create addictive behaviors or the reliance on a vice to the point where it raises concerns within the people who care about us the most. In response, those that care, make an effort to help by offering advice and support. And while well intentioned, attempts at inquiring about an addiction or trying to educate on the issues that a vice has been shown to cause is a mistake.
When we’re experiencing emotional pain, we’re looking to disassociate from what is causing it. We no longer want to be ourselves, so we seek escape, and unfortunately the routes we choose are often something worse. But the thing is, we’re all aware of the consequences, so it never becomes a matter of “let’s talk about the consequences of your addictive behavior.” It’s that the only escape from one sensation, is to search for a more extreme one that has the power to take us away and relieve the weight that is crushing us.
No amount of inquiry or education around the bad habits we’ve picked up as a coping mechanism will help us overcome them. What is needed is a genuine pursuit of why we resorted to the things we did. We need to stop asking about the addiction or vice, and start asking about what caused the pain. The only way we can help people heal from their bad habits is to understand how they started.
271. reflections in the mirror
Do we ever really know ourselves? Are we ever really given a chance? From the moment we pop out, and into this world, we’re imprinted with the customs and beliefs of those around us. It makes us who we think we are and from that point forward, life becomes a constant search for mirrors that reflect those original ideals back onto us. But at a certain point, we need to be comfortable enough with ourselves to question the validity of what those mirrors are actually showing us.
Are they reflecting what we want to see because it’s familiar and therefore comfortable, or are they showing us what we need to see in order to grow by challenging our comforts? Chances are, most of us are looking for a reflection that says “I’m okay just as I am. I’m good.” And while I agree that we all need to be comfortable with who we are, it definitely shouldn’t be because anyone else says so.
We have the ability to choose the mirrors we look into, therefore we can always see what we want. But if what is reflected back at us doesn’t challenge us to improve, it isn’t serving us, it is only reconfirming that the beliefs and ideals we already hold are good enough. And that is never gong to allow us to break free from who we’ve been taught to be. We need to seek out and surround ourselves with people or groups who challenge our long held beliefs, and who inspire us to break the mirror we are used to peering into so that we can aspire to be more than a simple reflection of our original ideals.
267. flip the script
Most of us are so immersed in our concept of the world, so unconscious of the narrative we have constructed for ourselves, that we aren’t aware it’s just a script continuously running through our minds. We believe our script is a representation of “us” or our “true selves,” but in reality, it is just our thoughts. We feel so strongly about their truth because we practice these thoughts and ideas all day long, reinforcing their assimilation into our identity with each passing day.
It’s not obvious — until it’s pointed out — that we are not our thoughts, but we practice them so much that we start to identify with their meaning. We practice them from the time we get up in the morning, to the time we go to bed in the evening. And they’re even reinforced in our dreams as we sleep. We practice our thoughts so consistently, and for so long, that we get to the point where we aren’t even aware we are practicing them. We label these thoughts as “us,” but they’re not — they’re just something we’re thinking.
It’s important to understand that we are the thinker of our thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. A lot of the time, the thoughts and ideas that have defined who we are and how we approach the world are simply remnants of a past experience that is no longer serving us. Pay attention to the thoughts that come up automatically, you’re bound to realize that many of them are just part of the script you’ve been running forever.
265. reflection
Most people attach their sense of self-worth to the values and expectations placed upon them by their family or religious belief systems. But as these institutions fade away, each of us is charged with creating our own identity, and the burden has never been heavier. The situation leaves us with no guide or model to follow, so we constantly stare at ourselves in the mirror, negotiating our sense of self-worth and who we’re supposed to be.
Sociologist Eva Illouz points out that “the only place where you hope to stop that evaluation is in love. In love you become the winner of the contest, the first and only.” Being in love has the tendency to show us who we are, and more importantly who we can be. It inspires us. It breaks the old mirror we’re used to seeing ourselves in, dissolving the negotiation of who we should be, and replacing it with the idea of who we need to be in the eyes of the person we love.
259. programmed
All our problems start in childhood. And it’s not just the fault of our parents, it’s also the things that happened at school and with our peers. Anything that happened before that transitionary age of 18, pretty much cemented the way we’ve thought and acted ever since.
The trauma we made it through isn’t who we are, but it did program us to see and approach the world in a certain way. Until we realize that there is a difference between what happened and what we understood it to be, we will be stuck viewing our future through the lens of the past. It can keep us from taking necessary risks, standing up for ourselves, asking for the things we deserve, and working hard to get the things we want.
