337. letting go
For those who hang on to things forever, it’s important to realize that at a very fundamental level, our role as humans is to grow. And the only way for that to happen is by letting go of the people, ideas, habits, etc. that no longer serve us and the person we wish to be.
You may want to be loved by this person, or continue to practice a certain habit but it’s not the person or the habit that you want, it’s the result of those experiences we’re after. Holding on to things that no longer take us in the direction we want to go, only keeps us from arriving at the destination we want so badly.
Letting go provides us with the space to develop new relationships, learn new lessons, and create new opportunities so that we find the things we’re after. This isn’t to say that the process isn’t without heartache or strain, but it sometimes becomes a necessary part. Whenever we find the strength to let go, we open ourselves up to possibility — a place where we originally found the thing/s we current find ourselves having trouble living without — which is where we always find something new and wonderful within the space we created.
306. change the things you say before you start to believe them
You are not your thoughts. Saying things like “I don’t deserved to be loved” or “my life sucks” doesn’t make it true, yet the more we say these negative things to ourselves, the harder it becomes to not believe them. We’ve all experienced heartbreak, loss, pain, and challenges along the way, but just because those events are in the past doesn’t mean we’re not still holding on to their repercussions in the form of negative self talk.
Those thoughts and feelings of negativity will persist until we learn what we need to change or redefine within ourselves. They serve as a beacon of where we need to place our attention so that the pain can be dealt with and healed. If, for example, you haven’t healed from a poor relationship with your parents, you may develop the mistaken belief that you don’t deserve love, and then continue to find partners who mirror your unresolved issues around love. If we don’t deliberately start changing the things we say to ourselves, we’re destined to repeat and recreate the pain over and over again.
293. trapped by choice
In his book Civilized to Death, author Chris Ryan tells the following story…
“Years ago a man sitting next to me on the train in India explained how his grandfather had hunted monkeys in the hills of Calcutta. He made a small wooden box with a round hole on the side. Before attaching the top, he placed a mango in the box, then strapped it to a tree, where a passing monkey would smell the mango and reach into the box through the hole. But the mangos are too large to pull out through the hole. So the monkey faced a dilemma: let go of the mango and be on its way, or sit there, holding the uneaten fruit, until the hunter came along to capture it.”
The man goes on to say that these “traps” were very effective. But why?
It’s ridiculous to think that any creature would willingly hold onto something — therefore securing its fate — rather than to let it go. But much like the monkey, our actions are very similar. We often want something so much, it can become detrimental to us. We’re attached to how a person made us feel, or the promise of an idea. Whether it’s holding on to a past relationship, or the belief that more money will solve all our problems — these are just metaphorical mangos we’re grasping for. They are a trap, only inasmuch as we believe that what we’re grasping is the only choice we have. But at some point, we need to realize that holding on to what isn’t going to work is more detrimental to us than any pain it will cause us to let go.
It’s a choice.
275. the average
We all exist as potential. Most of the time we don’t realize what we can be because we’re too stuck in the ways we were. It’s hard to get out of the loop of doing what’s familiar so that we can realize what else is possible. Part of that process is becoming vulnerable enough to recognize our faults and want to improve upon them.
Another part is having people in our lives who inspire us to make those changes because they themselves are doing the same. As the saying goes; “we are the average of the 5 people we spend most of our time with.” So if those people aren’t reflecting the values and aspirations we hold highest in ourselves or pushing us to realize our potential, then most likely they are holding us back from realizing it. And I think the hardest part about this is that it isn’t unique to friends, it is all encompassing from family members, to significant others, to business partners. Sometimes who we have in our lives, isn’t who should be there.
257. if you love something
We’ve all heard the saying… “if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” But what if I let go of something I love, only to have it return and then leave again? How many times does this sequence need to repeat before it realizes it’s mine, and I don’t have to be okay with letting it go again? Because there is so much nuance to each individual situation, it’s hard to paint an answer in broad strokes of black or white.
