271. reflections in the mirror
Do we ever really know ourselves? Are we ever really given a chance? From the moment we pop out, and into this world, we’re imprinted with the customs and beliefs of those around us. It makes us who we think we are and from that point forward, life becomes a constant search for mirrors that reflect those original ideals back onto us. But at a certain point, we need to be comfortable enough with ourselves to question the validity of what those mirrors are actually showing us.
Are they reflecting what we want to see because it’s familiar and therefore comfortable, or are they showing us what we need to see in order to grow by challenging our comforts? Chances are, most of us are looking for a reflection that says “I’m okay just as I am. I’m good.” And while I agree that we all need to be comfortable with who we are, it definitely shouldn’t be because anyone else says so.
We have the ability to choose the mirrors we look into, therefore we can always see what we want. But if what is reflected back at us doesn’t challenge us to improve, it isn’t serving us, it is only reconfirming that the beliefs and ideals we already hold are good enough. And that is never gong to allow us to break free from who we’ve been taught to be. We need to seek out and surround ourselves with people or groups who challenge our long held beliefs, and who inspire us to break the mirror we are used to peering into so that we can aspire to be more than a simple reflection of our original ideals.
270. one phrase
We’re all searching for something to fill a void. In our attempt at figuring it out, we’re inevitably pulled in different directions. Most likely chasing after money, power, or respect, to no avail. However, nothing is going to fill that void more perfectly than finding someone who see’s us for who we are under the mask of all the things we chase. No matter what we do, everything in this life is just a progression toward one phrase… “I love you.”
269. positive or negative
Fundamentally, I like to think things happen for a reason. But more importantly, when they do, I like to frame those events around a narrative that serves me, rather than becoming trapped in any initial reaction to the experience I’m having. This is definitely easier when the things that happen are positive, rather than negative. Yet, no matter whether they’re classified as “positive” or “negative”, they aren’t facts, but meanings I’ve attached.
The meaning I place on past events, play a large part in how I see the future unfolding. If I got a job, only to lose it, or fell in love only to have it disappear, it’s easy to attach negativity toward these things. However, if in that job, I learned new things that made me better at what I do, I can carry that toward my next position and have greater success; likewise, if falling in love unlocked a part of me that had previously been unknown, it doesn’t disappear, I get to keep it and express it in my next relationship. Everything can build upon it self if we let it.
I think that changing how we view things that happen to us is essential to upgrading our identity, how we see ourselves in the present, and who we can eventually build ourselves to be in the future. And it all starts with the way we relate to, and construct the narrative of our past.
268. “made me feel”
We frequently use the words “made me feel.” We’ll say something like; this person made me feel bad because of what they said.
We use these words for their ease. They require no introspection of their use. We believe we’re just a simple bystander to the events that happen to us. Saying “made me feel” absolves us from the responsibility of having to understand where spontaneous feelings are coming from. But the thing is, no one outside of ourselves has the power to make us feel a certain way. The feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, and even love are all coming from within you. Whatever triggers their response is what we need to call attention to, sit with, and explore.
In other words, the input doesn’t determine the output. Our response to what someone says or does to us, is our response. No one can insert a feeling within us. The sooner we realize this, the sooner we can stop making the mistake that other people can exert some level of control over how we feel or operate in our daily lives, and take the responsibility to create the interactions we want.
267. flip the script
Most of us are so immersed in our concept of the world, so unconscious of the narrative we have constructed for ourselves, that we aren’t aware it’s just a script continuously running through our minds. We believe our script is a representation of “us” or our “true selves,” but in reality, it is just our thoughts. We feel so strongly about their truth because we practice these thoughts and ideas all day long, reinforcing their assimilation into our identity with each passing day.
It’s not obvious — until it’s pointed out — that we are not our thoughts, but we practice them so much that we start to identify with their meaning. We practice them from the time we get up in the morning, to the time we go to bed in the evening. And they’re even reinforced in our dreams as we sleep. We practice our thoughts so consistently, and for so long, that we get to the point where we aren’t even aware we are practicing them. We label these thoughts as “us,” but they’re not — they’re just something we’re thinking.
It’s important to understand that we are the thinker of our thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. A lot of the time, the thoughts and ideas that have defined who we are and how we approach the world are simply remnants of a past experience that is no longer serving us. Pay attention to the thoughts that come up automatically, you’re bound to realize that many of them are just part of the script you’ve been running forever.
