off topic: does love come again?
Heartbreak is never fun. The common empathetic response to those going through the drudgery of despair after a breakup is to “not worry because someone else will come along.” In general, I think it’s good advice, and in the past I would believe in it wholeheartedly. I thought the universe makes us go through the motions of relationshipping, encountering the full spectrum of emotions, peaking with absolute love and bottoming out with its ultimate loss, and then somewhere down the line you end up with the one you were supposed to be with. Maybe it’s because I live in Los Angeles, have watched too many romantic movies, and have consequently succumbed to their magic. Who really knows?
HOWEVER, I do know that I found someone that literally said; “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.” And to be completely honest with you, I felt the exact same. We talked, wrote poems, exchanged love letters and it was established that we were in agreeance that neither of us had ever felt more alive, loved, seen, heard, and sexually attracted to each other than with anyone either of us had ever been with. Sounds phenomenal, right? It definitely was. Now, imagine having found someone that can unlock all those feelings within you, and then they leave (no one did anything wrong, but she felt she needed to live a different life, and because I love and adore her, I respected her decision).
Is there any guarantee that a love of that magnitude will come again? Maybe this is emotion, but I’m going with an emphatic; NO! And I say this, not as a young, angsty teenager, finding love in anything that looks like a hole, but as someone who has been around for nearly four decades and entered into a relationship with someone who was even older than myself. We both lived HALF our lives before we found one another and shared this wonderful experiment of love. I’m not trying to sound pessimistic, but this is why I don’t really believe that simply saying “someone else will come along,” really offers any consolation because I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone like that again. But at the very least, I know exactly what I’m after.
I have a list of rules I live my life by, one of them (which was inspired by her) is to “always love like it’s the last time.” I can’t stress this enough because you never know what is going to happen.
276. authentic love
Something I’ve learned is that for a relationship to work, and more importantly have the potential to thrive, it can’t be used as a means to fill any voids or wounds caused by our past. If either participant is looking for rescue or validation through the love of another, the relationship isn’t going to work.
A healthy relationship is one that can provide a welcoming space for mutual evolution. This sentiment is, as Dr. Nicole LePera puts it, “the essence of authentic love.” She goes on to say that, “when two people allow each other the freedom and support to be fully seen, heard, and Self expressed, authentic love doesn’t feel like an emotional roller coaster; it feels like peace and an inner knowing that you are both choosing to show up from a place of mutual respect and admiration.”
Authentic love is one that feels more like home, than a drug. It definitely has the power to take you on a ride, but it’s not going to create dependence. Any high comes from the realization that life is better with this person, not because of them. It’s rooted in the awareness that this person isn’t there to fix you, heal you, or make up for all the traumas you’ve experienced in your past, but with this person around, sharing a life is much more enjoyable and because of this there is always an inspiration for continual growth, both independently and as a couple.
274. every choice comes with exclusion
Every choice comes with exclusion. Our ability to choose is valuable, in that it gives us the power to create our story. We weigh our options, then choose the best one for us in the moment. Sometimes the choices can be made fairly easily, other times they can be devastatingly hard. In either case, there is always a loss to endure. We inevitably have to give up on one narrative to allow for a chance at another to grow.
273. what caused the pain
Chances are we’re all going to get hurt at some point. To cope, we’ll go down different paths to find relief. In some cases it will create addictive behaviors or the reliance on a vice to the point where it raises concerns within the people who care about us the most. In response, those that care, make an effort to help by offering advice and support. And while well intentioned, attempts at inquiring about an addiction or trying to educate on the issues that a vice has been shown to cause is a mistake.
When we’re experiencing emotional pain, we’re looking to disassociate from what is causing it. We no longer want to be ourselves, so we seek escape, and unfortunately the routes we choose are often something worse. But the thing is, we’re all aware of the consequences, so it never becomes a matter of “let’s talk about the consequences of your addictive behavior.” It’s that the only escape from one sensation, is to search for a more extreme one that has the power to take us away and relieve the weight that is crushing us.
No amount of inquiry or education around the bad habits we’ve picked up as a coping mechanism will help us overcome them. What is needed is a genuine pursuit of why we resorted to the things we did. We need to stop asking about the addiction or vice, and start asking about what caused the pain. The only way we can help people heal from their bad habits is to understand how they started.