Love can be complicated, not in the sense of developing the feeling, but that once discovered, that emotion doesn’t always have room to grow due to the previous responsibilities or limitations of the life we, or the people we have come to love, have chosen. That’s what leads to the conflict, and incites the saying.. “if you love something let it go…” allowing for the other to figure out what is best for them, and we can do that because there is no judgement in love. So, I guess there is truth to the saying, but at what point do we accept the magnetism? How many times does the world need to spin upon itself to bring two people together before they finally realize they need to stop fucking around with fate?
223. memories of yesterday
For our life to progress, it’s necessary to abandon things we’ve become to create space for a better version of what will be. With that loss, we see old opinions, strategies, and relationships wither. Just as likely as those memories fade, so too, does the identity of who we used to be. It’s transformation. With each passing day, a part of us is gone. Left in the memory of yesterday. While the rest, and hopefully the best parts of us, move on with the freedom to create a better tomorrow.
Don’t be afraid to let go, but understand that nothing on our path toward progress is absolute. Pay attention to the memories of yesterday. Walk confidently away from the memories that fade, as the events they’re linked to have served their purpose in progressing our story. And for the ones that continue to reverberate, be aware that they may actually be a necessary part of building our better tomorrow.
220. what really matters
We’ve all had our share of conflict. “Should I do this? or Should I do that?” Most often, we base our decisions on the most familiar option, not because it’s what we’re truly after any longer, so much as it’s the option where we know what to expect. It’s a safe choice, but not necessarily the right one for us.
All choice comes with an element of uncertainty. There is difficulty in saying “yes” to one thing, because it means saying “no” to another. In other words, in choosing one thing, we lose out on another. If everything align perfectly, we would never find ourselves in such a perplexing situation, as the answers would always be obvious. Yet, when they aren’t, their conflict upon our narrative comes in full force.
So, how do we determine what actually matters, and make the right choice for ourselves? We have to think about what we currently know today. With that information we have to ask ourselves… “if I wasn’t already invested in this business/relationship/career, would I invest in it today?”
It’s easy to think about all the time and effort we’ve placed into a particular endeavor and equate switching directions or quitting to throwing it all away, but we can’t look at it like that. We’ve have to understand that our journey was never set in stone. The steps we took to arrive at this point in our lives were all necessary to create the person we are, but that doesn’t mean continuing down the same path will continue to serve us. Hence, the conflict.
Joseph Campbell once said that, “we must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so that we can accept the life that is waiting for us.” In a sense, what we hold on to, can sometimes be what is holding us back.
Conflict arrises for a reason. Pay attention. It brings awareness to what is and isn’t working to deliver us toward the life that is waiting for us. So, that brings us back to the question.. if you weren’t already invested in (insert the thing you are so conflicted over) , would you currently invest all your time and energy into it?
164. end the chapter…
Nothing last forever, so stop wasting your time on the things that no longer serve the purpose they once did. We progress through this life by seeking out, and sometimes stumbling upon, things that made us better versions of ourselves. What we fail to recognize is that after a time, we learn the lesson these things have presented, after which they no longer serve a purpose other than to perhaps remind us who we are or where we came from. We hold on to them because they have become a part of our identity and the story we tell ourselves. We forget that these things only serve a purpose for a finite amount of time before their usefulness wears out, at which point, they only keep us from progressing to the next stage in our lives.
Holding on most likely won’t hurt us, but no one truly wants to remain stagnant, it’s just that sometimes it’s more comfortable. We need to understand that if it’s not making us better, by challenging or assisting us, then it is only keeping us from becoming better.
Holding on to something that got us this far is never going to create the awareness necessary to take you to the next stages in our personal growth. It’s holding us back because we’re holding on to what it used to be, to what it used to mean to us, or to how it used to make us feel. While nostalgia can be great, it doesn’t make us better, it simply allows us to revisit a time when a certain love, hobby, interest, position, habit, or time in our lives preceded a reason for change.
Coming to the realization that the idea, persona, or concept we continue to hold onto is no longer serving us is sometimes difficult to come to terms with because it has become a part of us. It is what made us who we are by shaping our approach to life up until this point. Separating yourself from the thing/s that brought you to this point in your life will be hard, but it is necessary for growth to continue. Sometimes we need to end the chapter so that we can continue the story.