266. realizing a past trauma
When I was young, my mother would always ask me things like, “Why can’t you be this way?” or “Why can’t you be more like that person?” This led me to believe there was something inherently wrong with me. I was never good enough. I think that belief has followed me throughout my life, and became one of the reasons why I got into personal training / health coaching. I wanted so badly for someone to say, “Thank you. You are so great. You’ve helped me. And I appreciate who you are.”
It’s interesting to reflect on the paths we take. To really sit and wonder why. For myself, I try so hard to be good at what I do, that I’m often questioned, why I try so hard or what’s the purpose of continuously taking more classes? It’s very frustrating for me to hear these things. I have always justified them as a need to learn more so that I can be better at helping people, but I think a better reason is that I am just looking to be seen for what I can do and loved for what I am good at. With each new bit of information or protocol I learn, I am able to stand out in the eyes of the people that I help.
I think past traumas play a part in dictating all of our lives. The unfortunate part is that most of us will never take the time to develop the awareness that is needed to heal them. So we hold onto them thinking that the trauma is just who we are, when in reality it is just keeping us from all that we could be.
265. reflection
Most people attach their sense of self-worth to the values and expectations placed upon them by their family or religious belief systems. But as these institutions fade away, each of us is charged with creating our own identity, and the burden has never been heavier. The situation leaves us with no guide or model to follow, so we constantly stare at ourselves in the mirror, negotiating our sense of self-worth and who we’re supposed to be.
Sociologist Eva Illouz points out that “the only place where you hope to stop that evaluation is in love. In love you become the winner of the contest, the first and only.” Being in love has the tendency to show us who we are, and more importantly who we can be. It inspires us. It breaks the old mirror we’re used to seeing ourselves in, dissolving the negotiation of who we should be, and replacing it with the idea of who we need to be in the eyes of the person we love.
264. average
The average person can never be successful because by definition they are average. It’s not that none of us wish for more, it’s that stepping outside of that wish and into the reality of making it happen is difficult. It’s challenging. And there is always a risk that the time we put in will not deliver the results we wanted. But the thing is, even if that were to happen, if we were to fail, we would just be right back where we started.
Average isn’t going anywhere. Only you can go somewhere.
Success can only come from the things we are willing to chase, to go after, and to fail at. The funny thing about that is, even if we do fail, we still learn something. We learn about ourselves, the situation, and what we can do differently next time to achieve better results. So in reality, any risk you take comes with a reward. But you have to be willing to step away from what is comfortable. That’s the only way to grow out of the average, and achieve the success you wish for.
263. what gives light
If we seek to live a life that is only about pleasure, the moment it ceases to be fun or comfortable, we quit. However, if we can set aside our wish for immediate gratification by choosing to strive for something greater than can be delivered in a moment, we no longer have to fight the dis-ease or dis-comfort of the difficulties that may arise. Instead, we can accept what comes along as small sacrifices on our path toward a purposeful pursuit or a lasting love.
What give’s light, must endure the burning.
262. listen
If you are proficient in your field, people will come to you with questions.
It’s likely that very early on in your conversation with these people, you will think you know what the problem is, feel the urge to speak up, and then offer a solution — because there is really no point in wasting more time on a simple fix, right?! Well, if you start to tell someone what they should be doing without the opportunity for them to be fully heard, then the chances are, they won’t feel heard and will likely not listen to your answer. Even if you’ve listened to similar problems a thousand times before, it’s only when the other person feels heard that the advice you provide can be fully recognized, accepted, and used to overcome the very unique issue to that specific person.
So, while it is true that people are coming to us because they are seeking knowledge, we must keep in mind that they are also coming to us with a need to be heard.
261. awareness changes everything
Anything we do will be experienced very differently if we do it as a reaction versus a conscious action. For example, when we’re angry, it has the ability to put us on the defensive by taking over our thoughts and words. Much of the time, we regret the things that come out of our mouth automatically, as a reaction to anger. Sometimes it becomes difficult to repair the damage done from those moments. However, this is not to say that expressing anger is always destructive. If we found ourselves in a situation where we saw the opportunity that we could intervene to stop some egregious injustice, the conscious expression of anger could be the best decision to have made in that moment. The difference is that it was given consciously. And anything given consciously rather than automatically is transferred through awareness. So be aware of what arrises within you, use it to improve situations by holding back things you know you’ll regret, or when necessary, let it out to positively impact a negative situation. Awareness has the power to change everything.
260. a bucket of love
We’re attracted to people because they feel familiar.
