off topic: fight club
Here's my mildly cryptic proposition for a Fight Club... You have to accept that the "normal" way of life (the status quo) is never going to allow you to become the best version of yourself. That the only way forward is to passionately focus on completing the work necessary to illuminate, correct, and construct a new narrative that directs you towards the life you want. Whatever it is, you'll need to remove the blinders sold by reductionistic thinking and open yourself up to the multitude of inputs that allow for a compound effect (1+1+1>3). The mind, the body, and the spirit, singularly mean nothing, but when strengthened simultaneously create more than the sum of their parts. Fight Club seeks to build an undefeatable belief in the self, drawn from the ability to learn from the struggles (physical, mental, & emotional) life bestows upon you, and intentionally take action in accordance with the sovereign individual you wish to be.
Accountability is a pledge to your future self.
Respect is never forgetting the fundamentals.
Education never stops and is always moving.
Health is a vehicle for all performance.
Virtue is only recognized by the strength of ability.
Fear is a bastion for conformity.
Rules:
1. Start where you are.
2. Take action (fight, read, lift, nourish, create, recover).
3. Be better than yesterday.
Fight against mediocrity to live your best life.
339. go your own way
One if the hardest parts about life is that many of us are scared to be ourselves. Instead, we try to fit into a box or narrative established by someone else because we’ve been convinced this is better than anything we can do on our own. In either case, we often try to mold our actions, thoughts, and opinions in an attempt to align with the values of our chosen group. In the process of believing that no group, organization, or entity will accept us in our entirety, we continually end up shaving off parts of ourselves just to gain acceptance. But who is is that they are accepting? It’s certainly not us in our totality. And, if we can’t be accepted for who we are, what’s the point?
There’s really only a few choices for those of us who find it hard to be ourselves; conformity, silence, or to go your own way. Conformity, in any situation, and on any issue that you don’t hold to be a genuine truth is a betrayal of yourself as an individual, which is ultimately a shot through your own heart. Silence does the same thing, as our hearts are always paying attention — aware that our words and actions aren’t in accordance to our values, yet are kept sealed just so we can get along. The only option left is to go your own way. This one takes a long time to build — through trials and tribulation — enough confidence to stand alone with conviction and march toward a virtuous existence. In the process we will likely be battered and bruised, but at least you will be you.
337. letting go
For those who hang on to things forever, it’s important to realize that at a very fundamental level, our role as humans is to grow. And the only way for that to happen is by letting go of the people, ideas, habits, etc. that no longer serve us and the person we wish to be.
You may want to be loved by this person, or continue to practice a certain habit but it’s not the person or the habit that you want, it’s the result of those experiences we’re after. Holding on to things that no longer take us in the direction we want to go, only keeps us from arriving at the destination we want so badly.
Letting go provides us with the space to develop new relationships, learn new lessons, and create new opportunities so that we find the things we’re after. This isn’t to say that the process isn’t without heartache or strain, but it sometimes becomes a necessary part. Whenever we find the strength to let go, we open ourselves up to possibility — a place where we originally found the thing/s we current find ourselves having trouble living without — which is where we always find something new and wonderful within the space we created.
336. perfect problems
The only problems we have left are the perfect ones. We’ve found solutions to all the others.
It’s the perfect problems that keep us stuck. They’re perfect because they have built-in constraints that keep us trapped in a situation. I hate my job, but I need it. I don’t like being overweight, but I’ve tried everything. We erect boundaries that keep us from seeing the solutions on the other side.
We mistakenly think there’s no way to solve a perfect problem, but in reality, the solution stands behind the boundaries we’ve created. If we can understand this, then the only logical thing to do is destroy those boundaries, and find the solution that lays behind it.
The only way to solve a perfect problem is to make it imperfect. Tear down the boundaries. Eliminate the constraints. Put in your two weeks tomorrow. Put down the food you know isn’t good for you, and only eat what you cook from scratch.
A radical shift in approach is the only alternative to a slow and agonizing march to unhappiness. The only way to get unstuck from a perfect problem is to blow up the boundaries that have been setup, deal with the pain in the short-term, and then run forward, as fast as we can.
