323. unaware
If you aren’t aware that you’re unhappy, you aren’t going to do anything about it. You’re just a fish, living its life in an ocean of water, with no concept of what “wet” is. You’re unaware.
Until you become aware that you’re uncomfortable (or wet), you’re going to stay in a place of complacency and stagnancy because you’re okay with the environment you find yourself in. Some internal mechanism continues to manage your perception of what is normal and acceptable to you, which keeps you from tuning into the reality of what is happening around you.
The very small things that would otherwise alert you to problems within an unfamiliar environment have become blunted, and therefore a reason to pay attention. Unhappiness needs to be recognized, felt, and made aware of, otherwise why would you want to change? Start to focus on the small things; Have you been clinching your jaw? Is your heart constantly racing? Are you easily stressed or anxious? The body holds a lot of signals, but if you’re not tuned into them, they can’t disrupt you from the normalcy that you’ve become accustomed to.
It’s not easy to strip away the layers of what has become normal and uncover how you really feel, but it is essential for real change to take place. I think a lot of the time we get so used to a certain way of living that we forget what happiness feels like. The sooner we can recognize the signals our body is giving off, the sooner we can realize that what we’ve become used to is no longer serving us and make the necessary changes.
313. we’re all ignorant
This isn’t meant to be disparaging, but we’re all ignorant. In Americanese, being labeled as ignorant is generally seen as an insult, yet by definition, it simply means “lacking awareness.”
In Buddhism, “ignorance” is a rough translation of the word Avidyā, which is Sanskrit for having a misunderstanding of the true nature of our reality and the truth of our impermanence. Even when the news continuously tells us that the sky is falling and we are less than what we could be, most of us are unaware of how good we have it, and so, many of us settle into dis-ease, unhappiness, and end up chasing the wrong things.
So what are the wrong things?
Seeing life as a checklist to fulfill instead of an experience to behold. We think we need to go to school to get a good job; then meet our significant other to get married; then buy a house to raise a family; then save up for that new car, retirement and our children’s college fund. It’s the American Dream, right? Except that it may very well be a dream to think that this is what will create a life we’re genuinely happy with. And it’s unlikely that that plan will materialize perfectly, and even if it does, then what? Do we settle? No, we just add more items to the checklist.
It’s the nature of desire to get one thing and immediately covet the next. This cycle of accomplishment and acquisition likely won’t make us happy, but instead distract us from doing the work that will.
297. be the source
Be the source of your own beliefs. Turn off the television. Unsubscribe from the dogmatic material. And stop listening to those who claim to have it all figured out. Your mind is too powerful to let it be guided by anyone other than you.
None of this is to say you shouldn’t search for the ideas you think are best, but do so knowing that what you tune into shapes the world you see and how you interact with everything in it. If you’re constantly told that the sky is falling, you’re going to be scared to leave the house, when reality is far less dangerous. If you’re constantly told that you need to live your life a certain way, you’ll likely acquiesce, to the detriment of what you truly should be doing. In either case you’ll never know for yourself unless you can take time away from the noise that is trying to convince you of one thing or another.
Joseph Campbell once said that, “there is nothing worse than climbing the ladder of life, and finally reaching the top, only to find out that your ladder was leaning against the wrong wall.” So, I implore you to be the source of your own beliefs. Take what is useful and disregard the noise that doesn’t further the life you’re after because there is nothing worse than reaching a place that was promised to fulfill you, but is worlds apart from your expectations.
295. blue-tinted glasses
We like to think that our experiences are mutual. That reality is defined by our perception of an experience, and shared by all the same. But reality isn’t neutral for any of us. In fact, we each see a world not for the reality of what it is, but through the lens of our individual and unique beliefs.
Imagine donning blue-tinted glasses, all your experiences would be interpreted through shades of blue. That’s how belief works. We see the world, and our perception of “reality” through the lens of what we already believe, placing our personal spin on everything that happens to us.
For example, if we believe that the world is a scary and dangerous place, we are always going to see the negative in the world, as opposed to the boundless beauty that also exists within the same plane. It is our beliefs that cause us to feel a certain way which affects how we ultimately experience any given situation. If we’re only attuned to see blue, and feel that this is a universal experience, it can be hard to communicate with someone who can only see red. But if we can understand that all our experiences are unique, we can make an effort to provide more context when it comes to establishing some middle ground between any of us.
294. writing fiction
Fear makes us fiction writers. Instead of letting our story unfold, we manifest ideas that are wrapped in fear by continually thinking what if... Pretty soon, we’re spiraling down a hole of negative consequences to our actions in a story that hasn’t even happened yet. Much of the time, our reservations about the future are driven by fear, which holds us back from taking necessary action, and therefore imprisons us in our imaginations. To paraphrase the words of the Roman philosopher Seneca; “Our fears are more numerous than our dangers, and we suffer more in our imagination than reality.” The anticipation of any negative outcome is warranted only in the sense that we can plan how to maneuver around them, but they should never be a reason to not take action. So write your story as it happens.