Being stuck in the past is what stops our growth, and keeps us from the life we keep saying we want to have. At a certain point, we all need to realize it’s no longer good enough to look in the mirror and simply think “this is who I am.” We all need to be willing to break the mirror to see what’s on the other side, and redefine our lives from where we are today.
225. tribes
We used to be born into tribes. We didn’t have to find people from other countries or walks of life that share our values or ideas, and then try to create our own. We had very little choice in the matter, but what it gave us was a sense of belonging, identity, and continuity.
We didn’t have to figure out who we were because being born into a tribe inherently meant… “I know who I am, because I know who I am a part of.”
We didn’t have to wonder what to do because the tribe would automatically dictate our approach… “I know what to do, because, I do what I am told.”
We didn’t have to worry about finding purpose because our relationships were organized in a way that gave us a sense of duty and obligation… “I am happy when I fulfill the tasks that are expected of me.”
We weren’t raised for autonomy. We weren’t raised to use our words to say what we want. We were raised to know what other people want from us. Despite the gap in time, we are, to a large extent, still these people.
In the transition from childhood to adulting we are thrust into a world of autonomy, and most of us have no idea how to find our place in the modern world. Hence, the boom in the self-help book genre. We’re all looking to find our place. We have never been more free to make our own decisions, yet more alone in the process.
So, how can we overcome this challenge?
Unfortunately, I don’t see that there is any “quick fix” because, in a way, the whole concept of autonomy is going against human nature. We exist to work together. However, in finding your tribe, I think the best approach for any of us will be to focus more on ways of showing the world who you are comfortable being, rather than trying to find somewhere you’d like to fit in. Your tribe should gravitate toward you, not the other way around.
In essence, this whole concept of starting this blog and sharing my ideas is a way to find my place in the world. To work out my ideas and hopefully find others along the way. All we can really do is try, learn, adapt, and grow. And eventually, if we show up consistently, and with conviction, we’re bound to find our tribe.
223. memories of yesterday
For our life to progress, it’s necessary to abandon things we’ve become to create space for a better version of what will be. With that loss, we see old opinions, strategies, and relationships wither. Just as likely as those memories fade, so too, does the identity of who we used to be. It’s transformation. With each passing day, a part of us is gone. Left in the memory of yesterday. While the rest, and hopefully the best parts of us, move on with the freedom to create a better tomorrow.
Don’t be afraid to let go, but understand that nothing on our path toward progress is absolute. Pay attention to the memories of yesterday. Walk confidently away from the memories that fade, as the events they’re linked to have served their purpose in progressing our story. And for the ones that continue to reverberate, be aware that they may actually be a necessary part of building our better tomorrow.
216. labels
Instead of rising to difficult situations, we often fall to the labels we apply to ourselves. For instance, we’ll say “I’m an introvert,” to justify our lack of openness or willingness to try new things. We avoid new experiences, conflict, and anything that runs contradictory to that label, ultimately boxing ourselves into a particular narrative. This only stunts our ability to grow, with every challenging interaction serving as a way to reinforce the idea we have about ourselves. So, if we are going to use labels to identify ourselves, we have to be careful to choose ones that open us up, instead of keeping us closed off.
210. avoiding death
Death is inextricably connected to being alive, and yet, everyone is desperately trying to avoid it. Those who hold on to their identity the tightest, are the ones that become the most rigid in life — whether ideologically, emotionally, or spiritually. As they grow they become stubborn in their opinions, becoming stuck with the burden of being right, refusing certain ideas or ways of life that are no longer serving them die. All this becomes a reinforcement of a certain narrative that was unconsciously created as a reaction to external fears and threats of change, which stems from a mechanism to preserve a familiar identity they’ve created. And the reason they’re still walking the path of their own narrative wondering why they don’t find joy and connection in life.
If the things we’re telling ourselves aren’t delivering the results we want, then maybe we are listening to the wrong story.
194. in line
Are your goals in line with our values?
You have to remember that if you say “yes” to one thing, most likely you’re saying “no” to someone or something else. It’s not necessarily good or bad, right or wrong, it’s just what it is.
That decision in itself helps clarify your values, and understand your priorities. Both of which lead to your identity, and the way the world sees you.
If you are acting in congruence with your values, ideally those values are tied to the person you want to become. So, in practice; instead of trying to be somebody that tries to do something, become that person who does it. Instead of thinking it’s important for me to go workout, think I’m the person who works out. By simply reframing the language you start to become that person, and because we inevitably are what we do, sometimes we just need a little change in language to set us off in the right direction.