335. normalizing fear
We’re all afraid of something, and that’s okay because it can be a powerful motivator. However, if we normalize any of our fears, our attention gradually comes to rest more on what we don’t want than what we do. We are ultimately what we pay attention to.
The things we don’t want continuously run through our mind as we say, “I don’t want to be poor.” “I don’t want to be sick.” “I don’t want to be alone.” They replay so often that we eventually develop a relationship with them.
In those moments of “I don’t want,” the mind can’t distinguish between what you want and what you don’t. It only knows what you’re interested in. And, if we continue to focus our attention on destitution, sickness, and solitude that is what we will manifest. These types of thoughts leave no room for the mind to bring our attention toward wealth, health, and love.
In the end, you get what you focus on. Stop placing all your attention on what you don’t want to happen and begin to focus your attention on what you would like to see unfold in your life. Stop placing a negative bias on your “what if’s.” Instead of saying “what if I end up poor,” “what if I end up sick,” “what if I end up alone,” start saying “what if I end up wealthy, with an abundance of health and love.”
Each of us has to understand that we don’t describe what we see, we see what we describe. The sooner we understand this fundamental principle, the sooner we can change the situation we find ourselves in.
334. inherited outlook
Scientists originally believed that it was strictly our parents’ genes that became the blueprint for what would eventually become us, and that with just the right amount of guidance and nutrition, we would develop seamlessly according to plan. But newer research is showing that the person you have become is predicated more on the history of your parents — and perhaps more astonishingly, their parents — than simply the environment you grew up in.
In his book, It Didn’t Start with You, Mark Wolynn states that “the history you share with your family begins before you are even conceived. In your earliest biological form, as an unfertilized egg, you already share a cellular environment with your mother and grandmother… This means that before your mother was even born, your mother, your grandmother, and the earliest traces of you were all in the same body — three generations sharing the same biological environment.1 This isn’t a new idea; embryology textbooks have told us as much for more than a century. Your inception can be similarly traced in your lateral line. The precursor cells of the sperm you developed from were present in your father when he was a fetus in his mother’s womb.”2
While the particulars of the events that shaped the lives of your parents may be obscured from your vision, the residual impact of those particulars is what shapes your being as you come into existence. It’s not what you inherit from your parents, but also how they were treated throughout their lives, up until you are conceived. Everything along the way, crossing multiple generations, influences how you relate to a partner, the world around you, and the children you conceive. And for better or worse, research indicates your parents tend to pass on the parenting that they themselves received.
So, when it comes to figuring yourself out and why you feel or react a certain way about something, look back to connect the dots of your lineage rather than feel powerless about how you feel. Most of our patterns and approaches to the world begin to form before we’re even born. Looking back can provide clarity about why we do the things we do by helping us understand that our “foundation” is laid by the generational experiences that preceded it.
————
C. E. Finch and J. C. Loehlin, “Environmental Influences That May Precede Fertilization: A First Examination of the Prezygotic Hypothesis from Maternal Age Influences on Twins,” Behavioral Genetics 28(2) (1998): 101.
Thomas W. Sadler, Langman’s Medical Embryology, 9th ed. (Baltimore: Lippincott Williams & Wilkins, 2009), 13.
327. exhale
We’re all waiting for inspiration to strike so that we can finally do that thing we’ve been waiting for. But is that the best way?
Inspiration generally means “something that stimulates you into action,” and at the same time it also means to “breathe in.” Both meanings poetically intertwine if we think of ourselves as breathing in thoughts, concepts, and theories that serve to fill our mind with new ideas. Endlessly scrolling through our newsfeed, we inhale countless images, memes, quotes, podcasts, and articles, all with the intention to inspire us into action. Yet, no matter how much we inhale, the majority of us never get enough. We’re always looking for more, thinking that there is something else out there that we haven’t found, and will be the ONE THING we’re after.
Our capacity to continuously breathe in, and in, and in can only get us so far before we must breathe out. But it’s in that exhalation where we find what we’re after.
