180. life is what you make it
This year is the best example of the saying, “life is what you make it.”
Collectively, we’ve never had more downtime, nor more reason to improve ourselves and the way we do things. Yet, instead of taking advantage of this literal “once in a lifetime opportunity,” we squander the abolition of our old distractions by replacing them with new ones.
Old complaints of not having time to accomplish something were no longer valid this year, but did people get things done? No, they replaced not having time with another excuse.
The problem is not the absence of time, or need, or want, but the absence of responsibility to do what the fuck you need to do.
The constant complaint of “this is the worst year ever” is nothing more than people’s reliance on distraction and therefore absolving them from taking the responsibility to do the things necessary to improve upon their current situation.
For myself, this has probably been one of the best years of my life. Perhaps that is partly due to the fact that I am an introvert. Want me to stay home? Not talk to anyone? NO FUCKING PROBLEM. But at the same time that opened up a lot of free time that was not filled with Netflix binges, or being glued to the constant fear mongering bullshit of the mainstream media. My time was filled with doing the work necessary to be a better version of myself. Creating habits, healing old traumas, and always practicing a growth mindset.
None of this is to say that I didn’t experience my share of troubles. I found love and lost it all within a short window. Heartbreak is never easy. Coupled with the greatest tragedy of all — gym closures — and it would be easy for me to seek comfort in distractions. But, like I said, it comes down to mindset, and believing in the saying “life is what you make it.”
There is always a choice to make with how you respond to any situation. Choose wisely.
179. refine, not define
Our history will always be a part of our story. Let it refine you, not define you. There is a choice when it comes to how we think, feel, and act. We can be guided by the pain or trauma of past events, which have the power to keep us from personal growth, or we can let go of what happened and choose to let the future we wish to encounter inform our decisions in the present.
If we live from the past, we will always be trying to fix things that happened years ago. Reliving something that cannot be changed is just going to keep you experiencing life in a similar fashion, with the same feelings that it brought about the first time, thus not allowing for growth. There is a choice with how you relate to events in your life. Let it go. If we can change the relationship with our history, allowing it to refine us instead of define us, then we can begin to institute the change we seek.
Looking back as a way to inform our decisions in the present will never serve us. It keeps us stagnant. Growth requires change. Looking forward, being future minded, will inform us of the moves we need to make in order to build the life we want.
178. gravity
We’ve all been a part of a situation or relationship that hasn’t gone our way. The unfortunate part about these things is that we don’t always pick up on the reality of the situation because we can only see the world through our interpretation. While we see something one way, the reality of the situation may be taking us in another. The objections and failures we begin to come up against, may no longer be hurdles to overcome, but signposts directing you to change the way you see the path forward.
It’s difficult to change directions, to let things go, especially when their promise was so great. But an important part of life is coming to the realization that just because you don’t believe in gravity, doesn’t mean that gravity doesn’t believe in you.
177. more information doesn’t help
Most of us know what things we need to do to improve our situation. We know that eating bad food isn’t going to help us lose weight. That working more isn’t going to help us catch up on our sleep. And that spending money isn’t the quickest way to financial freedom. Yet, even though we want to be in shape, well rested, and financially stable, we fail to carry out the very things that would make those things happen.
We stand in the way of our own progress because the path we’re on is familiar. Familiarity is comfortable. It’s proven to be the path of least resistance for the life and identity we’ve created. But that path we’re on is directed by the story we continue to tell ourselves. And it’s always going to be easier to simply repeat or retell our story, than it will be to rewrite the narrative and institute the change we desire.
More information doesn’t help, until you begin to change the narrative you live by.
176. seeking resolution
We all have habits, good and bad. But it’s not the habit we’re after. It’s the feeling we derive from the execution of that habit.
We don’t want to journal, we want to think clearly. We don’t want to smoke, we want to alleviate our anxiety. We don’t want to workout, we want the result the workout delivers.
Habits are driven by the prediction of what the behavior will give us. What we’re after is resolution. A stimulus that either extinguishes or suppresses feelings or urges that arise within us.
As with everything else, certain things serve us, while others don’t. If a habit isn’t making you better, it’s keeping you from getting better. That emotion or urge you seek to chronically suppress is most likely the manifestation of an underlying need. It is something that deserves to be explored further, not overlooked. When the underlying message is brought to your attention it can be dealt with in a better way, leading to positive changes, and perhaps the elimination of bad habits.
175. data, not directives
We make the mistake of defining ourselves with the language we use to talk about our emotions. Saying, “I am sad,” “I am angry,” or “I am stressed” is saying that all of you is that emotion. It’s similar to a single cloud floating across an otherwise clear blue sky, thinking the day is ruined because this singular thing has taken away our ability to focus on anything else.