We’re always trying to find what we didn’t receive from our parents, in people that are just like them. We don’t consciously make the choice to fall for someone just like our mother or father — in fact, if asked, I’m sure we would all agree that when searching for a partner, we want nothing that reminds us of our parents — but subconsciously we gravitate toward those people that most resemble them because the only way we can make sense of this world is by finding someone to fill the holes left by the ones that were most impressionable on us. Whether we are aware of it or not, they remind us of where we came from, what we miss, and what we need to fulfill.
Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. It really comes down to a bit of luck in stumbling on the person that wants to be part of our journey. Because we’re always going to be attracted to a certain type of people, we don’t need to seek them out. However, within that select group of people we gravitate towards, there are going to be a few that can provide us with the comfort we need to feel at home, AND also will work to give us the things that our parents weren’t able to provide.
We enter relationships searching for the love, attention, and admiration we couldn’t get from our parents, all the while oblivious to the fact that we’re looking for these things from the people that most resemble our fucking parents. The sooner we can realize that, the sooner we can understand what we need, what we are willing to put up with, and when we need to get the fuck out. There are going to be people that want to grow with you, and want to make you whole by giving you the things you need, but that isn’t something you should expect or try to force onto them. They have to find it on their own and then want to give it away. It’s beautiful when it happens, but rare because everyone will reach it at a different time. I think that’s one reason why relationships fail, it’s simply bad timing. People aren’t where they need to be to give the other what they need because they haven’t arrived at that point in their journey.
Full disclosure here… and I fucking hate this thought, but coming to this realization may make my life easier. In a parter, I’m looking for something I couldn’t get from my mother, from someone that reminds me of her. And that is fucking hard to say, because I don’t want anyone like her. I’ve swung the complete opposite direction and failed multiple times. But recently, I found this beautiful woman that feels like home, is dead sexy, and makes me feel alive when I’m with her, while at the same time inspires me to be more everyday. She fills me with the comfort of home, while patching up the punctures that had been left in my heart from years of neglect.
I look at it like this… we’re all a bucket full of holes. We enter relationships, dipping our bucket into the water. We feel content for a time because we found someone to fill us up, our bucket is full. But sooner or later if the people we choose aren’t willing, like us, to go on the journey to patch up the holes of our past, then the water quickly drains out, and the relationship fades. It’s rare to find a person that both fills you up and wants to mend your holes. It’s not a very elegant analogy, but you get the point. So, if two people can do this for each other, I can’t think of a better foundation for a relationship. If you can, PLEASE let me know.
259. programmed
All our problems start in childhood. And it’s not just the fault of our parents, it’s also the things that happened at school and with our peers. Anything that happened before that transitionary age of 18, pretty much cemented the way we’ve thought and acted ever since.
The trauma we made it through isn’t who we are, but it did program us to see and approach the world in a certain way. Until we realize that there is a difference between what happened and what we understood it to be, we will be stuck viewing our future through the lens of the past. It can keep us from taking necessary risks, standing up for ourselves, asking for the things we deserve, and working hard to get the things we want.
Being stuck in the past is what stops our growth, and keeps us from the life we keep saying we want to have. At a certain point, we all need to realize it’s no longer good enough to look in the mirror and simply think “this is who I am.” We all need to be willing to break the mirror to see what’s on the other side, and redefine our lives from where we are today.
258. hard experiences
Translate your hard experiences into a mission.
We wonder what we’re supposed to do with this life. Often comparing ourselves to those who seem to have it all figured out. However, it isn’t so much that those people have it figured out as they have used their past struggles, hardships, and experiences as a catalyst to create something meaningful.
The tough times any of us are able to make it through offer a unique insight about how to overcome negative experiences, or better yet, avoid them all together. For example, some of the best doctors battled and overcame specific illnesses, only to become the leading practitioners in their field. They were able to translate their difficult experience into a mission.
Any of us can do the same. And it doesn’t have to be as grand of a gesture as saving a life. It can be anything we’ve struggled with, learned from and overcame such as a weight loss journey or overcoming depression. Our tough times are growth experiences that put us in a position to help those that face the same challenges we made it through. So if we are struggling to find a purpose, use what you’ve been through to make a difference.
257. if you love something
We’ve all heard the saying… “if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” But what if I let go of something I love, only to have it return and then leave again? How many times does this sequence need to repeat before it realizes it’s mine, and I don’t have to be okay with letting it go again? Because there is so much nuance to each individual situation, it’s hard to paint an answer in broad strokes of black or white.