Nothing is going to be as truly inspiring as the action you take after exhaling all the new ideas we’ve gathered and applying them to produce the work or results we want — whether the endeavor is creative, financial, or personal in nature. In other words, the action we take is the real inspiration we’re after. It’s the action of exhaling, breathing out all the ideas we’ve collected and putting them to use. True inspiration doesn’t come from consuming new information, but rather from incorporating those ideas into the actions we take toward building the life we want.
We make the mistake of thinking that if we keep inhaling books, presentations, talks, tweets, interviews, and documentaries we’re going to suddenly be inspired into the life we want. But the funny thing is, constantly breathing in is actually anti-inspiring because it doesn’t allow us to exhale. We have to breathe out, creating intention with our exhalation, focusing on our output to achieve the inspiration we’re truly after.
Never stop consuming the things that interests you, but know that the inspiration you seek isn’t in the search, it’s in the act of doing.
326. new ideas
There are people who will never change their minds, not even when presented with new information. It’s okay to have a belief system because that’s how we make sense of the world, but there is a difference between being cautious about new ideas and being calcified.
Some people enjoy having discussions about what they believe in, welcoming new information as a means of progressively challenging who they were, in an attempt to consistently build and improve upon who they are. While others are closed off from any discussion to the point that they defend their belief system against any and all opposing thoughts, no matter how rational the argument. If at one point you both shared similar opinions, yet you decided to be open to new ideas and have since made changes to long held beliefs; you’ll likely be admonished for your transgressions with the person saying, “You’ve changed.” But isn’t that the point? You’re supposed to be open. To learn. To change. To grow.
What in nature stays the same its entire lifecycle? Nothing that I know of. Stagnation in an ever changing process is akin to death. Old habits — or in this case, belief systems — “die hard,” as they say.
I think it’s important that we maintain a sense of childhood wonderment as we progress through life. It’s very hard to have all the answers, and we should avoid those that do at all costs. We have to maintain a sense of openness about what we believe in. It’s okay to maintain rigidity in the process of developing a belief system, as long as we remain flexible in how it works itself out. If we are too tied to our ideas, then we run the risk of it eventually transforming into an identity that may not serve us in the long run.
Despite anyone’s beliefs, the one thing we can all agree on is that we all want to live a freer, healthier, more prosperous life, filled with love and adventure. But this can be very hard to find if you are so locked into an opinion that you completely shut off anything that could improve upon your current situation. It’s okay to have a belief system, but be able to differentiate between what is defining you versus what may be holding you back.
317. don’t just sit there
We all came into this world with an unmatched level of confidence. As babies, we took our first steps, fell down, got up and fell down again. In the process, we laughed and cried because it was a difficult task, but never did we say; “Okay, I’m done with that. I’m just going to sit here, forever.” There’s no fear of failing, and therefore no stoping us. And so, we persist. We didn’t care about failing to walk the first, second, or third time. We kept going, in an effort to literally rise to the level of those around us.
As babies, we inherently do what we feel is right, unaffected by what others may think about our actions. If we don’t like something we’ve been fed, we have no problems spitting it right back out. If we saw the neighbors dog, our first reaction is likely to run up to it and try to play. It’s not until we’re old enough to comprehend the warnings of NO! DON’T! BE CAREFUL! that we learn about hesitation and fear.
It’s that hesitation that makes us stop and think about all the consequences of pursuing what our hearts desire. It’s that fear that keeps us from doing what we know is right by continuing to say; “What if?” It’s these ideas that can haunt our decisions for the rest of our lives, creating a lack of confidence in our resolve to relentlessly go after what we truly want.
All I can say is, we had it right to begin with. We have a choice to be unconcerned with anything but the end result. So stop sitting there and create the life you want.
315. questions for change
Not starting something because we’re unsure of the result is a faulty mindset. We need to be willing to try different avenues to see what works best for us. Stop searching for a guarantee before you start. Instead, get clear about what you want and be willing to try out different ways to achieve it with intent, because if you do — if you try it on for size, you can figure out what fits best — as opposed to the opposite which is wasting time waiting for a guarantee, of which there are none.