Instead of saying you’re sad, angry, or stressed, see if you can notice the emotion for what it is, within the story you are telling yourself. Instead of saying “I am sad,” change the phrase to “I am noticing, I am sad.” By doing this you and your view of life at that moment is no longer 100% wrapped in that emotion, but as yourself experiencing an emotion. This will allow you to recognize that emotions are data, not directives. They are feedback of an experience you are having, not a diagnosis.
Victor Frankl popularized the idea of believing there is a space between stimulus and response, and in that space is the power to choose. It is where growth comes from, once we realize that we have the freedom to choose. If you can create space between any given stimulus and response, there is wisdom to make better choices by not defining yourself with negative terms.
Your emotions shouldn’t have the power to tell you how to act. You are in control and always get to decide how to respond to the stimulus.
174. unhappily familiar
In every version of the Hero’s Journey, the protagonist returns home with new found knowledge about themselves and the world. Their arrival is met with open arms and open ears. They are praised for everything they have accomplished and loved for everything they’ve become. In the movies, we see that the hero is always able to initiate a positive change upon their return with the knowledge they have brought back from their journey. However, as anyone who returns home for the holiday’s knows, it doesn’t always work like that.
In real life, the story starts out much the same. We leave home for various reasons, embarking on a journey that will make us who we are destined to become. Upon our return, we are met with similar fanfare, but those open arms are not matched with open ears. We soon learn that our time away has changed us, and those that stayed remained the same. The lessons we try to impart with the retelling of our story falls on def ears. Eventually, we come to an understanding that the land and people we once knew so well, the place that made us who we once were, and the people we so easily related to is no longer us, nor a place we can call home. Serving as a distant reminder of who we once were, it has now become happily unfamiliar.
Standing in front of us are mirror images of our past selves. The family, and friends who stayed behind, who didn’t answer the call to adventure, serve as a stark contrast of who we were, how far we’ve come, and a lot of the time, a version of ourselves we no longer wish to be. The journey we set out on, for whatever reason, changed us. The distance it created was necessary for our transformation. The separation provided the time and awareness that the person who we were when we left is not who we are meant to be, and if we stayed, would keep us from who we were meant to become.
173. painful guidance
When you’re in pain, whether it’s physical, emotional, spiritual, or psychological, acknowledge that within that pain lies the answer to the journey you’re on. The antidote you’re looking for exists within the pain. It’s there for a reason. It is meant to bring awareness to your current state, to bring you into the present moment.
We tend to recoil from pain, when we should be leaning into it. Pain is largely temporal, lasting only a few seconds. It has to keep recreating itself to be present any more than that, yet if it’s recreating itself, it’s there to bring attention to something within ourselves, our body or our mind. Its presence is what holds an old injury or unhealed trauma.
The foundation of those painful disruptions is the source, so let it guide you. Ask yourself; what is this pain? Where does it come from? What is the emotional memory emanating from this space? And then you know what to fix, who to forgive, or what relationship to mend. As you make progress and replace those negative feelings with love and gratitude, you will not only heal past traumas and remove the pain, but you will discover a new way of living.
172. you’re in control
The good news is you’re in control, the bad news is… you’re in control. Your thoughts, perceptions, and intentions are a choice that have the power to color the outcome of whatever situation you find yourself in. If you’re fearful and conditioned with a victim mindset, you will be much more likely to find negativity in your life. Whereas, if you’re grateful, open and willing to learn from all the experiences you encounter, you will be much more likely to come across things that provide positive sensations.
It’s a feedback mechanism; what you put out, is what you’re going to get back. Think of it as what you appreciate, appreciates. Seeing your life through a negative lens will never serve to better your situation as it will only attract things to reinforce that view. On the other hand, accepting what comes along with gratitude, will bring more things you can be grateful for.
As you progress through this life, it is important to understand that we are in control. We hold the power to create the life we want. Shifting the perspective away from what is happening to you, and instead, to what is happening for you can make all the difference in the world.
171. break free
People don’t realize how much agency we have for change. We think we’re born into a specific mindset with certain predispositions where we fall accustomed to saying “that’s just the way I am,” not realizing that we are actually making choices at every moment. Unfortunately, too often we make choices that don’t serve us.
For example, I’m sure you’ve heard a friend say something along the lines of “I really hate my job, but I can’t find something else because…” or “I am really tired of the way I look, but I can’t find the time to improve because…” or “I am not happy in this relationship, but I can’t change it because…” And then every time you offer a suggestion, it is met with a variety of excuses to keep them right where they are. They’ll say “I can’t do this because of this, that, or the other thing.”
