268. “made me feel”
We frequently use the words “made me feel.” We’ll say something like; this person made me feel bad because of what they said.
We use these words for their ease. They require no introspection of their use. We believe we’re just a simple bystander to the events that happen to us. Saying “made me feel” absolves us from the responsibility of having to understand where spontaneous feelings are coming from. But the thing is, no one outside of ourselves has the power to make us feel a certain way. The feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, and even love are all coming from within you. Whatever triggers their response is what we need to call attention to, sit with, and explore.
In other words, the input doesn’t determine the output. Our response to what someone says or does to us, is our response. No one can insert a feeling within us. The sooner we realize this, the sooner we can stop making the mistake that other people can exert some level of control over how we feel or operate in our daily lives, and take the responsibility to create the interactions we want.
227. you never know
You never know what is going to happen. As someone famous once said… “You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can’t predict the weather.” So, with that understanding, always be open to the situation you find yourself in. Approach the moments of wonder as equally as those of devastation.
Surrender to that which is unchangeable outside of you, and adapt what is within you. Have the presence of mind that nothing can ever really hurt you, as all our experiences are inherently “neutral.” It is our reaction to life’s events that determine how we move forward.
We can be grateful for how far we’ve come and the experiences we’ve had, or we can be tortured by the thoughts of what if. One will lead to a brighter tomorrow, while the other may keep us from it.
217. commitment
Commitment is a statement of what “is.” It’s an honest assessment of your true desire.
You know what you’re committed to, by the results of your actions, not by what you say your commitments are.
If you simply say you’re committed to a result, it’s easy to come up with stories, excuses and reasons why the circumstances aren’t in favor of delivering you to the outcome you say you want. Whereas, if you’re truly committed, none of those things cross your mind. Your inner narrative is reflective of your true desires and you do whatever it takes.
Be aware of your response to any conflict that arrises along the way to your stated commitments. Are they excuses that keep you from getting a result? Or, are they just obstacles along your path to the inevitable outcome you’re working toward? There is a distinctive difference. One being the stated, the other being the true. The sooner you can be honest with yourself about your commitments, the sooner you can take the action necessary to finally get what you desire.
196. your thoughts
Your thoughts belong to you, or you belong to your thoughts.
You either move forward with a clear intention on what needs to be done by focusing on the task at hand, or you’re so lost in the outcomes of “what If,” that those thoughts start to take center stage.
When you belong to your thoughts, you’re no longer acting from a place of creative intention, you’re acting out of a response to something that hasn’t happened yet. Thinking, “what if they don’t like me?” or “what if the work I produce isn’t good enough?” or “what if I fail?”, all steal your focus from where it needs to be. Yes, to a certain point the outcome matters because we all want to do good work, but if your focus is solely on the outcome rather than the process, both will suffer.
191. response
We have so little control over everything in this world that it may seem easier to simply give into whatever emotion arises when something rubs us the wrong way, than make an effort to respond differently. But that is the one, and perhaps only, thing we can control. We easily forget that those emotions that arise, ones of anger, resentment, or fear, are a choice. We all need to remember that we are never going to be able to change the stimulus, but we can always adjust our response.
175. data, not directives
We make the mistake of defining ourselves with the language we use to talk about our emotions. Saying, “I am sad,” “I am angry,” or “I am stressed” is saying that all of you is that emotion. It’s similar to a single cloud floating across an otherwise clear blue sky, thinking the day is ruined because this singular thing has taken away our ability to focus on anything else.
Instead of saying you’re sad, angry, or stressed, see if you can notice the emotion for what it is, within the story you are telling yourself. Instead of saying “I am sad,” change the phrase to “I am noticing, I am sad.” By doing this you and your view of life at that moment is no longer 100% wrapped in that emotion, but as yourself experiencing an emotion. This will allow you to recognize that emotions are data, not directives. They are feedback of an experience you are having, not a diagnosis.
Victor Frankl popularized the idea of believing there is a space between stimulus and response, and in that space is the power to choose. It is where growth comes from, once we realize that we have the freedom to choose. If you can create space between any given stimulus and response, there is wisdom to make better choices by not defining yourself with negative terms.
Your emotions shouldn’t have the power to tell you how to act. You are in control and always get to decide how to respond to the stimulus.