When you want something different out of life, think about the following questions before you embark on your journey and maybe it can save you some time…
What is the change you seek to make? Are you here to do what you’re told or are you here to learn and improve yourself? Are you here to make a contribution with that change, or are you here only to take something for yourself? Answering questions honestly is difficult because it’s all about the stories we tell ourselves. So, if we can figure out how to tell ourselves a different story, then we may be able to create a different life. One that is not only beneficial to who we wish to become, but those whose lives we touch as well. Some people wake up in the morning and think “how can I double my worth,” while other people think, “how can I help the homeless guy on the corner.” These are two totally different kinds of change we seek to make in the world, but both are change. It comes down to being honest with who you want to be.
What possibility do you see? People have been indoctrinated since birth to either believe they are entitled or not, special or not, that they possess the ability to make a difference or not. So, the question may be better asked as to whether or not you see possibility in the change you seek to make? Likely if you are confident enough to try, then it’s a yes. On the flip side to that is learning to see the world as it is. It’s easy to think we get to make the world the way we want it to be, but we don’t. And that can be hard. The world is the way it is. Learning to see that reality is critical and it changes our view on what is really possible for us. If no one has ever done the thing you wish to accomplish, then you might be deluding yourself, whereas if there is a well-trodden path you seek to go down, then you might be able to follow it and add your flavor. This isn’t to say that, if it hasn’t been done before, don’t bother, but to be mindful not to travel too far down a road to nowhere. Millions of people have studied the stock market, yet most of them weren’t able to turn into Warren Buffet. Millions of people have read how to get in shape, but most of them weren’t able to transform their body into what they had initially envisioned. Part of it is discipline, part of it is seeing possibility, part of it is deciding what kind of journey you want to go on over the next year or even decade and how you approach it. But none of it is for lack of available information.
How much emotional labor are you willing and able to expend to accomplish the thing you wish to do? Whatever the goal, it may seem simple at first, but you quickly realize that there is a difference between simple and easy. Losing weight is relatively simple, however its execution is much more laborious than most people are willing to endure. Change isn’t easy because it requires us to dismantle old ways of thought and stories that have run our lives for years, and try new ones to see which ones stick so that we can get the end result we want. It’s really about being comfortable with incompetence on your way to getting better.
313. we’re all ignorant
This isn’t meant to be disparaging, but we’re all ignorant. In Americanese, being labeled as ignorant is generally seen as an insult, yet by definition, it simply means “lacking awareness.”
In Buddhism, “ignorance” is a rough translation of the word Avidyā, which is Sanskrit for having a misunderstanding of the true nature of our reality and the truth of our impermanence. Even when the news continuously tells us that the sky is falling and we are less than what we could be, most of us are unaware of how good we have it, and so, many of us settle into dis-ease, unhappiness, and end up chasing the wrong things.
So what are the wrong things?
Seeing life as a checklist to fulfill instead of an experience to behold. We think we need to go to school to get a good job; then meet our significant other to get married; then buy a house to raise a family; then save up for that new car, retirement and our children’s college fund. It’s the American Dream, right? Except that it may very well be a dream to think that this is what will create a life we’re genuinely happy with. And it’s unlikely that that plan will materialize perfectly, and even if it does, then what? Do we settle? No, we just add more items to the checklist.
It’s the nature of desire to get one thing and immediately covet the next. This cycle of accomplishment and acquisition likely won’t make us happy, but instead distract us from doing the work that will.
311. questioning failures
Failure is inevitable, yet we are so scared of it that we’re willing to do almost anything to avoid it, minimize its impact, or completely deny its existence. In doing so, we only exacerbate our shortcomings by refusing to accept and learn from what a failed experience can teach us. Instead of retracting, minimizing or denying, it’s imperative to take ownership of what we have done, fully admit to our mistakes and failures, so that we can learn the lessons they teach and figure out how to prevent them from happening again.
A simple exercise in ownership comes from the book Sovereignty, by Ryan Michler, where seeking to reframe how we look at our experiences, he puts forth the following line of questioning…
Instead of asking, “whose fault is this?” ask yourself, “what can I do to ensure this doesn’t happen again?”