It’s important to understand that just like our friends, we find reasons to stay in situations that are no longer desirable. Change is hard, but to either stay where you are or to move forward is still a choice. Saying “I can’t do this because…” is the same as saying “I can do this because…” as both are reflective of a choice we make with ourselves to continue to either fit within the narrative we tell ourselves or break free to develop a new one.
The idea that shines through the inability to act on what we want is that change is still desirable, but usually what we want is for someone or something else to change, not us. What most people miss is that it is you who is going to need to change — in mindset, outlook, actions, etc. — to actually discover what you’re after.
You’re never going to get the new job if you find excuses as to why you can’t get out of the one you have. You’re never going to lose the weight if you continue to find excuses for not doing the things necessary for you to get the look, and acquire the confidence you desire. You’re never going to leave the relationship you’re in if you continue to turn off the feelings you’re after.
If nothing else, we are the cumulative effect of the choices we make. It is time to recognize that if those choices aren’t pushing you in the direction you wish to go, then they are keeping you from getting there. Sometimes you have to break the mirror to see what is beyond yourself.
170. dwelling
No one is a stranger to creeping negativity, however some are better than others at figuring ways around what is troubling them. Changing the way we think is key to capturing what we’re after instead of wandering into something we don’t want.
Everything is energy, including your thoughts. Whatever you let your mind dwell on is what is going to expand. For instance dwelling on what makes you angry is only going to bring up anger within you; whereas thoughts of gratitude for the good things in your life, as well as what you desire from it, will widen your consciousness within that area, manifesting the positive things that you seek.
The trick is when those inevitable negative thoughts start creeping in, learn to view them as feedback for what you don’t want in your life because worrying is a form of praying for what you don’t want. Once you understand this insight, you can shift your attention to what you want, and create a more fulfilling path forward.
169. rational decisions
While people like to say they make rational decisions, no one really does. For example, you can look at two people encountering the exact same situation, each claiming they’re making a rational decision, yet their actions are completely different. If rational choice were universally understood, everyone would be making the same decision, leading to the same action. But they’re not. This is because we make up stories about what we do, those stories are our version of reality, and what we use to justify our actions.
We all see things differently, and the majority of the time that is okay. This doesn’t make your process of decision making any better or worse than the next person, as long as your version is working for you. However, if you are doing things that aren’t working, and denying it, that’s just delusion.
168. comfort & safety
We have a tendency to love simplicity. When things work, we are at ease and can find enjoyment in the most mundane of tasks. It’s enjoyable, simply because it is easy. Our mind doesn’t need to stress about confounding variables or unexpected changes. We like to feel as though we have a sense of control over all situations, which is likely why we often choose the options that are familiar to us, even if they aren’t serving us, than to one that may be unfamiliar, yet will better serve us in the long run.
When things are simple, they feel manageable which makes us feel a sense of comfort and safety, but these two things aren’t the same. Comfort is staying in a place where you know how everything will turn out, it’s simple and familiar whether the consequences are good or bad. Safety is stepping away from that place, just enough that you can still see where you came from, but also see the possibilities that may lay ahead if you choose to lose sight of what is comfortable and move forward.
Our entire lives are a balancing act between our comfort zone and safety zone. Learning when to move forward and when to come back, understanding that if we go too far we’ll find the danger zone. The unfortunate thing is, we don’t have time to continuously reevaluate what is safe every time we seek to make a decision, so over time we tend to forget about our safety zone and just pay attention to the comfort zone instead, assuming that what makes us comfortable also makes us safe.
167. messages of fear
The voice of the media has usurped science over the past year. There seems to be a concerted effort to take over the global narrative, constructing it in such a way as to limit its authorship to a select few who seek to control the human experience through messages of fear. However, this is nothing new.
Since the Vietnam era we’ve been subjected to a narrative that has amped up fear and danger in the minds of the public. Subsequently, our culture, built upon fear, provides little room for the masses to give a true examination of the motives behind the message we continue to hear.
Without introspection we become susceptible to the “run for your life” narrative being espoused. Fearful, most of us act on those messages with little thought, going along with the directives seen on television or social media. All the while, this focus on keeping us safe has never made us safer, nor healthier, but has seen a creeping degradation of both our civil liberties and overall health.
If anything, COVID has become a supreme example of how the mechanism of fear can be used against a diverse population, to homogenize their diverse backgrounds, ideas, experiences, and belief systems into a narrow response that doesn’t serve our collective wellbeing. At what point do we overcome the fear based narrative and begin to collectively question the system that continues to fail us.