234. choosing another
How do you deal with someone you love choosing another over you? Well, if you really love that person, you will honor their choice because love doesn’t judge. It has no agenda. It just is.
All you can really do is think about the beautiful time you spent with that person, whether it was a week, a month, or a year. Find gratitude for the time you were able to experience that person and who you became because of that relationship, instead of feeling depression for the absence of them. Yes, it’s going to hurt for a time and that’s okay because you’re human. There are going to be painful waves of emotion, but after a while they will subside and when they do you will be ready for loves next swell to overtake you.
226. “alive”
Ever since I was little, I remember people asking me the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Publicly, I would always answer with some random profession to satisfy the curiosity of whoever it was that asked, as if that’s all this life is supposed to be about. But on my own, in private, when I really took the time to think about it, I’d answer… “when I grow up, I want to be alive.”
Looking back, I’m sure if I voiced that desire many people would think of me as morbid or pessimistic, and try to throw me in therapy, however I never saw it that way. It was more about being present and experiencing the world whenever that far off time of “grown up” decided to arrive. Regardless, the sentiment served me well to get through the next stage of my life.
At one point, I was so riddled with depression and sadness that I no longer wanted to exist. Revisiting the question from time to time, always returned the same answer. Being “alive” always sounded great. And with years of suicidal thoughts, being “alive” was a great goal to shoot for.
Obviously, I made it through those times, tough as they were, and on to the other side of that stage of my life, yet the question still remains… “what do I want to be when I grow up?” I still can’t come up with a better answer to that question than to be “alive.” However, the context is different now. It’s more than the literal — breathing, eating, moving, existing in this world; “alive” — and more the metaphorical “alive” that can only be realized through finding something that lights a fire inside you like finding Love, or Purpose, or Passion, or something along those lines.
I discovered fire. I was lucky enough to have found someone that allowed me to feel “alive” in the experience I shared with her. She opened me up to see the world differently. To see myself differently. “Alive,” no longer meant just existing within the world, it shifted toward wanting to build a new one. Together with her, and for her. Being “alive” became synonymous with the Love and happiness I felt toward this person. It was transformational. I never knew how good things could feel until I found someone whose peaks matched my valleys so exactly. We fit so amazingly well. The polarity was magnetizing. Everything came easy; the words, the passion, the intimacy, the connection, the chemistry. All the feelings and emotions that romance novels and great love stories are made of. The most incredible part is that every bond we connected on, every emotion we shared only grew stronger with the time we spent together. It was fucking amazing when we were together. Truly magic, if even for a moment.
This past year has been the most transformative time in my life. It’s a combination of figuring out how love is supposed to feel, and discovering who I am supposed to be. It’s provided me with a new interpretation of what being “alive” can mean. I’ve never felt more “me” than I do right now. I’ve never felt more alive.
Over the course of my life I’ve returned, again and again, to the question… “what do I want to do when I grow up?” And, I cannot think of a better answer than to be “alive.” However, with each stage of my life it’s taken on new meaning. From my youngest years of simply wanting to grow up. To my darker years of not wanting to die. To the present interpretation of equating “aliveness” (is that a word!?) with finding, experiencing, and expressing Love. The language has always remained the same, but with new experiences, came new meaning.
So, while I’ve answered the question the same way throughout the entirety of my life, the meaning has consistently changed. And I’m okay with that. We should never be too rigid, or strict on the words we use to define our life. They are meant to change, as are we and the words we use. Any introduction to a new experience opens us up to use our language in a new way. New context can change old content. We should always look for new meaning in how we tell our story. The context can change everything. It can light our world on fire, or burn it down. It’s all in the meaning and how we choose to see things.
I hope we all find someone or something that makes us feel “alive.”
198. emotion vs feeling
We confuse the terms “emotion” and “feeling,” often using them interchangeably without realizing that we don’t run because we’re scared, we’re scared because we run. It’s the reaction to a stimulus that stirs our need for the meaning.