Instead of asking, “why didn’t ____________ do ____________?” ask yourself, “what can I do to ensure ____________ gets done next time?”
Instead of asking, “why am I surrounded by incompetent people?” ask yourself, “what can I do to surround myself with competent people?”
The first set of questions do nothing to improve the situation, whereas the second focuses on what can be done to improve the situation. The quality of our outcomes will be determined by our responses to the failures we will inevitably come up against. By taking ownership of the situation, and asking the right questions to move forward, we can make the best out of any bad experience.
307. process over product
Find something that allows you to be you. It doesn’t necessarily have to be something you love or are even good at. For instance, you can be terrible at painting, but the process of applying paint to a canvas provides a place to pour out the expression of your thoughts or feelings. You don’t need to possess any level of skill because it’s more about the process than the product. It isn’t about creating something tangible to be sold or hung in appreciation, it’s simply about the activity that gives you the freedom to interact with the world without judgement.
306. change the things you say before you start to believe them
You are not your thoughts. Saying things like “I don’t deserved to be loved” or “my life sucks” doesn’t make it true, yet the more we say these negative things to ourselves, the harder it becomes to not believe them. We’ve all experienced heartbreak, loss, pain, and challenges along the way, but just because those events are in the past doesn’t mean we’re not still holding on to their repercussions in the form of negative self talk.
Those thoughts and feelings of negativity will persist until we learn what we need to change or redefine within ourselves. They serve as a beacon of where we need to place our attention so that the pain can be dealt with and healed. If, for example, you haven’t healed from a poor relationship with your parents, you may develop the mistaken belief that you don’t deserve love, and then continue to find partners who mirror your unresolved issues around love. If we don’t deliberately start changing the things we say to ourselves, we’re destined to repeat and recreate the pain over and over again.
300. everything is not a test
We often get in the way of our own potential because we’ve been taught to see everything as a test. Instead of being open to learning from an experience, we’re solely focused on what it takes to pass the test. But the truth is, nothing in this life is a test; it’s all an opportunity to learn and grow. The sooner we’re able to understand that the obstacles in our way present a potential for growth, we can become much greater than those who only see life as one continual test to prove themselves. It’s the difference between allowing a situation to illuminate our weaknesses, versus hardening ourselves to the difficulties ahead; in the first situation we can learn from what we lack and improve going forward, but in the latter, we block all opportunity for light to shine on our weakness and thus stifle our potential for growth.
298. a world of comparison
We live in a world of comparison, always judging the present version of ourselves against the polished postings we see on social media, or the glamour that is celebrity culture. The unfortunate fact is that somewhere along the line we lost sight of what is truly important, that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but where you water it. Therefore, comparison only robs us of the joy of being ourselves.
Growing up in a society based on selling you an idea of never being enough has led us to believe that if we make enough money to buy that next thing, or lose enough weight to look like that person, or establish a following on any given platform, we can attain some sense of joy, happiness, or fulfillment. But in our efforts to model our lives after those we admire — likely for the wrong reasons — all that joy, happiness, and fulfillment can get sucked right out of us. Our journey can be influenced by those we see, but it shouldn’t be blindly followed. Instead, we would serve our future-selves much better if we focused on our journey, ours alone.
292. excellence requires grit
Excellence requires repetition.
Day in and day out, repetition is necessary for you to be great at anything. Even if your passion and purpose perfectly align, and you completely love what you’re doing, there are going to be days where what you’re doing is reduced to a daily checklist. Feelings of boredom or frustration are bound to manifest even with the most ideal of routines. So besides loving what you do, it also becomes necessary to develop a gritty or tenacious mindset to make it through those days.
Without a bit of grit or tenacity to drive you through the boredom or frustration that accompanies every routine, you can quickly lose your way. Developing a mindset that allows you to bite down and make it through can save you a lot of lost time spent on distractions from what you truly enjoy and are bound to return to anyway.