186. confusing love…
We sometimes confuse love with safety, comfort, or familiarity because we’re afraid of the opposite. We’re scared to death of the consequences that come with the realization that what we now call “love” is just a place holder for an emotion that we no longer know how to describe. It’s not that we never truly loved this person, thing, or way of life, but that somewhere along the line it became tied to our identity, while at the same time, it stops serving us. It became easier to say “I love this or that” than to actually feel it.
We tend to tie our identity to a certain person, passion, or way of life, but when any of these things cease to serve us as they once did and fail to accept the change that needs to be made, we become hardened. As we do, cracks start to form. And that’s were the light gets in, which can be difficult when it starts to produce new emotions — ones that allow us to feel something again, or even for the first time — because it’s conflicting with our established identity or way of life. It’s painfully hard to think of yourself as anything different than what you’ve built yourself to be.
So, how do you reconcile the idea of who you thought you should be against who you are afraid to become? You have to first understand that life isn’t guaranteed; except and accept your past. That the life you’ve lived, and the identity you’ve built has taken you this far — delivering both good times and bad — and perhaps has taken you as far as this iteration of yourself can go. Forcing an identity upon yourself of who you think you should be will never truly serve you or the ones you wish to stay the same for. The world will be best served if you are at your best. This life is about change and transformation, and a large part of that comes with the risk of the unknown, but apprehension is no reason to continue a life that you don’t truly love any longer.
If you come to love something, then have it drift away only to have it resurrected somewhere else, it makes no sense to try to force it upon the first thing to evade the unknowns that come with the second.
177. more information doesn’t help
Most of us know what things we need to do to improve our situation. We know that eating bad food isn’t going to help us lose weight. That working more isn’t going to help us catch up on our sleep. And that spending money isn’t the quickest way to financial freedom. Yet, even though we want to be in shape, well rested, and financially stable, we fail to carry out the very things that would make those things happen.
We stand in the way of our own progress because the path we’re on is familiar. Familiarity is comfortable. It’s proven to be the path of least resistance for the life and identity we’ve created. But that path we’re on is directed by the story we continue to tell ourselves. And it’s always going to be easier to simply repeat or retell our story, than it will be to rewrite the narrative and institute the change we desire.
More information doesn’t help, until you begin to change the narrative you live by.
164. end the chapter…
Nothing last forever, so stop wasting your time on the things that no longer serve the purpose they once did. We progress through this life by seeking out, and sometimes stumbling upon, things that made us better versions of ourselves. What we fail to recognize is that after a time, we learn the lesson these things have presented, after which they no longer serve a purpose other than to perhaps remind us who we are or where we came from. We hold on to them because they have become a part of our identity and the story we tell ourselves. We forget that these things only serve a purpose for a finite amount of time before their usefulness wears out, at which point, they only keep us from progressing to the next stage in our lives.
Holding on most likely won’t hurt us, but no one truly wants to remain stagnant, it’s just that sometimes it’s more comfortable. We need to understand that if it’s not making us better, by challenging or assisting us, then it is only keeping us from becoming better.
Holding on to something that got us this far is never going to create the awareness necessary to take you to the next stages in our personal growth. It’s holding us back because we’re holding on to what it used to be, to what it used to mean to us, or to how it used to make us feel. While nostalgia can be great, it doesn’t make us better, it simply allows us to revisit a time when a certain love, hobby, interest, position, habit, or time in our lives preceded a reason for change.
Coming to the realization that the idea, persona, or concept we continue to hold onto is no longer serving us is sometimes difficult to come to terms with because it has become a part of us. It is what made us who we are by shaping our approach to life up until this point. Separating yourself from the thing/s that brought you to this point in your life will be hard, but it is necessary for growth to continue. Sometimes we need to end the chapter so that we can continue the story.
112. identity
One thing people don’t think about is how they have assumed a particular identity. We think we freely define ourselves, when in fact, we are the sum of where we place our attention. Everything from the harping of our parents and the influence of cultural norms, to the constant messages of inadequacy we hear from social media and television.
All these things have embedded us with a certain identity. The hardest thing to do is enable a person to see themselves as who they are, not who they’ve been taught to be. Identity, by it’s very nature, is manmade and exclusive. If you’ve been socialized to identify as poor based on where you come from or what you look like, you are no longer rich. The same goes for if you’ve been convinced you’re fat, you no longer can perceive yourself as skinny. All these little words we use to identify and define ourselves only put us in a box, they don’t free us. They don’t give us the power to see ourselves as who we are — completely free to do and be whatever we want, no matter our starting point — and therefore keep us confined to living a life within the limits of the words we use to define ourselves. These words impact our decisions and are the underlying force that drives our inner narrative in a particular direction. So, it becomes very important to understand where you’re placing your attention because it has the power to create or reinforce an identity that really isn’t who you are.