287. mistaking attachment for love
We often mistake attachment for love. A lot of the time our sense of self is not rooted in what we see in the mirror or feel inside, instead it’s the illusion that another person can fill a void and make us whole. So in the event that they leave, or the relationship ends, the ensuing heartbreak feels like devastation because we not only lost someone we cared about, we lost a part of what allowed us to show up in the world. But the thing is, if we lose ourselves in the process of losing another, it’s likely not love that is causing the pain, but attachment to another.
The grasping and clinging we go through as the relationship starts to crumble is thought to be a representation of the depth of love we feel for another, when in reality, it’s just an attachment to the idea of them. And the more we reach out and try to hold on to that idea, the more afraid we become in losing this person, which inevitably causes more suffering in the end.
Ultimately, we need to understand where our feelings come from. Attachment will always feel exponentially worse because when a person leaves, they take a piece of us with them; whereas if it’s love, it’s still going to hurt, but that pain is going to come from the loss of something beautifully shared, not a loss of a sense of self.
284. imaginary threats
We suffer more in imagination than in reality. It’s easy to overestimate threats that may exist with action, while underestimating the threats that come with inaction, when all those ideas are trapped in our head. We often let fear of the unknown control our decisions, so we settle for inaction because at least it’s something we know how to deal with. But if we are settling then we aren’t truly living to our potential.
To get over the hurdle of inaction, and overcome imaginary threats, a good exercise is to make a list of the worst things that can happen. Literally take them out of your imagination and write them down. Sit with them. See them for what they are. And then next to each one, write your best solution. In doing so, you can reduce the burden of what to do if this or that ends up happening. The biggest problem we have is the unknown, but if we write down the worst things our imagination can come up with, and then create a solution for each one, the unknown is not really something to be fearful of any more. That freedom will allow us to move forward onto something that may be more fulfilling than what we are currently settling for.
254. keep your head up
Never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better. We all like to think, “I know what I want,” but in reality there is no way to know that what you’re after is the best possible outcome for you. All the effort you put into a goal or the lifestyle you’re chasing is commendable, just don’t let your focus become so narrow — by keeping your head down, only focusing on where to place your next step — that you lose out on opportunities along the way. Walk your path knowing that you really don’t know what lies outside the boundaries you force yourself to stay within, so continue to strive for that life you want, but keep your head up because you never know what might come along.
218. expectations
It’s our own expectations that hurt us, not the reality we’re faced with. Whatever we think should happen for us isn’t real, but exists as a projection of what we want our world to look like. When things don’t go our way, it’s easy to feel like a victim, but the thing is that if we allow ourselves to fall to that level of thinking, we lose all our power to effectively change the situation moving forward.
We are not separate from the problems we encounter, we are part of them. Our experience is based on our perception. Any expectations we place on outcomes is of our doing. The sooner we can accept the responsibility that our expectations are under our control, the sooner we can positively adjust to the consequences.
Our power lies within our approach. We can never know the outcome of a certain situation, so being tied to any particular outcome can never prepare us to rise to the occasion.
169. rational decisions
While people like to say they make rational decisions, no one really does. For example, you can look at two people encountering the exact same situation, each claiming they’re making a rational decision, yet their actions are completely different. If rational choice were universally understood, everyone would be making the same decision, leading to the same action. But they’re not. This is because we make up stories about what we do, those stories are our version of reality, and what we use to justify our actions.
We all see things differently, and the majority of the time that is okay. This doesn’t make your process of decision making any better or worse than the next person, as long as your version is working for you. However, if you are doing things that aren’t working, and denying it, that’s just delusion.
113. the chase
We’re all chasing something. Dreams. Money. Status. Success. Hell, some of us are even chasing people for their love, attention, or admiration. With all the talk about the perseverance and consistency needed to achieve our ideal lives, we also need to live with the reality that no matter what endeavor we choose to pursue there still exists the possibility that it can fail. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, despite how difficult that realization might be. Not everything is meant to work, nor last forever. It’s all part of the lesson that serves to guide us through the next chapter of our lives.
So, how do we know when to stop the chase? There’s no right answer. If there were, it would allow the transition to come and go more fluidly and with less trepidation. Instead we’re left with the murky waters of interpreting events and justifying outcomes to fit whatever narrative that allows us to hold on to the idea of what we pine for. You think, “oh, what if I do this, or that?”, when what really needs to be done is to step back and take an objective look at the situation. Is there a possibility that the thing you’re chasing is holding you back from finding what you desire somewhere else? Has contributing ever greater resources — whether it’s time, money, love, or attention — provided any significant return on the thing you’re after? If the answers are no, perhaps the direction you should be focusing your attention on is simply being blinded by the glimmers of hope you continue to chase after.