So on those inevitable days where you don’t want to show up because you’re simply frustrated with the routine of having to go to the gym, sit down to write, teach what interests you, or any of the variety of things that align with your passion and purpose, remember to stay gritty and remain focused so you can make it through the day. In the end, completing the tasks you care about, no matter the frustration attached, will always be met with more gratification and therefore excellence, than succumbing to the temptation of breaking your routine.
291. freedom
There’s a story the great spiritual teacher Osho used to tell about a town he lived in that went bankrupt, and didn’t have enough money to keep its prison open. So, all the town leaders got together to figure out what was to be done with the prisoners. It was decided that after an average of 20 years of imprisonment for the prisoners, their debt to society had been paid, and the easiest solution would be to simply let them all go. And so they were released. But the next day, as the Warden came back to finalize the closure, he found all the prisoners back in their cells, adorned with their shackles as if their freedom had never been granted. Perplexed at the situation, the prisoners were asked why they had returned, and the most common answer was that they couldn’t sleep without the safety of their constraints, and that they had no idea what to do with their freedom.
Too often we’re caught up in the safety of what is familiar. We choose to stay in, or go back to, situations that do not serve us, even when given the opportunity to grow. It’s understandable why this happens — there is comfort in knowing what we’re dealing with — yet, with any appreciable amount of self-reflection, we should all be able to understand why being comfortable in a bad situation is never going to be better than the discomfort of a new one.
In another parable from the middle ages, a notorious thief was taken before the King, who would place judgement upon his crimes. Instead, the King had the thief taken down into the castle’s dungeon, where he was offered a choice of two punishments. He could meet a swift death by being hung upon the gallows, or face what was behind a large, foreboding rusty iron door. Without hesitation, the thief chose the rope. And as the hangman placed the noose around his neck, the thief asked…
“My King, what’s behind that door?”
With a laugh, the King responded, “It is of no concern, as I offer all the same choice, yet everyone chooses the rope.”
As the hangman tighten the noose around the thief’s neck, his vision began to darken, and with his last breath he pleaded again…
“Please, my King, what’s behind that door?”
“Freedom,” the King said with a sigh, “but it seems most people are more afraid of the unknown than death.”
—
There are very few guarantees in this life. But the most powerful among those is our inevitable meet with death, and that we ultimately have the ability to decide how we arrive. So make the choices that serve the person you wish to become, not who you are comfortable with.
289. filled with doubt
One of our ego’s favorite paths of resistance is to fill us with doubt. It stems from issues with self-esteem, and a fear of not having an ability to succeed with our endeavors. Instead of helping us rise to the occasion, it says “You don’t need this challenge, you are perfect as you are. It’s not you who needs to change, but everyone else.”
Said aloud, this sounds rather ridiculous, but believe it or not, this is how most people’s subconscious mind works in day-to-day life. Our biggest problem, as Ram Dass put’s it, is that we’re “too busy holding onto our unworthiness.”
In other words, our ego keeps us stuck in the safest possible place. One that never challenges, but always confirms. It is resistant to change because change means the death of a certain identity — a.k.a. our ego. But for any of us to build a life we want, we’re going to have to face the fears that our ego set in place — one’s of not being good enough to succeed — so that we can eventually learn what it takes to be good enough, at which point the ego that held us back will cease to exist.
288. intentional living
When is the last time you did something for the sake of doing it?
We’re all so caught up in a race to complete something, that we’ve lost the enjoyment of just living. Our efforts, if not strictly directed at gaining from everything we do, are seen as a waste of time. While it’s good to live with intention, what is life without the ability to simply enjoy the moments we have?
When is the last time you went for a walk to enjoy nature, without counting your steps? The last time you decided to truly enjoy a meal, without worrying about calories? The last book you read, without seeking some personal gain over those who didn’t read it? Or, the last time you did anything particularly enjoyable for the sake of doing it, without the desire for a constructive result?
None of this is meant to steer us away from intentional living, but that there is some truth to the old saying “stop and smell the roses.” We’re all hurrying to get somewhere and accomplish something that we miss out on the small things that this life is made of. Living with intention is great, but intentional living may be better.