Love can be complicated, not in the sense of developing the feeling, but that once discovered, that emotion doesn’t always have room to grow due to the previous responsibilities or limitations of the life we, or the people we have come to love, have chosen. That’s what leads to the conflict, and incites the saying.. “if you love something let it go…” allowing for the other to figure out what is best for them, and we can do that because there is no judgement in love. So, I guess there is truth to the saying, but at what point do we accept the magnetism? How many times does the world need to spin upon itself to bring two people together before they finally realize they need to stop fucking around with fate?
death, and living life to the fullest
I was listening to a podcast about near death experiences with Dr. Bruce Greyson, who had the following to say about overcoming the fear of living…
“When you lose your fear of dying, you also lose your fear of living to the fullest because you’re not afraid of taking risks and losing something, nor are you afraid of what comes next… You’re part of something much greater than yourself, which means that the problems that exist with this bag of skin is not all that important because there is a lot more going on. You tend to see your problems, not as something to escape from, but something to struggle with, learn and grow. And this provides us with a sense of meaning and purpose.”
This resonated with me because it seems that most of us are scared of dying, which shows through in our inability to make the necessary changes in our life so that we can live it to the fullest.
It also reminded me of the quote that is attributed to Steve Jobs…
“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encounter to help me make the big choices in life.
Almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and that is how it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It’s life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.”
The common thread between these two quotes talking about death is that we should live life to the fullest. If your heart is tempted, there will never be a perfect reason not to follow it, and chances are if it was tempted, the life you’re afraid to leave is already killing you. So if the life you lead isn’t serving you, don’t hesitate to follow your heart. There isn’t anything to lose because in the end we all share the same inevitable destination.
Yes, I understand it is easier said than done, but awareness is the first domino to fall.
256. the longest journey
The longest journey any of us will have to take is one from our mind to our heart. From letting our thoughts be our guide, to what we feel to be true inside.
It’s coming to the realization that what is going on in our head is often influenced by the voices and opinions we surround ourselves with. It’s understanding that in our need to fit in, to be a part of something, to belong, we often compromise who we are and what we truly want.
The conflict that arrises between our thoughts and feelings should cause us to pause and ask ourselves if what we are about to do is truly the right thing for us. The sooner we can align our actions with our true feelings, the sooner we can live a life guided by our heart.
255. what fills your time
We start new habits with the best of intentions. Placing our effort into areas that will help us move ourselves closer to the person we want to become, but sometimes we lose the motivation that got us started in the first place. When this happens, the popular excuse of “there isn’t enough time,” always comes up. The funny thing about that is for as long as you held the habit, there was enough time to complete it.
So where is the disconnect? It’s not that you lack time, but your motivation waned, and that is okay. Not all habits are meant to stick. However, be mindful what occupies the time you previously spent on your habit of self-improvement. If what you replaced the habit with isn’t of equal value or doesn’t help you progress to the person you are trying to become then perhaps you should rethink what you’re giving up. For example, if I gave up the habit of writing because “I couldn’t find the time,” yet spent an hour a day on social media, then I am not making a decision my future-self will benefit from. However, if I give up the habit of writing because I wanted to focus more on making videos as a form of self-expression or the exploration of ideas, then that seems like a good trade off.
So pay attention to what fills your time. If the habit you currently have isn’t working for you, that’s okay, change it up, just don’t replace it with something that is going to waste the time it’s elimination frees up.
254. keep your head up
Never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better. We all like to think, “I know what I want,” but in reality there is no way to know that what you’re after is the best possible outcome for you. All the effort you put into a goal or the lifestyle you’re chasing is commendable, just don’t let your focus become so narrow — by keeping your head down, only focusing on where to place your next step — that you lose out on opportunities along the way. Walk your path knowing that you really don’t know what lies outside the boundaries you force yourself to stay within, so continue to strive for that life you want, but keep your head up because you never know what might come along.
253. making moves
Life is full of challenges. Most of us worry too intensely about each step needing to be considered as forward progress that we reach a point of stagnation. We can no longer push forward because the situation we’re in no longer serves the person we want to be, while at the same time, we don’t allow ourselves to create a lateral move, much less take a small step back, to reset the momentum which ultimately has the potential to propel us forward.
Anything less than continual progress is considered failure. We make the mistake in believing that each step needs to move us in the same direction, even if it mean we’re running headfirst into a wall. But it’s important to understand that we aren’t defined by each individual step we take, so much as the trajectory we keep. Sometimes that means making different moves, small changes, or step-backs to keep us moving toward to person we want to become. If we keep avoiding the necessary moves that match where we want to go, the only place we’re going to progress is right off a cliff.