It’s our emotions that come first. They are the physiological response to a situation — fight, flight, freeze, or sexual arousal. Next comes the rush of feeling — fear, anger, love, happiness — that allows us to make sense of the situation by filling in the void created by the stimulus. It’s the cause and effect that constructs our narrative.
The funny thing is that the emotions that come from being caught in an earthquake can produce the same chemical reactions as sexual arousal. And, while our description of the events can be similarly described by exclaiming, “the earth moved,” they mean completely different things contextually. Perhaps, that’s why risky behavior can be fun. Walking the line can stir emotions that make us feel more alive, producing feelings that are integral for our story.
192. help others…
We’re all here for various reasons, but one of those is to help others know themselves, to help them feel. To be a spark in their darkness. To be a key in unlocking a part that lay suppressed, or unrecognized. We’re here to take their hand and help them uncover their capabilities, and possibly discover a new way to look at the world.
It isn’t a lack of capacity that keeps us from being able to unlock certain emotions within ourselves, but more to the fact that we don’t know our true potential, until we can be shown. We all possess the capacity to feel, love, and express our emotions, yet many of us fail to do so because we are unable to get out of our own way. We stay locked into a certain way of communicating and relating to others because we cannot see the world beyond the limitations of our perspective. It’s all we know. Not until someone comes along with enough influence, finding a way inside our mind, can we begin to see things differently.
So, the people that enter our lives are there for a reason, if for nothing else other than to provide a new perspective. They help us to see the world a little differently, and if we’re lucky will completely turn our world upside down.
190. surrender
Nothing can stop the irresistible force. Just as nothing can stir the immoveable object. Yet, paradoxically, they’re allowed to exist within the same universe.
So, what happens when these opposing forces collide? Everything and Nothing all at the same time. It’s unfulfilled potential energy.
Crushing momentum colliding with absolute stillness. Individually, they hold the power of the universe, and if recognized, together they can become the Universe. Celestial. Devine. Ethereal.
With a contrast so great, how can one influence the other? Can these forces coexist?
Never with the all consuming motives of one, nor the steadfast intentions of another. Only with the equal recognition that one holds the opposing power to complete the other.
Surrender is the only path forward…
Where one enacts motion to search for what it needs, the other employs inertia to stand for what it believes. Neither is wrong, but their potential remains incomplete without the attributes of their opposing force. Only in surrender can one fulfill the others potential.
Surrender holds the answer because it gives into the gravity, the attracting law between two opposing forces. It is what creates the universal principle of Ying and Yang.
Their true potential will remain unfulfilled without the recognition that either has a need for what the other holds.
…
A bit of introspection…. I always loved the quote, “find something you love, and let it kill you.” And, I finally think I understand what it means. We’re all locked into a certain identity, it can be the irresistible force, or the immoveable object. Whatever it is, It is what defines us. Finding something we love is bound to shift our trajectory because it requires an acceptance of an opposing force. This jolts our identity, hopefully for the good. And that is where the death comes. It’s not a literal killing, but a shedding of an identity that who we were has passed, and this new thing that defines us is who we are going forward. So surrender to the thing that you love, let it “kill you”, so you can move forward and create a world of untapped potential.
175. data, not directives
We make the mistake of defining ourselves with the language we use to talk about our emotions. Saying, “I am sad,” “I am angry,” or “I am stressed” is saying that all of you is that emotion. It’s similar to a single cloud floating across an otherwise clear blue sky, thinking the day is ruined because this singular thing has taken away our ability to focus on anything else.
Instead of saying you’re sad, angry, or stressed, see if you can notice the emotion for what it is, within the story you are telling yourself. Instead of saying “I am sad,” change the phrase to “I am noticing, I am sad.” By doing this you and your view of life at that moment is no longer 100% wrapped in that emotion, but as yourself experiencing an emotion. This will allow you to recognize that emotions are data, not directives. They are feedback of an experience you are having, not a diagnosis.
Victor Frankl popularized the idea of believing there is a space between stimulus and response, and in that space is the power to choose. It is where growth comes from, once we realize that we have the freedom to choose. If you can create space between any given stimulus and response, there is wisdom to make better choices by not defining yourself with negative terms.
Your emotions shouldn’t have the power to tell you how to act. You are in control and always get to decide how to respond to the stimulus.